My husband, Doctor Adrian

Ill

When I saw Mother and Father mourning the same tomb, I prayed in my heart that it was not Adrian. Please, whoever God is.. It's not Adrian. He should be happy. He had an unhappy childhood. I'll do whatever it takes as long as he feels otherwise.

But when I looked at the tombstone, my defense collapsed. Papa's.. Is this.. is it real? Can't God you just take my life and please give me back Papa's life? Why would.. Why does this have to happen? The last time I saw Papa, I let him down. I regret going to Bali. Is Papa's death caused by me?

I went to Papa's tomb, not caring about my surroundings. Then I accidentally went next to my mom. He looks fucked. His eyes met mine. But, I feel like he doesn't care about me. He looked back at Papa's tomb. That's when I realized. I'm not wanted here. Even though my heart is broken, I must be self-conscious. My mother was the one who was most hurt by this. I retreated slowly, passing the people behind me.

I was already behind once. Far from the crowd. My heart ached because my own mother rejected me. I stood there, under the scorching sun, waiting while regretting my iniquity to my Papa. I cried alone in silence.

The crowd slowly dwindled. One by one they left the tomb. There were less than ten people there, around the tomb, including my Mom, Dad, and Mom.

Not long after, Mom and Dad approached Mama. They were trying to strengthen Mama. I'm rattled. Should I go there? Meet three people who might hate me? Mom and Dad must have hated me because I divorced their son, no strings attached.

A few minutes later, I decided to approach them. My mother greeted me through her eyes. "Lula.. You're patient, yes." he said. I nodded without being able to say a word.

"Ma.." I squeezed Mama's shoulder.

He's not flinching. He no longer cries. But really, I can't see it. Half his soul is gone. Would I be like him if Adrian was gone for good?

"Keep up your Mama, yeah." said Mother again.

"Thank you, Ma.. Sorry.." I held back the crying. We both know what sorry is. But he shook his head. "Mother and Father are also sorry if there is something wrong with you.." His face looked shady, reminding me of Adrian. It made me think. Where is Adrian? How much did he hate me so much that he didn't come to Papa's funeral? But I didn't ask. I don't want to bring up everyone's pain. I don't want to hurt anyone else and I'd better keep my mouth shut.

"Lula, we'd better take your mom home. It's been days that he's been sleep deprived in the hospital accompanying your Papa." Father's voice broke the silence.

"Ma, we're going home, yuk?" slowly say.

"Yes, Lun. Luke was calm there. Tomorrow, we're here again, yes." Mom said to Mama.

Mom and I helped Mama walk into the car. They were not aware that a well-looking man was watching them from afar.

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After I drove Mama to the room, I went down to the living room. Mom decided to come home with us, while Dad still had a job at the office.

"Mom, thank you for coming" I said.

He looked at me from head to toe. Maybe he was wondering why I wasn't wearing black. Without shame I came to Papa's funeral.

"I just found out Papa's news from Auntie." I said. Mother's aura that emanated full of confidence made me squeak. Is he upset with me? Is everyone upset with me for hurting that Perfect Master Adrian? Trust me, you don't have to be upset with me. I punished myself for what I did.

"How are you?" ask Mother.

"Thank you, Bi.." I said. I sat facing Mom. My mind's raging. Thousands of questions about Papa came to my mind.

"Over this.. Where're you?"

"Mom, sorry.." I shed tears. I'm sorry that I've divorced your only son. I'm sorry I haven't been a good daughter-in-law.

"Already, Lula.." her voice calmed me down.

"I'm sorry that I always let Mom and Dad down." I said.

My mother stood up and sat down next to me. He held my hand. It seems he knows what I need. For weeks I lived like a dead man, not socializing at all. Now, when someone I love and respect so much is kind to me, it can't be expressed in words.

"Mom.. If I may know.. What happened to Papa?" I decided to ask Mom, given Mama's condition that it was still difficult to talk to me.

"Mom doesn't understand either. It's been two weeks Papa you've been in the hospital. Decreased health. Since then, your mother has accompanied you. I didn't expect it this fast." she said slowly.

Is Papa... sick because of me?

I can't hear it. It's all very painful. How am I supposed to survive? How should Mama survive?

Mom left shortly afterwards. I drove him to the door. I can no longer hide my pain. I'm in my room. I threw my body into the bed and covered my face with a pillow and cried.

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I'mawakened. It's pitch-dark. But I don't give a shit. I pressed my original phone to look at the clock. Almost six o'clock in the afternoon. I got up from the bed. Slowly, I went out of the room. I knocked on Mama's room. He must have eaten all day. There's no answer. I opened the door. My mother sat like a statue. It seems like he has finished crying. A tray of food seemed untouched on the nightstand.

"Ma.." I touched Mama's shoulder, trying to resuscitate her.

He's not flinching.

"Ma, eat well.. I'm bribe?" my voice's choked. I've never seen my usually chatty Mama become like this. I'm very selfish. I even went to Bali, leaving my family in times of distress like this.

He brushed my hand slowly. My heart's sliced. I hurriedly flipped over and walked out of Mama's room. I feel like I no longer have a reason to live. Look how fucked up my life is. I had Adrian. Now, I lost my Papa. Should I lose my mother too?

I kept getting lost in my thoughts. I didn't realize I was out of the house and on the highway. I keep walking in the rain. I didn't hear anyone call me that day. I just want to go. I want to cry and scream without anyone hearing it. I love the rain to disguise my tears. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I should feel more pain.. I consciously turned my body to the crossroads of the highway. I knew the lights were green. Just as I was about to step up, someone pulled my arm. Someone who unbeknownst to me has been watching me since I was at the funeral.

TIIIIINNNNN.....