Look At Me Once

Meet Uzzaz Hamdan

Alwi dragged Lathifa's hand into her house. His face flushed with a hardened jaw, even looking multiplied was frightening to Lathifa.

Alwi even ignored the whereabouts of his first wife who was taken aback by his arrival.

Only this time did Anisa see her husband's face so wrathful, it was more frightening when Anisa asked her to marry again.

Alwi opened the door of Lathifa's room violently, then pushed Lathifa's small body into it.

Brak!

Alwi violently closed the door of the room. As Lathifa's body stiffened, she had never been treated like this by her family.

Slowly slumped onto the floor, she sobbed to see her husband walking towards her wardrobe and took out all the contents inside. Lathifa ignored the pain on her flushed wrist.

“Down all this! It's not appropriate for you to wear this kind of outfit!”

Alwi like fidelity ransacked Lathifa's wardrobe. There was something that made the tightness in his chest, felt hot and made it very difficult just to hold his emotions.

“Why is it so hard to comply with my request to leave all these pants behind? Do you still want to run on a motorcycle?” angry Alwi while taking the suitcase that was on top of the closet and then put all the clothes Lathifa depth.

While Lathifa only sobbed, he realized his mistake because Alwi had previously banned him from riding a sport bike.

“I just want to guide you to become a better Muslim. Is it my fault?” alwi asked without looking at his wife.

Lathifa did not respond to her husband's question, suddenly her body felt limp, her mind was empty, her breathing was heavy. He leaned his body at the foot of the bed.

“Am I wrong, Lathifa?” alwi asked, this time in a slightly low tone.

“As a wife, it is obligatory for you to obey my orders as your husband. Take Anisa for example, she never refutes my words.”

“I Lathifa! Not Anisa!” shouts Lathifa, making Alwi turn towards her.

“Lathifa! Don't raise your voice in front of your husband!”

“Suy? Who's husband? What all this time, you thought of me as your wife?” asked Lathifa in the middle of her sobs.

“Lathifa!”

Alwi was silent, he was out of words to serve his wife, all would not be resolved if anger enveloped both.

The sreet!

Alwi closed the suitcase in front of him and pulled the rough zipper, then pulled it out.

“Pacify yourself,” Alwi said before leaving Lathifa still sitting on the floor.

Lathifa bent her knees and hugged her, immersing her face inside that embrace. His body trembled violently, trying to hold back his sobs from being heard by others.

‘Yes God, I know! It's wrong if I love someone else's. But I don't think it was me who asked for it! Even if I could choose, I would like not to meet him. Simply love in silence without having to have ...’ Lathifa was only able to summon it in her heart.

In the living room, Alwi handed a suitcase containing Lathifa clothes to Anisa who was sitting on the sofa.

“What is this, Mas?” anisa asked with a confused face.

“You choose which ones are still worth wearing and give them to those in need. The rest just throw it away!” alwi said, putting Lathifa's suitcase in front of Anisa, and passing away.

“Where are you going, Mas?”

“Mas wants to go to pesantren. You eat and sleep first, don't wait for the mas to come home.”

“Oh yes, do not go into Lathifa's room, let her calm herself down,” Alwi said before getting into her car.

Until the night, neither Anisa nor Lathifa touched the food at the dinner table.

Anisa sat in the living room, waiting for her husband's return while reading her little mushaf. Lathifa has not been seen coming out of her room since her return.

Elsewhere, inside the pesantren mosque, Alwi is seen sitting with his body leaned against the wall while closing his eyes.

“You're not home yet, Mas?” asked Zahran who had just come and sat his body beside Alwi.

“Later first, Gus.” Alwi said without opening his eyes.

“Hour 23:00, Mas. Mbak Nisa must be waiting for your return.”

“I want to wait for abi Hamdan to come home, Gus.”

“It is better to wait in Ndalem only, Mas. Probably in half an hour, Abi's home. Come, I take you to Ndalem,” take Zahran.

Alwi walked hand in hand with Zahran, the prince in the pesantren. Santri and santriwati there called him Gus Za.

They walked slowly while discussing some things, also returning greetings from some patrolling students they met.

“According to you, how polygamy, Gus?” ask Alwi.

“There is nothing wrong with polygamy. In sharia also allows it, provided that he feels safe from bias and he is able to do justice.” Zahran replied calmly.

“Private fashion, do you have any intention to polygamy?” alwi's question made Zahran stop his steps.

“I do not forbid polygamy, in the Qur'an Surah An-Nisa verse 3 described ‘If you are afraid that you cannot be fair, in the Qur'an Surah An-Nisa verse 3 explained , so marry just’ and I personally feel not ready and probably will not be able to be fair to his wives if they have to be faced with polygamy.” Zahran stared fixedly at Alwi who was standing in front of him.

“What Mas Al has the intention to polygamy mbak Nisa?”

Alwi was silent, he could not answer the question from his wife's cousin.

They continued their journey to Ndalem in silence. Despite the many questions he wanted to ask, Zahran could only bury him deeply. He has no right to disturb the household tempest of others.

After waiting for approximately half an hour, Alwi sat in front of the Hamdan ustaz, just the two of them. Zahran returned to the dormitory after the arrival of his ashes.

For ten minutes, Alwi just sat quietly in silence without doing anything.

“What's the problem Al?” ask ustaz Hamdan to break the silence.

Alwi looked at the face of Ustaz Hamdan, he hesitated to start the conversation. Though the initial intention of Alwi came to the pesantren wanted to pour out the turmoil in his heart. However, his tongue felt frozen when dealing directly with the pakde of his wife.

“Tell me if something bothers you.”

Alwi also told about the life of his polygamy marriage, about him who could not accept the presence of his young wife. Yet it remains to keep things that should only be known to him, his wife and the Creator.

“What's the reason you married that girl? Do you hate polygamy?”

“I don't hate Abi polygamy. Until this moment I do not want to be polygamous, but I have to carry out my trust and promise to both Anisa's parents to always make her happy. Including obeying his wish for me to marry the girl.” Alwi lowered his head, he felt unable if he had to stare at the shady face of the middle-aged man in front of him.

“Have you been fair to them all this time?”

Alwi fell silent, a shadow of his life for more than 6 months ago, when he made a holy pledge to his young wife. ‘Once the helpless servant exercises trust from you O Allah.’