1 Story, 4 Love, 2 Worlds

FINA [Four]

Back to Longing

The days passed as usual according to the will of God as well as myself who always tried to be sincerely cheerful without you. The days that I went through were also as usual, hanging out with friends, taking time to relax to prepare for the thesis exam. But again sometimes I miss you until finally friends say if I might need a psychiatrist or at least find someone who can change my taste and mind.

I'm not sure if I'm depressed, I don't feel sad but I don't feel happy either. I can laugh, joke and even smile all day long, but sometimes if I am silent at night I forget the definition of the taste I feel.

I hate this feeling, the feeling when I'm sad but I don't know why. I feel like there is a void inside of me but I can't explain that emptiness. When they asked me what happened to me, I couldn't explain it.

I felt like I missed someone I could never meet, like I needed someone who could never need me.

Sometimes sadness is just a friend in my mind. I started hating myself and sometimes I wanted everyone to leave me alone, but at the same time I also wanted someone to hug me and say "Smile, everything will be fine."

Everyone knows that I let you go..... I don't blame anyone or hate anyone, I just hate this feeling, a feeling that I have a hard time explaining the definition of longing that I feel for you....

Do you know if I keep trying to rise from sadness, everyone knows if I let you go and several times I tried to open my heart to some people but still your smile always shadowed me. I want to tell you a lot of things, though, if only you were here at this time you would have listened to my story while looking at me with a smile and occasionally agree with what I said even though you also occasionally bowed while smiling staring at the android screen that is on your grasp. Forgive me who is sometimes selfish and always annoyed with you when we talk but you focus more on the android you hold. I'm so sorry for my words that I snapped at you hoping that your eyes would be blind because most of them were staring at the android screen. I deeply regret my words.Now you are completely blind to close your eyes can no longer see me forever.....

Many things about us are slowly being forgotten by my memories, but there are many things still stored in my feelings. I remember from the first time you went back to college when we were in a long distance relationship, you called me with a tone of sadness because you missed your daily activities. Until finally a few years passed you still call me, but at that time it was a little different we often had different opinions and I admit that I was selfish about my own feelings. I'm so sorry for my attitude that has always limited your association, I'm jealous and don't want you to share the fun with anyone including your friends, I don't want junior sisters or freshmen to look at you when you spend too much time with them. But.... I regret that you are. When you are gone they are now my friends, they are the ones who spend a lot of time entertaining me while telling me a lot about you.. they even know me better than I know them, because they often listen to you tell stories about me or about us....

Forgive me for missing you even though I let you go, forgive me for expecting you even though I realize that God must laugh shaking my head every time I beg for a destiny he never wrote.

Keep smiling there looking at me happily. My greetings to you, my smile to you and my prayers are always for you.

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