1 Story, 4 Love, 2 Worlds

I SHARE MY LOVE WITH HIM [Fina]

Sometimes I miss people I no longer have to miss, sometimes I think what if one day something could make me change and even make me forget this longing for you. Should I turn away? Or do I have to stick to this kind of feeling? I honestly say that right now my heart feels a feeling called love.

Ever since some of the tragedies I've been through lately, my heart says there's something hard for me to talk about. I felt that slowly my longing and sadness began to be replaced by the joy given by the Word and Nana. Even I sometimes assume that I'm part of their family and that they don't think I'm anyone else anymore. Sometimes I feel a tremor in my heart when both are with the Word and I sometimes feel very loving Nana even I miss her when I do not meet her.

After that day, after Nana's birthday, I started to feel the language of love again. That day I fell asleep in Nana's room, when I woke up and opened my eyes, I saw a little boy looking at me smiling right in front of my face. We faced each other, for a moment I began to realize that the child was Nana. I don't know why I felt like I had a child. We also hugged each other. It feels different when hugging a child. In my heart I said, if only I could be the mother of this child. But at the same time I thought that to be her mother meant that I had to be the wife of the Word. On the one hand I actually started to like it but on the one hand I felt very afraid to make Raihan disappointed. Is there a way for me to love again without hurting the feelings of others? I also feel that if Hanifa is also definitely disappointed as well as the Word, we have the same feeling.

We are trapped in memories of feelings. I know, and he knows, there is a feeling that is visible but unquenchable. There are memories stored but the heart wants to be free. Should I share my love with him?

After we woke up and told stories, the Word came and joined us. In one room we were joking around on a not-so-big bed. Like a complete family I feel warmth and joy. I haven't felt anything like this since I lost Raihan. Sometimes I look at the Word who is also so happy, not infrequently our views look at each other and return smiles. Again my heart felt this feeling, a feeling that made me always want to smile.

If I could meet Raihan I wanted to say I still love him and I also wanted to know and hear what he felt. Would you be sincere if I shared my love with her? Will you still love me like you used to? I'd love to meet and sting your mouth.

That same day, that night they drove me home. Me, Firman and Nana are heading home. In the middle of the journey Nana fell asleep, immediately the discussion stopped. We were silent as if there were no more discussions. Until finally the Word asked me to tell a story. He told me about the time he took care of his own home and his son. I was so focused on listening as I imagined myself in the story. At that moment Word turned to look at me who was so fixated on staring at him. I misbehaved him. Firman just smiled as if he understood what was happening to me right now.

Shortly after, we arrived at my house. Nana wakes up to want to pee. So I quickly drove him into the house to the toilet next to my room. My mom and dad saw us running towards the wc. My father headed out of the house to call the Word into the house. They were in the living room and told me about work.

When everything was ready, in the living room we gathered. Nana's still in my mother's arms, they're sitting together, I'm holding Nana. There we were so familiar, coupled with Nana who was chatty made us more cheerful.

Amidst the sudden laughter the father asked the Word about his plans to remarry. At that time I was embarrassed, why did Dad ask like that with someone he just knew? But Firman answered calmly and joked a little. The atmosphere in the living room was instantly silent. Firman replied that at first he thought he would never want to marry again but said he would marry if Nana had needed a Mother who could understand and love his father, and we laughed again.

When our laughter was over Nana who was in my lap My mother said to her father if she wanted Mom who was always there when she was at home and how surprised I was when Nana smilingly pointed at me while saying "I want Big Brother Fina to be like Mom." I feel so embarrassed but so happy but why would Nana want me to be like her mother? Did he ever meet his mother? Or is it just the speech of a child who does not know the arrangement of words.

That night my father issued many words of wisdom and advice, if Mother mostly stories about my childhood which he said was similar to Nana who was chatty and asked a lot. Firman looks so happy with Nana, too. But the night was so short, it made Nana sleepy and had to go home. My father joked to Firman saying why I didn't go with Nana, plus Mom who invited Nana to stay with me at home. Honestly, I'm embarrassed, but I take it as just their joke.

They went home and we went back inside. Still reflected in my memory Nana's words that made me smile until Mother rebuked him said it was not good to smile alone in the house. A short night, but it made me feel embarrassed.

My mom and dad sitting in a chair gave me some advice. The essence of their advice is marriage. I can only smile while imagining everything.

Does being married make me happy? Do I have to share my love? It is very unlikely that the memories with Raihan can be lost just like that. I say this prayer to You, meet me with Raihan even if only in a dream and meet me with the Word if he is my soul mate.