1 Story, 4 Love, 2 Worlds

WORD [Three]

I'll Save This Story

When I woke up this afternoon I knew why I was happy. My feelings say that I have met and spoken to you. When I woke up I remembered I had promised Nana to take her to your mother's house. I walked to Nana's room and I saw Nana was tidy with her hair tied up like I couldn't believe a kid of that age was good at styling hair.

Shortly after I tidied up we headed to Grandma's house.

After we arrived, I somehow wanted to go into the room. This room is Hanifa's room and now also still used sometimes Nana and I sleep here if we stay. In this room, Hanif and I lived together. As I walked towards the closet in the corner by the window suddenly something fell down, I found and read one of your heart's words. I know if you're so happy to write in a diary even I never know what the book is about. You said it was your secret that no one should know even if it was your husband.

Many words from your writing that made me touched and a little make me smile when remembering some of the stories that you wrote in a thick book covered in white with a decoration of some pink and purple.

Slowly I read and it was clear that your voice was heard in my ear as if the one reading this was you.

One of the contents of the Hanifa diary,

It's hard to explain to you what it's like to have my heart staring at you smiling, like there's something inside you that makes this heartbeat feel fast. Why do I feel it when you already have one? Why can't I see when it's been right in front of me all this time? But why can I see it now? Something.

I keep waiting even though I know you will not come to me, I keep waiting even though I know you will not return, even though I survive I am not worth defending, even though I waited I was not worth expecting. Right now I'm thinking I just want to enjoy this affection for you before it goes away and I'll never feel like anyone again.

I can forgive how great your mistake is, to be honest it is not my folly to have forgiven but because my sincerity loves you. I may forget what you did to me but I will never forget how you made me mean. If you knew, I was so tormented here missing all the things about you, would you feel the same way about me now?

I must have lost my mind back then, how could I leave you? I just love you, I'm really sorry. You know I always give you hurt but I'm sure that's not what makes you angry. Maybe because I always say something that disappoints you? Or maybe because I'm too possessive of you? Even though you can't feel what I feel, I now know what you're feeling. I'm sorry I can't do some things without you. Right now I'm starting to realize that things aren't going to give the same meaning to every condition. I will be happy if I can always be with you.

*****

Once you know, at that time it turns out that you just wrongly judge me you suddenly turn as if you are not you and you are not the real you. I was surprised but after reading your diary I began to find little by little answers about you.

During my first courtship you did make me a little saturated with your tough attitude and it was hard for me to advise you with your nature that did not care about my words. You were also jealous of a friend of mine who eventually became your friend. After reading some of your writing I began to understand that at that moment you were worried about me, you were also feeling jealous and very afraid of losing me.

Some years of courtship we finally married well.I managed to conquer the hardness of your heart and attitude. You're like the most beautiful woman I've ever dreamed of since I knew love.

A few years together, you not only become a wife but you also become a mother of this beautiful child. A few more days are our daughter's birthday and that's exactly seven years since you left. I feel so sad when I remember seeing you fighting for our son and you finally leave us with tears of sadness. You don't get to see clearly what our child's behavior is like, you can't even see it and teach it to walk, to say names, to say names,  and singing songs to her when she cried even when I was in trouble I used to be helped by your mother.

Until now I still believe that you are always around me with your smile looking at me as you do silently looking at me with a smile while I am asleep and also the tone of your voice is still it was very clear I could feel, including the sound of your whispers still so real heard in my ears. Not only your soft tone of voice but also your high tone of voice I can still feel.

There's a lot of things you want to do with me, but we can't do it, forgive me for not being able to keep that promise to you and I understand if we can never plan for the future based on the past.

Hanifa... When I feel love, do you have to repay it with love? Do I still have to be with my love? Well you don't have to answer it, for you I'll keep our story until we meet there.