1 Story, 4 Love, 2 Worlds

FINA [Two]

Missed you

I spent my days without you trying to smile cheerfully in front of everyone. Some of our friends are also always entertaining and are present when I need them again. Sometimes I don't understand my feelings that are more powerful than my will and my mind. I often miss and feel your presence here. I can clearly feel you when I'm sad and sometimes I feel that you're sad when you see me like this.

You know, when I remember you, it's like I wanted to repeat everything we've been through together, all about your smile when every time you look at me, about your stories when you experience funny things or your curses that you think make you upset, about your complaints when you do not like the people around you, about how you can always make me laugh with your slightly weird and slightly crazy behavior. All of that makes me want to hug you, pull your hair and also want to feel like pulling your nose pointed and pinching your cheeks as hard as possible.

But now that you are far away from me, this is the third time we have separated at such a great distance. I remember the first time we felt a long distance relationship, it felt like a day was like a week, no news from you in a day made me fret and worry about you, she said, remind and trust each other that makes us survive in the moment. When we had a second long distance relationship at that time you went very far from me on the grounds of focusing on college for the completion of the final task. A sense of saturation and suspicion began to seep into my mind, I always thought that you would be owned by someone else and I also started to feel that the distance of our hearts and minds had started to be uncharacteristic again.

Almost every day I get angry with you with the same problem, the problem is just because you no longer question much about my days even you are no longer as often as you used to call or send messages about your news there. Until finally I accused you of having a lover there but you only thought I was joking and you thought I was angry just to be angry without caring about my feelings. You are too busy with campus activities, with organizations, with institutions, with, with new students every year and only care about cheerfulness with your friends until you forget if someone misses you and really wants your attention.

At that time I decided to end our relationship because I assumed if I continued like this then we would not be able to feel our togetherness as before. When I wanted to end our relationship you didn't want it and I decided to stay and wait for you to come back.

When the time comes when you are about to finish your studies, you also set a plan to meet. After a long time of not meeting the feeling of longing mixed haru began to feel in my chest. Soon enough, the day finally arrived where we could meet. I looked at you as I held your hand, I saw the sadness on your face back then, you looked skinny yet your face was so clean and your smile and gaze had not changed at all. At that time I felt very happy to meet you.

At first I never knew why you could lie on an iron bed with that white sheet. When I ask you, you only answer because you are tired, so you can be in that place, as well as when I ask everyone who comes to see you. Sometimes I also feel surprised to see you lying down for days and getting limp. I don't know why that day I shed tears and I ventured to ask you about what really happened.

I remember your smile with pale lips when you held my hand and told me about a disease I had never known. At that time I did not know about the disease called Lheukaemia, I just assumed that if it was just a term in medicine that might mean a patient who was exhausted but it turned out that after I found out about the disease I was helpless to endure the sadness when I found out if Lheukaemia is a deadly disease. After that moment a few days later I could only see you lying unconscious. I always smile and encourage you even though these tears are unbearable.

One day I saw right in front of my eyes everyone around me crying tears and I knew and I saw that the person I loved was gone forever. When I found out that my loved ones were gone for good, I kept smiling in the hope that none of this was real until I fell unconscious. A moment later I opened my eyes and some people hugged me with tears. I cannot endure deep sadness. I don't blame God, I don't blame anyone if it's a destiny I have to live I have to accept it despite the endless pain.

Now I have to have a third long-distance relationship with you, but this time you really won't tell me back there, now I can't hear your voice over the phone, I will no longer see your smile and your jokes and your taunts of me. I miss you. Are you okay there? Do you have any new friends there? Did you miss me there? And do you feel what I feel every time I talk about you? I deeply regret my selfishness towards you long ago, you can patiently face this hard nature of my heart.

I miss you. I miss everything about your smile when every time you look at me, about your stories when you experience funny things or your curses that you think make you upset, you know, about your complaints when you don't like the people around you, about how you can always make me laugh with your slightly weird and slightly crazy behavior. I want to once again be able to hug you Raihaann....

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