This Is Not What I Want

I want to hate, but I can only cry

That night it all felt different for me, but my mom and sister were acting normal. I dared myself to ask him directly, so that this heart and this mind would not be restless because of his behavior.

"Sister, I'm sorry can we talk alone?" I was actually hesitating, but I didn't want to because I was nervous I was being reckless.

"What's Ri, tumben, oh yeah lately Brother see you fidget constantly, you got a lot of thoughts?" Brother Tiwi is already sitting beside me.

"Sister, sorry if what Riri said, would offend you, I don't mean to judge or blame you, is your right to do anything in your life, but it turns out that what you're doing affects other people, then I have to ask you." I started my conversation with Kak Tiwi.

"What the hell is Ri, how do you weirdly talk?" Kak Tiwi's face looked annoyed.

"Honestly, sister, maybe I look innocent to you, actually I just don't want to interfere in other people's affairs, even if it's my own family. If you think I don't understand anything, you're wrong I understand one and many other things." I was also upset and could not take it anymore.

"Tell me, brother, what is your purpose in doing all that evil!" I asked her loudly. After all mama and the others are asleep, they will not hear our commotion.

"Do what bad Ri, what mistake have I made until you've been disrespectful to me?" Brother Tiwi is about to leave me.

"Why don't you just admit it yourself, should I say it all." Very upset I am, indeed the annoying character that he has, my mind.

Tiwi sister did not go. Sit back and it looks like now he's going to start talking. I was ready to listen to all of them.

"The Ri you need to know, I did it all because I felt that in this family no one cared about me, all just loved you, and Son, Mama was always proud of you too, Mama was always proud of you, but never saw me, did I make a lot of mistakes but now you can see, Mama didn't punish me right?" Now it was precisely Kak Tiwi who threw all her mistakes at me, making me the one who caused the mistakes she made.

All this time, I felt the injustice of both of our parents.

"Oh so, you mean, you're on drugs, doing *** free, running away from home, changing girlfriends it's all because of me! Then you left your son as a baby and I had to take care of him as if I were his mother, forcing me at my age to become a mother and bear all the mistakes you made, so!"

"Maybe you're upset that Mama always praises my name in front of you, it's because Mama wants you to come back the way you used to be, you're smart, you're beautiful, you're beautiful, you also taught me all those school lessons, you made me this stupid so that I could stand up like now, I always respected you as a big brother. I was looking for you when you were drunk outside the house, I was also the one protecting you when Papa and Mama wanted to punish you when you were caught taking drugs. I also suggested that you accept an arranged marriage from our parents so that you marry Kak Ajat. Since Mama Papa wants to focus on taking care of you, I have to stay alone with grandma for a long time. Then when I came back, you were envious of me!" I've spilled all my frustration. I took out everything I've held out all this time.

"I'm sorry if my presence makes your life difficult, like it or not you and me we're siblings, everything you've got I never thought to envy you, my sister, you deserve the best, I just want to be around Mama, I want to live with my mom too. If you don't like it, wait a while longer, I'll go to college you can be free here to be his only daughter, but stop worrying."

"Stop using drugs, get drunk let alone dating other men, you're a mother, remember you have a boy who needs you. I'm not the one who should punish you. I don't hate you, but I say for the first and last time I hate all the wrong things that you've done, but I'm very grateful, because of you I can keep myself from making the same mistake, and ruin my life."

After saying everything I went to leave her alone, whether she would forgive me or not, whether she would hate me or not. I said it all in the hope that he would turn into a better person. I said it so that he knew I really cared, but if his heart had frozen and become as hard as a rock, if his clever intellect had been misleading him, it would have been, then there was nothing more I could do for him.

The morning had come, I was preparing to go to school, I said goodbye to Mama and Kak Tiwi, I was acting normal, but this time I did not wake up early. I did it on purpose so that Brother can help Mama, if he wants only her to be the only one that my mother cares about then let it be her happiness. I don't give a shit. I have to finish my school, go to college, graduate and marry Arman, then get out of this house.

That's my only goal now, I step my foot out, meet Arman, and go to school. Since that day I changed, I kept doing my duty, as a child as a sister, as a sister and mother to Kiki. But I became a different person at school, because I and my friends, it was different class I was more alone and alone, I tried to stay cheerful, I went to school, I went to school, study and go home as soon as you're done.

"Ah.." I sighed deeply. After picking me up from school, Arman took me to a diner.

"You're fine Ri, you've changed since that day, and it's been a month that you've been indifferent to me. You just let me drop you off and pick you up for school, nothing more. Has your feeling changed Ri?" Ask Arman on the sidelines as we wait for our order to arrive.

"Nothing's changed, Brother Arman, all that's happened is what has to happen, and whatever will happen, I'll take it, just like that, now I'm just enjoying what I can enjoy, before it's all gone without me noticing." I spoke while stirring a glass of iced orange in front of me.

Arman stopped my hand, "You'll crush the ice cubes if you keep stirring it like that Ri."

"But don't you realize, brother, if the ice is destroyed, the ice will be the perfect one with the drink right? It's even hard to separate anymore, isn't that great?" I went back to drinking.

"What do you mean Ri?" Arman still doesn't understand what I mean by saying all that.

"If I could choose, I would not have been born into this world, or been born as a dolphin so I could be free to go anywhere, not school and not be bound by anything." I devoured the meatballs that were in front of me.

Arman didn't reply to my words, he just enjoyed the bowl of meatballs his order had also come.

On the way home, Arman rode his bike very slowly.

"Emmm Brother, if you run your bike this slow, wouldn't I be better off on foot?" I tilted my head, leaning it to the left side of Arman's head.

"So you said you didn't want to be born, didn't you think about how I felt when you said Ri, I was sad so sad so sad, so I'll enjoy every moment with you very slowly from now on, so you can't just disappear." Obviously, it looks like Arman is crying, but Arman's time is crying. Ah I don't know, I leaned my head on her back, and could only whisper,

"I'm sorry Arman."

Arman tried to grab my left hand, then grabbed it and we went home.

Life is hard so do not add weight, if everything feels heavy, maybe you are forgetting, if God exists, and God's problems are heavier than ours.

Spirit all, don't forget like comment and vote yes Thank you 😍💖💖💖💖💖