This Is Not What I Want

My fear...

Indeed, no child bears the sins of his parents, nor does a parent bear the sins of his child, according to me there is that the fault of the child is always a burden on the parents, and the mistakes of parents are often charged to their children. What it looks like and how you react to it will come back to you alone. What we plant, we harvest, has nothing to do with the faults or sins of others. Do not be vengeful because God is All-Pardoning, do not hurt because karma is real even if it is slow and unexpected, if we have begun to forget sin.

^🙏🤭👍💖🤔 ayooo we continue...

May all be healthy and free of corona, and get a lot of money windfall halal aamiin.

The next day, Arman and I were alone with Grandma. We decided to come back early, so there was still time to rest after we got home.

Not to forget, Grandma brought us oranges from yesterday, as well as some other vegetables from her garden, and especially I brought home the blessing and prayers from Grandma.

I hugged her for a long time, every time I visited Grandma, my prayer in my heart was only one, if true, if people say, if good people are always sooner called back by God. Then say my prayers O Lord, do not you call my grandmother first, until later she can I happy.🤲🤲🤲aamiin.

"Riri, saying goodbye to home, Grandma, take care of yourself. There's a time when Riri will come to visit Grandma again." I kissed Grandma's forehead and right hand. Arman followed. Ever since I went to junior high school in town B, Grandma's been living alone in her house. I want to graduate High School soon, continue college and graduate from that university immediately, then work in C, so I can accompany Grandma again.

"It's time to go Ri," Grandma surprised me. We got on the bike and headed to town B. "Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh dah Granny!" We said our greetings together and waved our hands. Grandma's smile expanded, strengthening me.

The weather was pretty good today, so Arman and I could drive safely and comfortably.

" Why are you lowering your speed?" ask me when the motor speed slows down.

" It's been close with city B, but you're afraid you're tired and want to rest." It's clear to Arman why he's slowing down his bike.

"No need to rest, but the motorbike road is just this, so can while chatting with you, huh?" I hugged his waist quite tightly.

"OK ready, Madam Boss," I could feel Arman smiling, as he said that, though he did not look at me.

"Why are you afraid of our relationship?" Arman continued, when I just kept quiet and leaned my head against his back. He wears a helmet, is he heavy?🤭

"Can I open the helmet, right?" To be honest with this disease in my head, it's kind of exhausting to have to wear a helmet for hours.

"Before we get off the road Kota first yes," Arman looking for a safe route to drive but may not use a helmet as his equipment.

After turning at the main crossroad, heading towards town square B and entering the suburban lane, I can already take off my helmet now.

"Here the helmet let put in front, so Riri did not bother."

I nodded and gave my helmet to Arman.

"Sister Arman I'm not afraid of our relationship, but I think the people in the Big Brother family would hate me if they knew there was a chance of Tiwi's attitude to bring me down. I don't know why my feeling is so strong. There's gonna be something bad going on in our relationship."

Arman pulled over, and stopped, "Riri, who has this relationship we, who want to get married also us, why are you still not calm as well."

"Maybe you were chasing me, but now that I know, I have stronger feelings for you, I'm used to your presence, tell me what happens if all this is lost, what will happen to me if you leave my life?" I express my heart, everything...

"I've never had a special relationship with any man you were first, you kissed and hugged me

firfst time. I have great hopes for you to be loved and accepted wholeheartedly. Yes you can accept me for who I am, but your family, they will search for my mistakes to keep you away from me.' I don't know where all those words came from. After saying that, not only was it relieved but I also felt a piercing pain in my heart.

Arman hugged me, I tried to escape from his embrace. "This arman is on the street." He also released me. "I'm sorry, but promise me not to say this again, I really love and love you as sincerely. I'll take care of you Ri, even from my family." Arman held my hand tightly. Calming me, I just silently stared in front of him.

"Are you ready to go home?" Asked Arman while looking at my face with gentleness, he was obviously still worried about my situation.

I nodded, "Arman, after I graduate, let's get married, but we're postponing having a baby, I want to continue my education for college, I want to live with you alone, can we?"

"Hmmm, I also want so Ri, but you also know the state of my family. Actually the house occupied by my family is mine Ri, so it is impossible after marriage we live alone, whether you are disappointed Ri, I do not want to give false hope to you. But I will definitely protect you Ri, I know you are afraid, your family problems will interfere with our relationship, calm down Ri." Arman pulled my hand so I could sit back on the bike, so we could continue on our way home.

If my hunch is right and all my worries are right. What would happen, part of my heart felt like it was starting to freeze, like there was an ice wall protecting this fragile heart. All the wounds were so painful, all the treatment I received in the past, had left many bloodless wounds in my heart, I had long since tried to study hard so that papa would acknowledge me. But in the end I did not care about my learning, the important thing is that I managed to satisfy myself and was proud of my own achievements. Like it or not, this is me.

It seems I can't expect anything from Arman either. What is in front of me I can only live now. Maybe Arman's just my solace drug. Arman didn't realize I had changed since then, it wasn't the same. In my eyes friends, family, brothers and even lovers no one really understands and understands me.

"Ri, we've arrived, you daydreaming?" Arman. "Are you crying all the way through Ri? Did I disappoint you? Let's go down Ri, you want to talk at home again?"

I got off the bike, took my things. My mind is empty, aren't there many out there who have problems like mine, or perhaps heavier than this. I shouldn't have exaggerated it. Arman doesn't deserve to hurt me either. It's not his fault.

Arman followed me from behind, we both entered the house and pretended nothing had happened. Mama welcomed us, either because I was happy to come home, or because of gifts from grandma.

I asked Arman to sit in the living room before going home.

"Sister.if I become too much of a burden, just let go of me. I'm not gonna drag you down with me. I also love and love you, if there's someone else you like in time, and you want to break with me, don't hesitate, anything for your happiness, I'm willing."

"Ri don't say that, you are not good, your mind and heart are not good. Don't be Ri, I'm there for you. You're not alone, okay?" Arman strengthened me. Hugging me without caring about my mom or anyone else looking at her.

"I'll be fine, I've lived for 18 years like this. I'm used to Arman. I will stay as you want, tomorrow I will pick up and take me to school, yes, just a few more months I go to school, exams and wait for the results. Then go to college, and on that trip, if you're still by my side, it's a sign that God still loves me." I buried my head in Arman's chest.

"Can I go home now?" Ask Arman. I nodded, "Can you come here every day? Would you be bored if you did that?" My love when he gets to the door.

"Why should I be bored? Yes I will accompany you every day from now on, I will work in your time of school, and will be with you when you are at home, like that?"

I nodded again, Arman kissed my forehead and rubbed my head before leaving. "Thank you, Arman..."

"I love you Riri Rahadian Zain"

Arman went back to his house, I went back into the house, ready to face everything.

He said that life experiences can mature us, yes it is true, and thankfully now many people share their life experiences with many people, so that we can take their knowledge without having to feel the bitterness of life.

Thank you, hope you like don't forget like comment and vote yes 💖💖💖💖💖🙏👍