This Is Not What I Want

hate or forgive part 2 I choose to accept...

I approached Arman, rubbed his hair, then he caught my hand.

"Eh...Not that you're sleeping." Because I was too shocked to fall next to him. Arman sat still, looking at me for a long time...

"Honestly Ri I feel confused, and completely wrong with what we've done, I'm afraid people will think a no-no if we don't formalize our relationship."

"But me and you, we...Brother Arman, are you sure your feelings won't change if you find out about my ugliness? My flaws, even at your family's show yesterday, how many pairs of eyes saw me, as if I didn't deserve you, weren't worth it, and why do I feel like I stole something valuable from your family."

Arman was shocked to hear what I said.

"Ri, indeed our relationship was established only a few days, but what I feel here (patting his chest) is very deep Ri, and I've been doing istikharah prayer, I think, I really made up my mind and beliefs with Ri, not because of my lust or age, or just in the name of love alone, on the show many wanted to match me to their daughter, because of the security I have. But you're not after my treasure. You are different from the others. You never even asked for anything from me. I feel comfortable with you Ri."

Arman really doesn't want to let go of me.

"Mama told you something, right? Can you tell me what he told you?"

"She told me about your sister, and honestly I actually heard from the neighbors, that your mother had two daughters, but somehow her disposition, nature and even appearance are very different.

Since then I've been finding out the truth about the news, and I ended up here Ri, I even admired you more, maybe other children will feel that their parents have been kind, kind, but you don't blame your parents.

You are still living your life, and doing what you want and what you can. You even take care of your niece and sister, you're like mothers in the bodies of 2nd grade High School kids. You are disappointed, angry, and crying, but you keep doing your job, and after that you smile again."

"Sister Arman, are you my fate? Why is it that from your story, I feel that there is an unfolded grudge, whether your family is also being unfair to you, so you feel guilty seeing me." I fell silent and took a deep breath.

"Thank you for your concern and your feelings, if you get any leads, who do you see in your prayer one-third of the night? Said the man of fruit falling not far from the tree, and then were you not afraid, if one day someone came to you and said I was the same as my brother, what would you do? Are you going to leave me, hate me, stay away from me...?" I bow my head.

"Ri, as long as you leave tomorrow let's both think, and give your answers, you'll either accept we're engaged, or we'll just date."

That day Arman remained in my house, even until evening. We enjoyed having dinner with my sister and niece, and my mom was happy with a grown man at home. Do I have to accept Arman, if this feeling suddenly changed, honestly I was afraid, considering my brother chose divorce, I was scared, very scared.

I don't know if someone's feelings won't change, yes maybe now Arman loves me and my body is not like the other women out there, if...

After Arman came home, I tidied up the equipment for tomorrow, checked the house, rested and it looks like I should also pray at night.

I hope I find answers like you, Arman.

May I find happiness, if it is true that we are lucky, if it is true that we get unfair treatment from the family, will you forever complete me.

My brother harbors a grudge against our parents, he runs away to friends he thinks are good, but turns out to plunge him into drugs, alcohol and promiscuity.

Therefore, after graduating from High School, both of my parents found an older brother, sister agreed not to be married to him. They got married and got a boy back, I think my sister must feel Papa and Mama, destroying all her dreams and future.

Though they tried to save brother, so as not to fall into drug entrapment and**** free deepening. The family also helps her brother, in order to get a decent job as well as her husband. But it turns out that the feelings that exist do not last, which initially looks full of affection, and love now ends and chooses to separate.

When she was supposed to be a mother, she wanted to pursue a career and be ashamed if it was known that people already had children. But what right do I have to punish him? I'm just sad, why when she's down I can't help her. Yes because our age was quite far away, so even I did not understand at that time what was going on.

Now, I can only do my duty as his sister, take care of my family, look after my nephew, look after my sister, and my greatest duty is to finish my education.

It all seems so late, because I just found out now. But the lessons I learned, I will always be grateful. Luckily I was able to avoid all of that precisely because of her bitter experience.

Brother, I want you to know, I accept your circumstances as they are, you will forever be my brother, what happens to your life, it is the journey of life, I can only hope, I can only hope, and pray for you that one day your brother will become a better man, aamiin.

I close my eyes, try to rest, my heart aches but tomorrow there is an obligation to do. There's an answer I have to give you... Help me God...