The Smile of God for Marissa

Camp Refugee 2

Wednesday night

Ba’da isya, I focus more on trying to close my eyes. I lay in the corner of the room, away from my friends who were still chatting outside. Tonight many BEM children stay overnight. Most of them were chatting outside the village device room. I want to sleep, even though there are many humans around me.

I forget for a moment the refugee business. I just turned off my phone and intend to close my eyes in the village device room.

“ Ris”Suddenly Syamsya called me. I don't know when he came in.

“ Ya” For a moment I pointed my gaze at Shamsya who was sitting before me lethargicly. Want to swell his body just to lighten his burden, but I paled. I don't have to think about Syamsa. She's doing just fine.

“ You know not last noon where we were?” ask him with sparkling eyes.

“ Us ? Who means we ?” strictly curious. I don't know who we are he's referring to. The whole day I was just chatting with Ms. Darmi and the other refugees in the kitchen. My brain isn't hardened to keep an eye on Shamsya and who's going.

“We are me and Qomar?“ The answer is light without burden. I'm aghast. Not because of hearing the name of Qomar, but because I did not think that Shamsya showed the face of sumringah. It seems like someone is making her heart flower.

“Where are you guys going?” My heart is pounding waiting for Shamsya's answer. It never occurred for a second that Shamsha went with Qomar. There was a pain that started to sting in the corner of my heart. I recall the times when Shamsya still did not want to talk, and Qomar offered to help him to open his voice, hoping that he could turn Shamsya into a trophy for the victory he had won. I'm goosebumps. In the past, I never thought that everything Qomar did would be real.

“She invited me down. “ connect Syamsya suddenly.

“Tu . . Run where?” I almost stammered. Surprised. The pain that has appeared since, is now getting worse and I don't know for what reason.

“Down to town buy veil. “Syamsya pulled out some veils from a plastic bag with the stamp of a famous supermarket in my city. My heart is back shaking. The pain that had been a little in, slowly but surely now has struck all over the heart. I felt something piercing the chest, pain and finally cold as if melted blood was drenching it. I wanted blood in my heart, but before I tried it, my heart rejected it.

“Mbak Syamysa ask for veil on Mas Qomar ? “ I can barely hide my surprise.

“No. “ Should be fast. He was confused by my reaction. He looked at my face while linking his eyebrows together and then lowered his head.

“Contin ?” manya curious.

Shamsya took a deep breath. There was anxiety on his face. With a little courage that he raised, he finally said “You are angry. Ris ?”

“Ti . . . no. There's no reason I'm mad at you, ma'am. Mas Qomar is not who I am. It's just . . .” I intentionally hung my sentence. Not to make him curious in the next sentence but purely because of the pain of sticking my throat.

“ Just what is Ris ? “desak Syamsya.

“I wonder. So easy you guys are close.” I'm lirih.

“ha . .ha . . .ha . . .” Shamsya laughed loudly, and hearing his laughter, my hair slowly stood up. There was an oddity that I heard in his laughter and this made me realize that I should have understood his actions.

“Qomar is a nice, friendly man and a lot of jokes, it is worth dong if he is easy to get along with anyone.” he continued.

Syamsya's right. He is so supple. Not like me I'm working with. I feel set aside. Exactly opposite. Feeling myself to be meaningless before Shamsya and Qomar, I decided to be a good listener.

“Sorry Ma'am, I'm looking to close my eyes tonight. My head feels dizzy and I don't want to, when my friends work I get sick instead. Ma'am thank Kak Qomar for buying you the veil. The hope is that you can become a Sholehah woman. Women who can take care of yourself and your chastity. “ I said slowly. I told my heart not to beat faster than now so that Shamsya could not guess what I was feeling.

“You're not mad at me, are you Ris?” Shamsya.

“Anged ? Of course not. There is no reason for me to be angry at Mbak Syamsya.” My lie.

“Alhamdulillah then. “

This is our first conversation about Qomar. The following days, our topics were only Qomar, Qomar and Qomar. For a long time my heart became more and more painful. Until one day, Shamsya came to see me.

“ You're angry not if I say, I started loving Qomar ? “ said crispy.

What ? love Qomar ? Is that fast ? Did I not hear wrong ? Did he start loving Qomar ? Then I'm sure there will be a wounded heart and that's my heart. The heart that I always keep neat so that all the flavors that ever existed are not easy to read. I don't have the courage to express my heart to others like Shamsya.

“ Free to love anyone. It is the right of every human being. But as I said yesterday, you have to keep your honor. Don't get caught up with dating. Sin”

“ So you approve our relationship ?” firmly excited. It's okay if he thinks I'm doing it. The most important thing to me is that he can't guess how I feel right now.

“ How far have you been in contact?”Although my heart aches, I still try to hear and respond to the sentence.

“ Not too far away. Mas Qomar hasn't said love. But for some reason, with him my heart is comfortable. That afternoon he advised me to be patient in the face of disaster. Praying diligently and many others, and to me he was different from the man I had been with. I never knew there was such a unique man around me. Ah, how stupid of me. There's a precious metal near me but I'm looking for copper.” Syamsya.

“ Then Mas Qomar sentence which made Mbak fell in love with him ? You know, on our campus he is famous as a da’i who always advises anyone who looks fragile in front of him. He grew a spirit of life and never once did he express love for his client. But with you ? “

“ Precisely because he did not directly say love is what made me fall in love with him.“ Shamsya smiled spoiled.

“ Be careful, do not let Mbak get hurt.” My message. I feel my chest getting sicker, but for her sake I will try to be sincere.

“Hopefully my hunch is right” Shamsya said as she laid down her body next to mine.

“ Hunch ? What hunch ?”

“ Yes, about his feelings for me. May I know who the woman who is close to him is ? or who is it ?” Syamsya.

“ I don't know. Ma'am just ask him.”I answer me accordingly.

“ Shy dong. Time I should ask that. But this afternoon he asked you.”

Surprises. My heart jumped happily as if fighting over the place with my sister Syamsya.

“ He asked me, how do I feel being your friend.”

“ That's it ? “ my number disappointed. I guess he asked me my days, my attitude, behavior and others e.

“ No Risa.”

“ Keep ?”

“ Yes, I just answer if I find a new atmosphere that is much more comfortable than my family used to be.” Ih Shamsya really does not connect. Is this the result of him falling in love or because of the rest of the avalanche of hills yesterday ? I don't know, what's important to me is that his health has recovered and he's changed to be more positive.

“ Ris, how silent ?”

“ Like this, I need to sleep, Ma'am, I'm sleepy.” I turned my body to back him, in order to hide the taste that is now persistent attacking me.

“ Yes, your eyes are red. Must be really sleepy, huh ? You sleep first, I'm going to the yard, join the other volunteers. There is coordination outside and Mas Qomar is leading.”Immediately I covered my body with a blanket even though the air was not too cold tonight. Speninggal Syamsa, my tears melted down my cheeks. It was not the first time I cried for a man. Back then, when I was in high school, I lost the attention of a man I loved. She fell in love with a new student at my school and this time it was exactly the same.

I lost my Commander's attention, just after the campus flowers caught his eye.

My tears are flowing more and more. Well, maybe it's heavier than the flow of Bogowonto times or the flow of rain that these few days faithfully accompany us.

I feel my chest tight. The air circulation in my nose is disrupted. I covered my face with a pillow, hiding my sobs from the hearing of people outside the room. God, why when my heart has found the man of alim dambaan father, it must run aground, displaced by the arrival of new people?

Pain !!!

It was hurt and hard for me to forget. I realized soon there was a heart ready to be hurt.

***

In the morning when I went out to perform my tahajjud, I saw the figure of Qomar sitting behind him. It seems he is holding back the sleepiness. I finally got my foot up quickly. Afraid Qomar saw me and asked me all sorts of questions about Syamsa.

A few minutes later, I reached the ablution. This narrow place measuring twice four meters in size, became my witness. I roll up my sleeves and my veil, and say a prayer while washing my hands. I continued to wash my mouth, nose and face. I felt the water very fresh, stirring my passion for life.

I continued to wash my hands, right and left and then washed my hair and ears and ended them by washing my feet. The final prayer of ablution I solemnly offer.

Only then did I rush to the small mosque beside the ablution.

I saw some men sleeping there. I breathed a sigh of relief, for they knew themselves, not sleeping in the place of the women's prayer. I put my face on quickly, and before long, I was already solemn with the prayers I offered through the prayer recitation.

Half an hour later, I finished my trial and I covered it with three rakaat witir. The liver medicine has five things. First read the Quran and its meaning, the second night prayer is established, the third one is extended at night. The fourth fasting, the fifth gathering with the shaleh.

It's a way to calm the heart said Ustadz Haris. Ustad that we often invite in campus rohis events. It's held every pecan and I'll always remember his advice. Today, in my dhikr, I ask forgiveness for me, my parents, my teachers, and all the Muslims around the world. I ask for His guidance and protection, for me and my family and all Muslims.

I had just finished my prayer, when suddenly Shamsa was standing next to me and told me that Qomar was waiting for me in the post. I immediately fixed my face and headed to the post to meet Qomar.

“You're really shameless huh Ris?” snapped Qomar without looking at me. I don't know what he meant. Why did he say I had no shame. I imagine what I've done these few days to make Qomar say I'm shameless. After a few minutes, I felt a sense of unease and trouble that made me feel ashamed. As I recall, I've done everything I should have done without breaking the norm at all.

“I don't know why Brother says I'm shameless. As I recall, . . . .”

“You don't even know what you've done ?” he cut my sentence once again.

“Please Brother explain what I have done so Big Brother says I am shameless. Please ! “ my word is memhiba.

“Where were you last night?”

Deg. My heart seems to jump. Not in his place.

“Tast night ?” I firmly frowned, not understanding all the words of my commander. “I slept in the device room of the village.” My welcome.

“That's what I said you have no shame.”

“I ? Shameless? Which part of it am I shameless about ?Is it wrong for me to sleep in the hardware room of the village? All my friends sleep there”

“But they slept at twelve. And you . . . What time do you sleep?” it's snapped once again.

“I sleep eight, Brother. “

“You know what we did last night ?”

I just shook my head slowly. “Really I don't know what you guys did until late at night,” connect me.

“You are a secretary. You should know the agenda. You know what you have to do when we coordinate. But nevermind. I know you may be tired of being a secretary.”

“Kak . . . I really didn't know that last night there was any coordination. I'm sorry.” I can only duck. I know it's my stupidity. But why didn't he ask me about how I was doing last night ?

Uh. How stupid of me. Why do I expect questions from him? Why would I want him to ask me about my condition last night? Is it because I love him? No. I said firmly, rejecting my feelings that have begun to fall in love with Qomar.

No. gabe.

If he knew how hurt I was, he wouldn't have scolded me like that. But nevermind. Whatever I say he'll never want to know because he really hates me.

“You can go!” said Qomar while swinging a step leaving me who was still bowed in embarrassment. Without waiting for the second order, I immediately passed from the post to the mosque because the dawn prayer was already reverberating. After dawn, I did not leave the musholla. Not because I didn't want to help in the soup kitchen, but rather because my heart was completely hurt by Qomar's words and indifference to me.