The Short Poetry Collection

Lupa

I've been used to not having a lot of expectations with people. I know that expectations can only lead me to disappointment. And, being disappointed hurts. It's even more distressing when I can't blame anyone for my pain. That's because what's wrong is myself, my own expectations. It's not easy. The slightest hope will always appear without being prevented. That's how humans are, isn't it? I like to guess and assume for myself. Until finally, he realized that what he thought could not match reality.

Unfortunately, even though they are used to it, humans can also forget. Yes, forgot. Forgetting that someone who usually always manages to meet all expectations can also always be inversely proportional to expected. And, this is my lupa story. About someone who managed to make me fall asleep in the flow of hope and hope, then it boils down to an expectation that has never been said.

I have a friend, she is a girl. Oh yes, this is not a romance story of two people who are stuck in friendship or friendship status, because I am also a woman. This is a story about disappointment. We have not been friends for a long time, but there have been so many stories I have from him and stories I have shared with him. Almost nothing was covered, everything became transparent between us. However, not all the opinions I think will always be the same as the opinions, right?

It was SNMPTN announcement day. The good news is that my best friend was accepted to the university and his dream major, Communication Science at UGM. The bad news was that I was rejected which immediately broke my spirit. Especially after hearing her accepted according to her dreams for three years in High School. It's not that I'm not happy, but it feels like he's mocking me for being rejected. Ah, no, he might have been right to mock me.

"You're too idealistic, anyway! Getting into medicine at UGM is hard. You may be accepted" he said at the time.

I don't know, I don't know if it was intentional or not. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the pain I feel will still be there. He seemed to say I was not worthy of being accepted at a prestigious campus in Indonesia. He seemed to say that all my efforts during this time were just playing games. Okay, maybe I don't deserve that compared to the rest of the people. However, can't I have any consolation or words of encouragement? That was my goal to ask to meet him that day. Because I thought he would encourage me and comfort me. Then, invite me to have fun so that I can forget the red color before returning to fight towards UTBK. As people say, expectations are not as beautiful as reality. Sharp words, cornering, and dropping that I got instantly stabbed my heart. I had trouble holding back the tears that were about to fall.

Trida, a friend who always responds well to all my stories. Trida who had always been the most comfortable place for me instantly turned into a stranger. I thought I lost him back then, even now. Since he officially became the master of UGM, all his behavior to me changed 180 degrees. And a few days ago I found out why.

"Kok you're different now, Tri? I rarely reply to my chat. Too busy being a mom?" I said, trying to sound like a simple pleasantry conversation after a long time without meeting.

"Lumayan. Maba must be active here and there, so that the relationship is broad. So, pretty busy. Same with you gap year. Must be doing nothing. Want to be like you who do not need to be busy here and there," he explained which I think sounds more like satire.

Yes, I have to gap year this year. I failed at UTBK, failed on the independent track. Actually it could be private, but my idealism is still higher.

I forced my laughter, "I even want your kayak. Busy to become UGM. Must be exciting."

"That's exciting at all. Who's tired of stress." He immediately denied.

Arggh! I was really frustrated to hear every sentence that came out of Trida's lips. He seemed to regret his decision to become a UGM student because of the busy that struck. And, that's all he told me who really wants to become a master of UGM.

"Tri, I think I should go now. I still have work. Shall we go on again sometime?" cut me off instantly as Trida paused for a moment from her long streak.

"Ah, yes gapapa. Did you get a job? Where's where?" Trida asked again.

As hard as I can hold a smile as a form of hospitality. "Udah. Anyways. First huh? I'm hustling. You must be busy, too, right?" Afterwards, I immediately left in a hurry before Trida could say anything.

I lied to him for the first time. I lied to you that I was in a hurry. I lied if there was work waiting. Actually, I just wanted to stop hearing Trida's rant. So, I chose to leave on the grounds of work.

The wrong decision asked him to meet for a while. His initial intention was that I wanted him to be frank with the reason he had changed like that, even though I already knew the reason. But the truth is far from that. He continued to talk about things he could talk about, including things that touched me. Apparently, there was no need to hear a reason from him to make me sure. By looking at his attitude that way I already know that he would not be friends with me who did not succeed in college this year. He thinks he's smarter and more honorable than me.

Although it's foreign and disappointing, I want to thank Trida. Thank you for being such a good friend for the past three years, for also returning me who did not easily have high expectations of others. Somehow, since I knew Trida, I often put high expectations that only end me hurt. However, just calm down. It won't be anymore.

Disappointment is trauma

Those who believe should be hurt

Slowly becoming dislike

Accustomed to forget too

Until finally fell

Pain at the end

Reluctant to the world again

The expectations do not match reality

It's true that

Not a mere nonsense

Believe in not believe, must be accepted

Friends are not forever

Change will always be there

The heart must stay awake

Not to be fragile when the time comes

To admit defeat to the world

Before getting up a second time

With the newly created taste

**haii!! How are you doing? I want to say congratulations to those who escaped SNMPTN, even though it was late. For those who have not escaped, the spirit!! Do not forget to study and pray, equal rest.

Happy breaking of fast too! Do not sleep overnight because tomorrow still has to be sahur. May her fast be too much. The spirit!

Follow @aisy.deli on instagram**