THE LOVE OF LOVE, AZZAHRA
DECREE 1
I realized too late
After my heart is hurt
My heart is sincerely loving
And love you all souls
Now I try to reflect
In my heart I try to ask
It was my fault until you left
My love is my hope in vain
In my silence I remember our story
My heart is sad not to speak
I am weak and helpless
Your departure tormented me
If only time could be turned back
I want you to stay here
We go through the love story we live
I can't afford to go when you're gone
I drowned quietly in the quiet of the night
I alone bear all the burdens you give me
Flowing tears wetting the cheeks
I will clear everything with a sincere heart
I will make you go in my heart, too
*(I wish I could turn back by Nazila Marwiana)
🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Merciful.
*1. Did We not stretch out your breast (Muhammad)?,
and We have lowered your burden from you,
which weighs down your back,
and We have raised the name (you) to you.
Then indeed with difficulty there is ease,
indeed, with difficulty there is ease.
So when you are done (of some business), keep working hard (for other business),
and to your Lord only you hope. (Qs. Al Insyirah 1-8*)
The night sky started to head to its central point. The chants of God who never absent inhabit the silence of the night is still heard so melodious and beautiful. Every meaning from line to line of verse was so piercing into the recesses of the soul, as if slapping hard on him that he was still stuck in the depths of bitterness.
Time has firmly stood in its place but at least it does not move from its position. He was too washed away in the memories that kept spinning endlessly to the point of disturbing his soul. The breath sounded heavy as if a pile of concrete was falling on him. Do you know that God never leaves you? what makes you feel like you can't see the world anymore.
Zahra was silent to mean the sentence of the cry of God which is now melodious. From him, his soul began to cool. The weight slowly lifted, lightening itself. He also rubbed his face while beristighfar.
"God, why else would I forget that you are with me? Forgive me if repeatedly this mouth and heart calls for complaint of Your destiny. Take anything from me, I'm sincere. But one thing I asked for. Protect my faith. Don't take away my faith because without it life is dead. "
"If it be this way, you exalt me, O Lord. I am always happy because of it. For the ultimate purpose of my life is none other than to be with You, Your beloved and to be with him in Your heaven."
Zahra smiled bitterly at the figure that was now neatly framed in front of her.
"I'm sorry Zahra, if Zahra's still crying for you. True weight to wade through life full of trials without you, Bi. But Zahra can do anything but sincerely accept it. Zahra also apologized if Zahra's decision to accept Farid had to end up dividing this heart. Verily, Zahra loves you very much because of God and will always love you to the end."
Zahra wiped her tears that fell down.
"Can't you not go, Nduk?" Umm Maryam's face looked sad.
"Zahra should go Ummi. It's been a decision from the leadership, Zahra has no power to resist."
"But, Nduk.. "
"Raffa will stay here, Ummi. Zahra couldn't take him. Zahra's time there will run out by working and completing Zahra's specialist education. Zahra fears Raffa is not taken care of if Zahra takes him there. After all, it's only one year, Ummi, God willing if there's a chance Zahra will come home."
"What about Farid? didn't you get the offer? when you left, Nduk."
Abi's voice now distracts Zahra who had calmed the Ummi.
"Zahra asked for ta'aruf first before actually receiving his proposal, Abi. Now that Zahra is not pushy, the decision is in his hands. He's either backing down or waiting. Even if waiting, Zahra could not promise anything in the future. Afraid that God might have other plans."
"So you know this is too much for you. But, Nduk, it is not good to ignore let alone reject the good intentions that come from good men and sholeh. Abi fears Allah's wrath. It's possible that Farid's presence was the answer to our do'a-do'a all along."
"Zahra needs time to establish this heart. Zahra did not want the decision that Zahra took now only later Zahra regretted. Abi and Ummi knew very well the reason Zahra accepted Farid. As Abi said at the time, only by marrying another man might Sister Kayyisa stop pleading with Zahra to marry Mas Hakam."
"I'm sorry, Nduk. At this time his soul was depressed because of the pain he was suffering. He thinks if Hakam marries you, later if he leaves, Hakam is not too bad as you are dissolved in grief because of the departure of Hafiz. You will both treat each other and fill the emptiness of each in the future. Your mom just wants you guys to be happy afterwards. That's proof that he loves you and Hakam very much" Ummi said gently but slashed.
How could Zahra accept such a ridiculous plea. Married to the sister of her late husband. How many people should be hurt if he agrees. His heart, the heart of Mas Hakam, and of course the heart of Mbak Kayyisa himself. What about Qais and Raffa? wouldn't that also hurt the hearts of the two boys. Zahra knew exactly what the love of the two was like, just like the love he and Hafiz had. Too big and deep.
And Farid? Yes, Muhammad Farid Ihsanuddin. Former chairman Rohis in High School. A close friend and companion of Hafiz's struggle in studying religion. A quiet man with sharp eyes and his own charisma in the eyes of the women, suddenly came to Abi with the intention of asking Zahra. Zahra was surprised when Abi told her. But next he was astonished by the words of the Abi-in-law. There was nothing he could say because his tongue was muffled, his heart was sliced at the sound of the middle-aged man's heart which he had already considered like his real father. Her tears flooded her entire beautiful face
"Since the beginning, Abi has considered you as Abi's daughter instead of daughter-in-law. Abi loves you, Zahra is like a father who loves his daughter. All this time Abi just kept quiet but now, Abi wants you to know. All this time Abi's heart aches to see you who continue to drown in memories with Hafiz. Drowning in a love that makes you reluctant to feel another happiness.
Zahra, Abi would like to thank you for loving Abi's son with all your soul. But honestly Abi doesn't like to even get hurt watching you stay silent in that sense, for a very long time. Abi wants to see you as happy as ever. Abi wants to see you live this life without the shadow of Hafiz. Abi believes Hafiz wants it too. He is not a selfish child, you also know very well what he is like. For him your happiness is everything. And he must be sincere if you live in the future with other men.
Zahra, Abi and Ummi are getting older. One day there will be a time when we will return to Him. And before that time comes, Abi wants to make sure you have found your happiness. Along with good men who can take care of you and Raffa in the future.
Hakam, Abi's eldest son was a good man. But it's not her that Abi expects to be with you. Abi is not ridho' if you get married. Abi does not want you to be hurt again, Abi does not want you to be the cause of the wound that scratches the heart of another Abi daughter even if it is his will. Abi understood what Kayyisa was thinking and feeling right now. He was just too carried away by the feeling of his fear of leaving Hakam who might later fall like you. But Abi also knows, in the deepest corner of her heart, there is a feeling where she does not want her husband's love to be shared with any woman including you while she still sees the world.
The woman was very good at keeping her heart wounds. Just like you, you smile and laugh as if you are happy yet Abi knows how big a gaping wound is in your heart, as often as you cry in your solitude. You're just trying to cover up your heartache from other people especially Abi and Ummimu. You pretend to be happy just so we don't worry about you.
Zahra, Abi's heart will be very sad and sorry if Abi dies later you are still alone like this. Lamenting the bitter destiny of Hafiz's delirium. Dissolved in love that makes you have to gulp pain continuously. As strong and powerful as any woman, she still needs a companion. Someone you put on your back when you're tired. The one who leads you when you walk doesn't know the direction. And someone who wipes your tears when you cry.
And Abi would be so happy if the man you were with was Farid. Abi believed him. He is able to take care of you, guide you and make you happy. Farid is the right man to be Raffa's surrogate father. Her sincerity of accepting you for who you are, made Abi sure of her. His love for you is so sincere.
If you love Hafiz because of his wisdom, then you feel close to Allah. So Abi felt it was not difficult to anchor love to him. His morality is not much different from Hafiz, maybe even better. He was also a Hafidz Qur'an. So you should not think long will pinangannya. God willing, He is the man who can lead you to His heaven.
Zahra, marry Farid. Abi, Ummi and.. Hafiz calm. Probably married to Farid. Kayyisa stopped begging you and Hakam to get married. Hakam is also easier to persuade him to go to Singapore because your mother's heart is calmer to see you find your happiness. He loves you so much that's why he's doing it."
Zahra's tears welled up to hear all the words of her ashes. So much love for both of them that their hearts hurt because of him. He really felt guilty. Hafiz might be angry to see that he has hurt the hearts of both his loved ones.
Time and again Zahra begged forgiveness for all the wrongs and caliphs he had done. She also nodded confidently to fulfill her in-laws wishes even though her heart was again torn apart. It was hard for him to accept any man because his whole heart and life had been taken away. But what can he do now. There was no other path he could choose. Married to Hakam and Farid he did not want to, but he had to choose one of them.
* * * * *
Zahra looked at her two in-laws who were now sitting on the sofa opposite her.
"Let Zahra go Abi, Ummi. Just one year. After returning home from there Zahra promised, Zahra was ready to marry any man including Farid. Zahra please. Let Zahra organize and strengthen this heart first" Zahra pleaded.
A heavy gust of breath shot out from the nose of the two middle-aged men. Ummi looked at her husband and nodded slowly at him.
"There's no choice. Abi and Ummi can't ban you. Go if you think it's good, we'll let you. It's just that Abi and Ummimu's choice still remains the same. Farid is the man we choose to accompany you," Abi said rather firmly.
Zahra looked down after. He could only be silent and unable to answer.
"If you can force it, Abi wants you to get married before you leave. At least you are bound first before parting for one year, so that there is no slander in the future," continued Abi made Zahra look up instantly. His face was heating up, the meaning of his eyes was slowly dripping.
"We want you to take care of each other and slowly build feelings even though far apart for a while. In addition, of course, so that the decision of your mother does not waver again to seek treatment to Singapore" continued Ummi.
Zahra did not know what to do and she said other than to cry as hard as she could. Long enough, Ummi finally returned to his voice.
"But we can't force you, Nduk. You have the right to refuse. The burden you are carrying right now is heavy. If your unpreparedness to get married in the near future actually increases your burden then do not do it. Abi and Ummi God willing to accept your decision."
Ummi's soft voice was like pouring cold water into Zahra's heart. Without answering anything, Zahra immediately rested in front of Ummi and Abinya. He hugged the leg of Ummi tightly while drowning his face in the thigh of Ummi Maryam. Her tears shed again soaked the robe that Umminya wear.
Ummi gently stroked Zahra's head, while Abi rubbed his shoulders. Such great love and affection from the two is so clearly visible, to his dearest son-in-law.
"Here you go, stop crying, Nduk. Most cry later you are sick," said Ummi.
"Ummi and Abi aren't mad at Zahra if Zahra refuses to marry at this time?" zahra asked with her head looking up at the two. Abi and Ummi smiled gently then nodded.
"Why would we be angry if it would make you a little happy. But remember, go home after a year and marry Farid afterwards" Ummi said. Zahra nodded reassuringly to the two.
"Speak well with Farid. God willing he will accept your decision and will wait for you" added Abi. Zahra nodded reassuringly. With great affection Ummi pulled Zahra's body and grabbed her.
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