THE LOVE OF LOVE, AZZAHRA

UNDECIDED

Dusk began to rule the sky this afternoon, although its presence was only a moment but its charm always managed to attract the attention of many earthlings, including Zahra. Three days had passed since his long conversation with Ummi Maryam, Zahra had increasingly shut himself down. In addition to the operating room, only the mosque is a place to stay in the hospital. Three full days Zahra thought of Ummi's words that kept ringing in his ears.

"Hafiz, Nduk. Ummi please release him. Don't burden him with the doubts that have been in your heart all this time. Ummi please, let him in your heart. Love him accordingly, don't torture yourself."

The words "Ikhlas" and "Let go" came out of Umm Maryam's lips as if to draw her heart. It was easy to say but somehow it felt heavy for Zahra. He admitted, Umm Maryam's heart was stronger and stronger than his. Ummi looked so airy even after knowing there was a living fetus in Zahra at that time, as if nothing had happened. He was so happy to wait for his granddaughter to come to this world. His attention focused on Zahra and her future grandchildren. Every day put on a face full of happiness and seemed to forget to have lost someone so meaningful all this time.

Yes, Ummi's stubbornness had amazed Zahra. No mother in this world feels all right when her beloved son is gone. And that made Zahra rise up and try to turn her attention all this time to the figure who is now present in this world as the light of her soul. Zahra had forgotten the pain in her heart along with her busy care for the fruits of her love with Hafiz, not to mention her lecture schedule and super-dense practicum.

But again he had to remember the figure of Hafiz who he loved so much when some men tried to get close to him. It is not that he does not want to open his heart, it is just that Hafiz's figure is always a comparison when he tries to go further. According to him, all this time there was no man as perfect as Hafiz in his eyes, a man who has good manners with his gentle attitude.

Either because it is so the reality or indeed only Hafiz is visible to his eyes and heart so that other men seem invisible to him. Not to mention the dream that always comes to decorate his sleep. The figure of Hafiz who was never absent was present in his dream with a distinctive smile of his own, even once after he prayed Istikharah to ask for his instructions when Gus Ahyar came to worship him. Zahra dreamed of his first meeting with Hafiz a few years ago. Only a small piece but Zahra could still clearly see who the man was and what he said.

"For you. May there come a time when God will bring us back together under His love" said the teenager, giving his prayer.

He clearly knew who that man was. The words that were thrown out were exactly the same as back then, as he consciously also guaranteed them. A man who has stolen his heart and his life. And it is because of that dream that Zahra steadfastly refused the sermon that came for her from the grandson of the owner of the boarding school where Umm Maryam spent her teenage years first.

"How can Zahra let you off so easily as your memory grows more clingy. Even when you are present, it is more clearly visible in Zahra's eyes" murmured Zahra softly.

"How can such a great and deep love for you be replaced at once with love for another man. Let alone to accept Farid's presence in Zahra's heart even to try it felt heavy at this moment. His presence makes Zahra look up to you even more, Bi. His presence increasingly makes Zahra reluctant to turn away from you. Zahra wishes he was you. But the fact that his attitude was different to Zahra seemed to break Zahra's expectations.

Should Zahra let you go as Ummi said? Habibis.. Zahra. Zahra misses you, Zahra needs you.."

Zahra raised her head while wiping the tears that fell on her cheeks.

The twilight flow this time seemed to be piercing his mind. The memory of Hafiz and Habibi swirled in his head. There is no difference between the two. His face, his voice, his manners and even his small attention were as if they were the same person. But how could it be if they were the same person, why did Habibi not remember it, recalling the memories of the two of them. Then how could he be Kayla's older sister, wouldn't it make no sense if Habibi was her Habibi.

Zahra exhaled, reaching for the phone from inside the bag. He needed someone, someone who was able to calm his heart just by hearing the words of wisdom coming out of his lips.

"Assalamu'alaikum" greeted Zahra in a hoarse voice as someone picked up the phone from her.

"Wa'alaikumus greetings," answered someone from across the street in a soft voice.

Zahra smiled bitterly, puzzled as to where she should begin to pour out her heart.

"Zahra?" call the person when you don't hear a voice from the woman who called him for a few minutes.

"Do you also think that what I've been doing all this time is wrong, Ran?"

Zahra asked the person she called Ran. Yes, that someone is Rania. Women who have almost the same nature as Zahra, calm, graceful and mature.

"What do you mean, Ra?" ask Rania who does not understand the meaning of the sentence that Zahra uttered.

"Am I wrong if I've always loved Hafiz? Is it because of this attitude of mine, you also think that I have not renounced Hafiz's departure?"

"Zara.."

"Honestly, Ran."

"There's nothing wrong with you loving Hafiz."

"Then?"

"I don't know, Ra, because I'm not in your position. Only you and God know how sincerely you let go of Hafiz."

"Rania.. " Zahra called out with a trembling voice.

"What's wrong with you, Ra? why are you suddenly asking me like that?" Rania is confused.

"I can't stand it, Ran. It's getting harder for me to step up."

"Zahra, tell me clearly so I can understand why you are like this. You're like you're not the Zahra I know. He never gave up like this. She's a strong woman."

"Do you believe me if I tell you that Hafiz is still alive?" said Zahra immediately made Rania silenced.

"You can't believe it, Ran."

"It's not so, Ra. It's just this su.."

"Have seven years passed? It was the same sentence, which Ummi told me. Ummi asked me to let go of Hafiz and started trying to accept Farid," Zahra paused her sentence for a moment.

"That's you, Ran. That's hard for me. I intend to accept Farid without taking off Hafiz, I try to try it but it seems like everything will get harder due to his presence. The figure that I've been trying to shake off his virginity is now increasingly making me hang on to the hope that he is still alive."

Rania still silently listened to Zahra's outpouring of heart.

"Rania, I met him. And I'm close to him so how can I be sincere and take him off, when he's in front of my eyes."

"I don't understand what you're talking about anymore, Zahra" Rania said.

"Ran, I can't accept Farid. L'm.. "

"Whatever your reasons, you have the right to decide your own life" Rania cut.

"You have the right to decide whether you will remain in the puddle of the past that has always made your heart hurt by holding on to it or moving on from it and seeking your happiness from another direction?" rania continued, her soft voice sounded firm.

"Zahra, only you know and feel whether you are happy with your life or not without having to lie to your heart and pretend like everything is fine."

"I just wish he was Hafiz" Zahra interrupted before Rania spoke again.

"Don't hang your hopes on her, Remember Allah. Before God inflicts more pain upon your hope upon His creatures. Try to leave everything to Him. He is the best place where you hang your hopes. If the person you are referring to is Haphiz, and God is still willing to match you with him, then that moment will come by itself without His permission even without Him asking for you.

Zahra do you not know that soul mate and death are His power. So why do you have to worry about all that. Live it all because of Allah, desire the heart only because of Allah, God willing everything will be easy because God will make it easy."

"So what should I do now, Ran?"

"Smart women like yourself can be stupid just because of love."

"Ran.." Zahra's whine sounded spoiled.

"Yes, just go through it all, Ra. God must have shown you the way."

There was a small ruckus from Rania's lips when facing the figure of Zahra that was different from usual.

"Then Farid how? do I have to break off our engagement before things get tough?"

I heard a breath from across there.

"Are you sure he's Hafiz? until you have to hurry to break your relationship with Farid," said Rania with a probing tone.

"Then?"

"Let everything go according to His decree. Do not rush to make decisions especially when your heart is upset like this. Is not your intention to go there too while arranging and strengthening the heart of what you will decide in the future? then use that one year well. Do not try to seek the truth of who he is, for I do not want you to be more deeply mired when the truth is not in accordance with your hopes and expectations.

Again, pray and strengthen your heart. Remember, someone who is destined for you whenever he will be yours and God knows better who is best for you, so be careful, my dear," rania said sounding soft and wise as if she was advising her little sister.

"Thank you, Ran."

"Hmmm, remember don't rush to break up with Farid. Hold your heart for a year. Farid will certainly understand if for example one year to come it turns out the answer to do'a you two is the breakup of your relationship. We never know what God's plan is like.

You remember, how my story with Mas Kemal first. We got married right where I was about to marry another man. No one knows if Mas Kemal who was then an invited guest actually changed into a bridegroom at my wedding. At that time we were both sincere and resigned to the destiny that God wrote for us. We gave everything to God even though we loved each other, but you can see for yourself, Ra.

Allahu akbar.. He is the Owner of the Story. The story that we thought would never be intertwined before turns out instead He carved a story about us that fused in the seconds we would be completely separated."

"Rania, I've missed you" Zahra's spoiled great-grandson.

The rarity was heard from across.

"Ra, Hafiz will always believe if you love her even though fate eventually unites you with Farid" Rania said.

"Remember this verse always:

'...You may hate something, but it is very good for you, and you may (also) like something, but it is very bad for you; God knows, and you do not know.'

Qs. Al Baqara:216.

Zahra, Hafiz is a good man, you know that. And in my opinion, Farid was no less good than Hafiz. I knew them both long before you even knew each other. The nature of the two is different but believe me, if Farid is your soul mate, I believe he can lead you to His jannah as Hafiz used to lead you," Rania again said.

"Yes, Ran. I'll just ask for his prayers."

"Surely, without you asking, I always pray for you, my Fetal friend."

Zahra's smile expands when she hears Rania's last sentence.

"You must think that now I'm whiny, weak and childish huh."

"It is a lesson to one whom Allah wrought many times with such a terrible test. If you do not weep and feel weak when God tests you, your name is arrogant, and God is more angry with his servant who feels that His test means nothing to his servant who is being tested. The test is intended to make a servant remember his Lord with a weak heart and feel small because Allah is the Greatest and the Most Powerful. I salute you, even though your heart is broken many times, you can still stand strong to live this life without despair. And you also never do anything deviant just because of your desperation to a destiny that breaks your heart many times.

Losing Hafiz, losing your dearly loved family, struggling to conceive and raise Raffa and being tested for problems involving Mas Hakam and Mbak Kayyisa, not to mention other tests. I probably wouldn't be as loud and strong as you if I were in your position, Ra. But you? it's lucky someone has you. Not all women can be like you, even a heavenly angel would be jealous if you were. Beautiful woman, intelligent, shalihah, angelic hearted, sincere, faithful, pen.."

"Stop. You can make me feel guilty, Ran. I'm not as good or perfect as you think. Stop flattering me and exaggerating. We are the same, and there is nothing in the eyes of God."

Zahra cut through Rania's long speech.

"Yes, I'm closing. Soon in maghrib time."

"Yes, beautiful. The spirit."

"Yes, assalamu'alaikum."

"Wa'alaikumus greetings."

Zahra lowered her phone then looked at the flat object while smiling sweetly. A breath sounded lightly out from his lips. Lucky to have friends who always support him. Give him input without corrupting him. Wise words that always calm his heart. And the main thing is that they always remind Zahra in the trial, that God is always with him. They all fought together so that Allah would make them friends until His jannah.

"Waiting to open?" ask someone to make Zahra jump.

"Astaghfirullah," said Zahra softly as she rubbed her chest.

"Sorry surprised. Assalamu'alaikum" he said with a sweet smile.

"Wa'alaikumus greetings," replied Zahra as she nodded slowly and then silently lowered her head.

Not only in the hospital even on campus why he had to meet this handsome man. Is he fighting with Habibi? Zahra hope it is so, that is to say, yes, it is not good to still hope. Rania was right, resigned to Him. He is the Matchmaker. When thought of continuously, he would only worry between choosing to be loyal to Hafiz or trying to accept Farid. It is better to live it, following the flow to where it will come down without thinking more because the story of his life has been written by Him long before.

"This,"

Habibi thrust a box of brownies at Zahra precisely put next to the woman.

"For?"

"For you to eat as a fast breaker" Habibi said with a straight forward look.

"No need, sir," Zahra refused subtly as she shifted the brownie box slightly.

"It is not good to refuse sustenance."

"That's not what it means. I mean, you give me neither will I eat it. Isn't it redundant? you better eat it yourself or give it to someone else."

"So unhappy are you with me that you refuse my gift?"

"Not you but what you gave me, I don't like" Zahra said.

"Don't you like brownies?" asked Habibi while frowning.

"Don't like sweet," explained Zahra.

Habibi deepened his frown. Are there women in this world who do not like sweet foods? it seems like everyone likes it but why does Zahra not like it. Habibi is busy with his own thoughts.

"Then you open with what?" habibi asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Mineral water" Zahra replied, showing her the bottle.

"No eating?"

"My class is at half-seven. There won't be enough time to break the fast with heavy food."

"When do you eat?"

"Maybe it's after my college hours."

"What time is it over?"

Zahra was silent for a moment hearing Habibi's question that sounded caring to her.

"I can guess maybe you won't eat later. Didn't your school end at nine in the evening? many women prefer not to eat at that time. I think you're included."

"If you know I finished ninth grade then why do you still ask?"

"Just want to make sure."

"Oh.. Oh yeah, why are you here?"

"Where is it here? on campus or next to you?"

Hearing that, Zahra glanced at Habibi who seemed to be sharing his smile with the view still fixed forward.

"I finished teaching, in the Hospital Service Management class," Habibi said without waiting for Zahra to speak.

"Oh yeah, you really don't like sweet?" ask Habibi again.

Zahra nodded with a look forward. In his heart, there was a comfortable feeling of sitting and chatting with Habibi. Although there was a distance that stretched between them. But this actually reminded him of the moment when he and Hafiz were not halal yet, sitting together and spaced exactly as they are today.

"Good," Habibi briefly made Zahra instantly turn her face to the man.

"Well-good?"

"Hmmm. good. So I have a way for you to think more if you want to cry again" said Habibi, still in his position.

"You mean?"

"If you still let your tears flow, that means you're ready to eat this sweet food."

"Did?" Zahra knitted his brows a sign he did not understand Habibi's intentions.

"I once warned you not to cry in front of other people, but it turns out my warning you just ignore. Three times you cried in front of me and it was excruciating. So. with this sweet treat I will punish you if it happens again."

Zahra rounded her eyes to hear Habibi's words.

"Why should you punish me? if you don't like it, you can go."

"Your crying face is clearly imprinted in my brain. Even though I tried to take my eyes off, I could still remember it and it bothered me."

"Disturbing?"

Zahra did not believe Habibi could say that, words that made her uncomfortable now.

"I have no right or power to wipe away your tears and it bothers me a lot, because I can't make you stop crying. You understand what I mean."

Habibi makes his sentence clear.

Zahra stared at Habibi. There is something urgent to come out if Habibi does not come back to warn him.

"The brownies are intact. You can spend it if you still intend to cry especially in front of me," Habibi recalled when he felt a strange air coming out of Zahra.

"Why should you be tormented by my tears?" asked Zahra as if he wanted to know the reason for Habibi.

If the one in front of him was Hafiz perhaps he could tell the reason. And now he just wants to see if there is a Hafiz figure in Habibi.

"The tears that fall from a loved one are more painful than anything else. The world seemed to collapse, the heart seemed to be broken just from seeing his cry and it was even more agonizing when this hand had no power to wipe away his tears," habibi said as if unaware of what he said.

"Habibi. "call Zahra.

Habibi turned his face towards Zahra. Both views are combined. The two netra are mutually immersed in the taste that is in it.

Zahra's heart seemed to be squeezed back by the same sentence that Hafiz had said to her. Zahra smiled at him. Now he saw a look of eyes that were no stranger to him. The love that Hafiz always showed her. The radiance of love that he had not long ago seen in Farid's eyes. And now, the radiance seemed to be from the look of Habibi's eyes.

"Does that mean you love me?"

Zahra's still trying to dig.

"Bu-not that I mean."

Habibi stuttered a little. Whether consciously or not, the words he had uttered just now seemed to be an atomic bomb pointing at him.

Zahra smiled at Habibi's attitude which began to look confused to explain his point.

"There is someone I love very much. And so it was very difficult for me to turn to other men" Zahra said, rising from her seat.

Habibi gulped his saliva at Zahra's words. The Netra was still faithful looking at the woman who was now starting to turn around leaving her.

"I was curious. What kind of lucky man gets that love as sincere and deep as you," said Habibi stopped Zahra's steps.

Zahra turned to face Habibi who was now standing. He pulled both ends of his lips to create a smile that was so sweet, despite the fact that the eyes of the beautiful woman had been bathed by tears that were ready to slide at any time.

"You can ask yourself why I love him so much" Zahra said.

After saying that, Zahra turned back to leave Habibi who was still staring with a tinge of question adorning his mind, visible from a deep frown. Zahra also stepped towards the place of ablution of women because five minutes more adhan maghrib reverberated.

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