Secretly Loving You's

Ch 38 - Remove & Forget!!

But in fact, that answer was not what I imagined. It only consists of a few syllables, but it is able to overturn my world just like that.

"Oh, from Nadya huh?" Very relaxing answer. There was no look of surprise or guilt. It was as if receiving supplies from the woman was a very commonplace thing.

Alright. That's enough. I've found the answer. That woman is his wife. All I need to do now is get out of this room as soon as possible, before embarrassing myself.

Both my hands were shaking. Grip your hands tightly until your knuckles are bleached. Emotion rages. Race to get out and show self-existence. I held this mouth back from shouting and questioning his treatment all along.

You are strong, Arsha!! Turn around and get out of this room right now!!

"Then I say goodbye, sir." I bent my body and started to walk backwards.

"You're from BI?"

"Yes." Yeah."

"How many warheads?"

"I haven't counted yet."

"I'm sorry, your chat forgot to reply. I can't afford to."

"Yes sir, it's okay. Excuse me first ...."

"Where are you? Don't sit down yet?"

"There's still work unfinished. Excuse me, sir." Without waiting for a reply, I immediately turned around and opened the door. Get out of that room as fast as I can.

Tears have been shed. Prepare to spill like a flood. I was no longer able to contain it, so unconsciously this step took me to the bathroom. Open that door and lock it tightly. Self-impaired. Hiding from the faces I want to avoid.

Be ill. There's a big hole in this chest. Stuffy. Like a big rock hit. Bemoan. It was as if it had been hit by a heart-wrenching wedge of pain. I'm shattered.

I've been trying to hold him. Trying to be mediocre. However, when looking at his face, why did this pain feel so real? Is that how much I like him? Since when did this love develop into love and affection? Why does loving her hurt so much?

I smothered my mouth with my right hand. Prevent that stuffing from sounding out. While the left hand hit the chest that feels tight and sore. Why is it so painful? I feel broken inside and out. This is the first feeling I feel. I can't handle it. Can I heal and recover from this pain?

"Is there someone inside?" The woman's voice with the knock on the door interrupted my sadness. For a moment, the crying stopped. I could only be stunned, staring at the door knob that rotated many times.

"Hello? Is there someone inside?"

"Ah, yes. There's." The pain is delayed. I quickly wiped away the tears and snot that had splattered all over the face.

"Still long?"

"No-no Ma'am. It's over" I replied in a hurry. Even to feel sad, the universe does not allow it.

***

Ignore your pain. There will be a time and a place to go. Focus on the file strewn across your desk. Finish all your work. Try to go home on time. Go home to kosan. Door lock. And that's when, me time! Remove and vent all your pent-up anger and emotions!!

Based on that thought, I tried to ignore all this pain. I concentrate fully on work because the teledor is a little big risk.

There was a list of jobs waiting. Every time I finish, I tick it. Concentrating on work a little bit makes me forget the harsh reality.

I don't think the time has shown at five in the afternoon. All the work I have done. There is no difference in balance sheet or holding account. All warkat has been debited. So too with the payment. Everything is balanced.

Usually, the last job I do is to prepare the termination file for the next day. To retrieve the file requires approval from the official, namely Mr. Armand or Mr. Arif. Since my heart was not ready to meet him yet, I decided to skip the job. I can do that job the next day.

I started to tidy up the files on the desk and tidied them up. Take the bag and get ready to go home.

When I stepped towards the first floor, I deliberately ignored the tightly closed room. Let alone looking at the occupants, just looking at the room has made my heart ache. I gotta get out of here.

***

The emotion just spilled. The feeling of trying to be soaked for a few hours is now unstoppable. Angry, disappointed, heartbroken struggling into one.

So mean! Why give me hope that it will eventually blow over?! Why pay attention that can be misinterpreted?! Why treat me differently if I don't have any feelings? Are you really that kind of guy?! Who likes to express the feelings of women? Who likes to spread charm everywhere? Why are you so evil?!

Then, what did all your kindness mean all this time? Why do you help me when others can't? Why worry about me like I am the most important person in your life?! Why are you showing your true character just in front of me?! Whatdoes thatmean? Does all that mean nothing? Whyyy?!

Like a fool, I cried for Mr. Armand while looking at his picture. My heart hurts so much. Really sick. This lump of tightness filled the chest. The hope that had soared was now gone, no longer in effect.

The first guy I liked. The man who made me feel heart. The guy I thought had the same feeling. The man I thought would be my future priest no longer existed. All hope is gone. The beautiful delusions had faded away, like a bursting air bubble. The dream of living with her is no more.

It was my fault that I had put my hopes up too high. It was my fault for raising this feeling out of control. It was my fault for being too lena to make my own assumptions. It was my fault that I was naive. Dare to anchor the heart without knowing the background of the person you like. It's all my fault! My fault!

***

That night I spent weeping over my stupidity. After hours of sadness, the tears began to dry up. Slowly the brain and logic begin to take over.

If thought of in a nutshell, the man never once expressed his love or affection. He was always there when I needed him, but that's not because he liked me. Didn't I ever ask, why is it so good? And the answer is very simple, because of the responsibility.

I should have held fast to that answer. Supposedly, I didn't easily falter with all his attitude and attention. From the beginning he had given a boundary line. I was too sure of my own thinking and making assumptions. Mr. Armand is innocent.

Status issues for him? It was my fault too. I should have checked her status clearly before putting my heart on her. When thought of logically, it is impossible for an established, handsome man of mature age to be single, unless there are certain reasons. It was all my fault. Ironically, this is just one-sided love.

How hard my brain thinks, the answer always comes back to the same conclusion. Namely, back off and forget about it. The question is, can I forget it? How long does it take? How to protect the heart so that it does not hurt again? Should I just go? Resign for example?

***

Happy Reading 🥰