Between Love and Traditional Java
Whirlpool
The light of the sun penetrated the brown trellis made of wood, waking me up from my deep sleep. I opened my eyes, tried to wake up from my awakening, to end my dreams. I remembered something, Fariz's shadow always ruled me.
This afternoon, I promised to accompany her to Ari's grave. Unbeknownst to her, I took Lily's sister. I need to be at peace with my feelings. That I cannot impose my will. I told Lily's sister to back off, now I'm the one who got dumped. Who is evil ? I just want to fight for my love. But Brother Fariz, who said he wanted to try it with me, gave up first. I really don't understand this love. Am I playing with destiny?
If Ari's sister is willing to sacrifice her happiness for Lily's sister, maybe I can too. For if I insist there will be no happy heart. Although it is difficult, even though it hurts, I have to let it go, all can not be forced, may I be selfish, want it to feel like I tied it to myself and to my love.
What dayaku, the love of both of them is so strong that only a stranger, just a moment to come in his life, can not change anything because it has not long filled his days. I was only here to heal his wounds. When he was really exposed to guilt in his best friend. He just made me an outlet. I'm the one who got hurt here but he never understood it all the way. Then I can only accept because he made me fall in love. Me, sincere. Will my love for him.
I believe that something lost will be replaced. Allah is All-Knowing, Allah is All-Knowing, Allah is All-Knowing. Look evil brother Fariz, despite all that, he's the one who ever made me feel like flying, giving me the comfort of a home. A place where I can complain about my life. I love her so much that I can't hate her.
“Kak tomorrow come with me to Ari's sister naikara ya,” I chat kak Lily via whatsapp.
“Neither am I, Sister Fariz, there is something to be straightened out between us.”
“You mean? don't bring up old wounds,” sister Lily replied to me after seven minutes had passed.
“Not so, we have to meet face to face to clarify everything.”
Lily finally agreed. We agreed to meet at the flower shop, all buying flowers for Ari.
When Fariz and I arrived, Lily was waiting for us. Fariz's sister was surprised to see Lily's sister.
“No papa, I told sister Lily to come,” I explained.
In my heart full of disappointed restrained. I'm trying to unite the people I love with the people he loves. This is my love for him despite his hurt and disappointment. Maybe this is called I'm happy to see my loved ones happy too.
We walked to the pusara, not far from the flower shop, all of us put a motorbike in the flower shop. Silence, no one starts the conversation. We each walk. Wrestling with shadows in mind. Until the navel that began to be overgrown grass appeared in front of us.
“Ar, I'm sorry, I can't take it anymore. My feelings for Lily I can't stand anymore. Is it my fault like this, I beg our blessing,” Kak Fariz said softly.
Brother Faris rubbed his headstone slowly. The gravestone reads Ari Chandra Mahendra, who is beginning to wear out covered in dust, carrying a poignant story. I could not hold back my tears. How their friendship used to be I don't know. Just a few stories I know, the rest I'm just trying to understand.
Lily's sister was crying too, she couldn't see the reality. That his love would hurt this too. He loves Fariz, but his guilt is just as great.
“I'm sorry I'm also Dyana,” sister Lily rubbed my back.
I tried to smile with tears. I put Fariz's and Lily's hands together.
“Maybe this is a form of my love for you, brother, not always love should be the same. If your love can be happy, even if it's not with me, then I'm calm. Even if I force it, I will also get more injured.” I tried wisely to face myself who was actually painstakingly pretending to be tough for the time being. I try to be patient with this destiny. This is called love cannot be forced. Love does not know who it is, where it wants to dock, when it wants to stop, and with me love chooses to be present at the wrong time and the wrong conditions. From the beginning, he wasn't for me.
***
I finally told Fariz to take Lily's sister home. I relented. I got on the bus, went home. I don't want to go back to the dorm. I asked my coordinator for leave.
I looked out the window, dark silent only a few street lights were lit. Vehicles are not too crowded either. Bus passengers are just a few. I thought about a lot of things. At midnight, I arrived at my city terminal. I told my friend to pick me up.
“Pe, pick me up at terminal.” I chatted my friend.
He was my childhood friend. He was always there for me. From our Kindergarten classmates, to have to separate the secondary school. He chose a faith-based school, and I was accepted into a formal school. Until we both got a job, after graduating High School we still establish communication. Although I work in different cities, he sometimes took the time to visit me. If I'm on leave, he always plays at my house. He always took the time to come even if he just brought food.
I waited for him at a coffee shop near the terminal, until finally a fully modified motor beat stopped in front of the shop. I saw him come out straight away.
“Basic kecot, really long, sleepy me,” I wait for him from the long needle in the number 4 to stop at the number 11.
“Yes sorry, I was talking to the kids.” KDP is defending itself.
The KDP is an active person in the organization. Besides he has a motorcycle club that is usually touring out of town, he also volunteers at the IEA, Indonesian Escorting Ambulance. He is a friendly person. That's why I'm the same as him. He always knew how to comfort me.
That night I was swept away in silence. My mind that never subsides is very disturbing. The streets were quiet because it was past 12. Only a few vehicles were driving fast. My mood is really fucked. KDP stopped the bike, I got home, which I didn't want to stop by. I could find no comfort in my own home. Perhaps an inharmonious state became the trigger.
***
“Perhaps if Ari's brother is still alive, he will do the same with me, succumbing to love.” I muttered alone.
Until dawn I could not close my eyes. The voice of Adzan resonates melodiously. I take ablution water, I wash my face. I took Mukena and rushed to the mosque. I held a prayer rite and then performed the sunnah prayer first while waiting for iqomah. Is not the sunnah prayer before dawn better than the world and its content. Maybe this is God's way of getting closer to her. Not to rely on his creatures. Only God will help you from the worries and discomfort in your heart. I pray that everything will be replaced with something better. I pray that I find the right person.
