Between Love and Traditional Java

Trained Broken Heart

"Why God? Why do I have to go through this hassle," I cried with the pounding waves that swept to the shore.

Yes, I'm here, sitting quietly alone. To live such a difficult destiny. Broken by family, ignored by friends and destroyed by love. But I had to be forced to endure the situation with a smile that faded all the disappointment.

How can I trust a man, how can I open my heart again, if my first love story should be extinct, and I still consider it natural. But the second story and so on why should it also break up? Is that normal?

The first man I set an example for broke my heart for the first time. A father I am very proud of has left. It is so hard to open your heart to a man. Then when I tried it even though it took a long time, the happiness was only present temporarily, until I was finally broken again.

As much as I can be patient, pretend to be strong because I don't want to look weak in front of the people I love so much. I don't want to let her down even if it means I'm the one who's hurt. I always succumb to the happiness of others, and often forget my own happiness. I take care of someone's heart when it's also been thrown away.

I who broke home, must feel broken heart again, how is God? How can I open my heart to men? How can I believe that the love that comes back will no longer hurt. That when I decided to open my heart and accept a man, it meant that I had gathered as much courage as I could face. And I have to be disappointed again?

The wind that brushed my hair, waving the coolness in my skin, for a moment this place should feel beautiful, it should not be just a place to stay in the dazed. But I could not feel the beauty, only the turmoil that hit me.

The waves obscured my cries, butchering the whole questioning voice that flashed in my head, yet there was never a calming answer. The only visible flash is a broken memory in the past, a memory of sadness. Never have I had a pleasure that lasted long, as if I did not deserve to feel happy.

Is it that easy for God to give away a piece of memory? You are present in an uncalled bifurcation circle. Put me on two choices that have to make a decision right away. That forward means destroyed and backward even I have melted. Along with pain, disappointment, pain and not to mention the word to explain it.

"And you are a happy prologue, yet a wound-filled epilogue.." My heart says as tears fall. Like worrying the heart to choose to let go but difficult to forget.

Too many ellegies have already passed, can I hold on once more? My heart has been broken, it has been broken by my own beliefs and expectations. For he whom I suppose will fight, will not give up in the middle of the road. It turned out that it had already raised its hand and dropped the feeling to the bottom of the abyss. While I also could not put forward my selfish feelings.

Is this like destiny? Which I think does what I want but on the other hand maybe God has a new scenario. God gave us what we needed not what we wanted, but I needed him. Or is this the way God made me aware, to depend on his Creator not his creation?

My brain was discussing, thinking about all the possibilities. What next? What am I supposed to do next? I'm really broken again? Oh I don't know.I feel confused to explain it again, about what I experienced.

But I get it, I can't force anything that might not be for me. Maybe this breakup will be a new story even better. Maybe I can't be the last person in your love story. Which, however, I kept praying to God. May He bring us into peace.

I'm still sitting here, until dusk comes his complaint. Until night begins to replace the sun with the moon. I don't know if I'm reluctant to leave my place. Still wanting to calm myself in the dark silence. Enjoying solitude and tranquility.

Drrt.drt..

"I'm eating out, what do you want to bring?" I lied to her. I don't want to make Upil feel sad.

"Pick home, it's late" I just read Upil's message and went back to the dorm.

I accidentally got out of the dorm. I didn't tell anyone where to go. I intentionally requested a three-day leave. I wanted to calm myself down, not to work.

Without knowing the direction and purpose I just drove my bike. Following the flow of the road that does not know where, until finally after circling I decided to go to the beach. Not a lot of people, because it's not the weekend. Only one or two people came but not for long. I purposely walked to a quiet place. A place that no one would disturb. A place to stay just to be quiet. This time I was heartbroken.

****

A few days went by and it felt lonely without Danial. No reminder messages from him. There's no fighting. There was no such hoarse voice. We decided to set our hearts. Make a pause for a while, in order to recover the wound. Until we are ready to joke again even though the status is different.

Every time I passed the stairs down the store, I remembered him. That once he stood waiting for me down there. She smiled at him and impressed me. With a slow wave of one hand, I headed towards him. Then in his other hand was a white tulip that he hid behind his back, before he finally gave it to me. Flowers that symbolize the sanctity of love, petals that are closed and look simple, but beautiful to the eye. Then we join hands towards the parking lot, pass away and let go of allotment by work. Spend the rest of the day together before being separated by distance again. Now all these are memories.

"Yung, why the hell daydream here alone?" Upil patted my shoulder.

"I was just thinking about something," I turned to him who was taking a seat beside me.

"About?" Upil.

"Could it be Danial yung?" Upil.

"No papa, discuss the other yuk," as much as I can divert the conversation.

"I'm sorry yung, I can't do anything to help you, without this misunderstanding, you'll be even more disappointed, that knowing she left you in a state of love but couldn't be together, she said, at least in this way you can make an excuse to stay away from him, so that you realize he has changed, he does not believe in you anymore so do not want to share happiness with you" That's what Lutvi's heart thinks, Lutvi said, but that doesn't go along with Dyana's mind.

Lutvi thinks that having Danial share her story will raise suspicion and make Dyana feel that Danial is not open to her and does not believe her. But for Dyana maybe it's just because Danial has his privacy, not everything Danial does he has to know. Because Dyana values the privacy of people. Although a little disappointed because it was not as usual. A little disappointed that he is not the person invited to share his happiness completely. The little he hid had already put pain on. But still love him. What the heart feels it cannot control. All he knows is that he is just love. Unconditionally. No Reason.

Maybe it'll be a little possessive if I keep demanding he's next to me. Always calling. Always looking for what he does. Hence, I only accepted and tried to understand if he was hiding something from me. Because love cannot control what words in emotions and feelings. I want to hate, I can't. It's like he never had a bad track record in his heart. Although he hurt repeatedly.