To Mutia

Feel it yourself

Time passes quickly. Just know it's Sunday morning. Counting six days since Mutia demanded an explanation from Azril for the man's lies, Mutia no longer behaved the same towards Azril. The pregnant woman begins to limit herself and creates a wide distance. The reason is of course because he does not want Azril's feelings for him to grow and make Lamia hate him when she knows Azril keeps feelings for him.

"Tea,"

Mutia's call caught Lamia's attention. The twenty-seven-year-old woman stared at Mutia with one eyebrow raised.

"Sorry, it has disappointed and feels betrayed. But by Allah, Tea was never in my heart and mind to take away my husband. I am so thankful that God brought me to Teteh. A good woman who would support me regardless of my origin, my status and give me a job, a place to live and eat for free."

"I am a widow, Teh. Which is always looked at one eye by people, who are always stamped as lonely and less caressed women, who must be suspected because it has a large percentage to be the actor, who may also be considered inferior to a prostitute."

Mutia choked on the saliva as it held back the cry. His eyes were already reddened and adorned by clear crystals. While Lamia was staring fixedly at Mutia, there was a feeling of guilt as well as regret that was evident in the dark bead of the woman. Guilt and regret for hurting Mutia, both physical and heart. But after what he did, Mutia was still being nice to him.

How wicked I am. Feeling the truest myself, until I dare to judge Mutia. God, forgive me God.

"But I still know myself, Tea. While in a conscious state, I would never give anyone any pain, because I already felt for myself what it was like to be hurt." lowered her head, Mutia stared at her two hands that were clinging to her lap. The memory of Haikal taking Sonya to their home and confessing their affair as well as Sonya's pregnancy, goes back to her mind.

"Many say, before you hurt someone, feel the pain first, because it will make you more able to appreciate the feelings of others. And I. I applied that to my life, Tea. For I believe, what I believe, it will be. Every act must be accounted for and will be rewarded."

No longer able to hold back the tears that urged her to come out, Mutia finally let a single drop run down her cheek. But as if not enough, a drop of salty liquid was now turned into a patter and soaked Mutia's face. When Mutia looked at Lamia, the twenty-seven-year-old woman felt pity to see Mutia who looked so miserable.

"Mutias..."

"I just want to clear my good name before I leave this house. I don't want to leave a bad impression in Teteh's memory of me." Mutia.

"Go-away?" Lamia turned her back and immediately grabbed Mutia's hand for her to hold. "I didn't fire you, Mutia. Then why are you leaving?"

"After the events of that morning, my existence here must have made Teteh uncomfortable and worried that I was really snatching Teteh's husband." Mutia's lips turned on a small smile, which seemed bitter.

Lamia slowly released her grip on Mutia's hand, then turned away. No sound came out from between her lips, because what Mutia said was true. Every day Lamia was overshadowed by the fear that Azril would abandon her and vote with Mutia.

The silence of Lamia made Mutia look down, increasingly grievous smile. He had —intentionally— hurt Lamia and destroyed the woman's trust. So.. It was right that his decision to leave Lamia's house.

"Once again I'm sorry, Tea. And thank you, for the past few months Teteh has provided shelter for me from the heat and rain, given me good and healthy food, and treated me well. I don't know when I can repay Teteh's kindness." Mutia looked back at Lamia. This time the twenty-three-year-old woman commented on her heartfelt, warm smile.

"If one day we meet again, I hope that the anger of Teteh is gone."

Moving from sitting down, Mutia took her bag that she had prepared —she had prepared from far away the day— she hid behind the wall. Once again Mutia threw a smile at Lamia who had also stood up and looked at her in silence.

"I'm saying goodbye, Tea." Turned over, Mutia stepped slowly.

Right after descending the porch steps, Lamia called out to her, making Mutia instantly stop stepping and direct her attentions towards Lamia. A few seconds later Mutia received a warm hug from the woman she already considered her brother.

Mutia smiled. Creating a distance, then wiping away the drop of tears hanging in the corner of Lamia's eyes. "The text isn't wrong, so there's nothing I need to forgive."

"Then you don't have to go either."

Mutia's head shook slowly. "To heal wounds, we need time and distance. Therefore, I decided to leave so that Teteh could heal the wounds of the disappointment I gave."

"But where are you going? Didn't you say you didn't have anyone in Bali? And you're pregnant too."

Staring straight ahead, Mutia's gaze flashed, as her hands rubbed against her stomach. "Like fate brought me to Bali, fate is also what will lead me where I should go. But on the way, I'm sure I'll go back to finding good people like Teteh. So then... You don't have to worry about me."

...* * *...

In the past, when Mutia primary school was selected by his sports teacher to participate in the inter-school running competition. But before going up against students from other schools, Mutia must compete with the inter-class friends from her school to become the fastest. If he succeeds in defeating his friends, then he will be sent to the race to represent the school.

That day the sports teacher told them to go around the football field three times. Mutia is one of the fastest runners, proof that he can beat three competitors in two rounds. In the last round and remaining one rival, which Mutia remembers named Ira with shoulder-length curly hair, Mutia further accelerated her run to pursue Ira.

As he was about to pass through the thick grass that was around the goalpost, his heart told Mutia not to pass through the grass or something bad would happen. But when Ira saw running through the grass and she was fine, Mutia ignored her heart.

After passing through the thick grass, Mutia suddenly felt her running slow, her gaze unfocused and her body limp. But because she did not want to lose, Mutia kept running, until then her friend who was left behind shouted her name, asked her to stop and said her legs were badly injured. In that second also Mutia's steps stopped and he immediately sat down.

When the gym teacher came up to him and examined his legs, Mutia only felt pain. His eyes widened, but did not cry when he found a gaping wound on the back of his ankle. The wound was quite large, spitting out a lot of blood and even revealing the white veins that were there. Mutia even had a chance to touch the veins that poked, before the gym teacher took her to the hospital.

The wound left him with twelve stitches and a break at home for almost three weeks. Mutia could not walk, so she was forced to jump on one leg. But her grandmother forces Mutia to walk properly and move her legs, if she does not want to be handicapped for life.

Mutia was grateful now, because of her grandmother's compulsion Mutia could return to normal walking, although a stitch mark was still visible on her right ankle. And from that day on, Mutia never again ignored her heart.

But it seemed like this time, after all these years, Mutia began to doubt her heart. How not, when he saw a fancy restaurant from across the street, suddenly Mutia's heart said that he had to enter the restaurant. Not only the heart, the baby also conspired to urge him to eat grilled meat in a restaurant that could drain the contents of Mutia's wallet.

And now Mutia began to regret her decision. Because thirty minutes had passed, the food that was not at all filling his stomach had gone clean, but nothing happened.

People say that the heart is never wrong. This then? I followed my heart, eating in the restaurant that made my wallet scream, but nothing happened. Sometimes the heart is wrong.

Just as Mutia waved her hand, calling the waiter to ask for bill, someone patted her on the shoulder. When he looked at the owner of the hand, Mutia found a beautiful woman looking at him with a big smile.

"Ah..thank God I'm not wrong people. Mutia, we meet again." the beautiful woman said cheerfully.

Mutia frowned. "Sorry, who are you?"