ISTIKHARAH LOVE

Come back....

“Zahraaaa”

I opened the conversation, but Zahra just fell silent.

"If Zahra is not ready to strengthen it, it's okay not to force it, but Mas just want to say, zahra know? the knife wound when it was let stand will be like what??? Will widen and imprint, if not immediately treated it will be fatal. So also the feeling... if the middle hurt and let stand will eventually be bad. preferably zahra...”.

“zahra in matekankan” says zahra cut my talk

Instantly this heart was broken into pieces, but I did not want zahra to know it,

“in Matchup!!! “ I was a little stammered

Zahra lifted her head up into the sky and wiped her tears away, I gave her a chance to act.

“please...”.

“bapak match zahra ”

for a few seconds Zahra stopped her words, turned to look me in the eye, then lowered her head and continued

"with Mas Ihrom"

I saw her tears begin to drip.

“then why are you shedding tears?? “

“zahra does not love mas ihrom.. zahra only considers mas ihrom as brother zahra, no more..... but...”.

“every parent wants the best for his child, and maybe according to you, Ihrom is a man who is considered worthy to take care of zahra... and remember one thing that Love will come by itself without being invited, Love comes along with the frequent meeting with other people”

“it is not that easy mas.. forcing Love will not end beautifully. Zahra does not want later if mas Ihrom finds out that zahra married him just because of compulsion” he said as he looked into my eyes

I couldn't see Zahra crying, I had her tears, I held her cheeks and said.

“keterpaksan will not really be a bad thing if it was planned by the creator, it happens to be a scenario that has been prepared by God"

“zahra not sure mas.”

Zahra turned her eyes away from me while continuing her words.

“zahra wants to live side by side with someone who really loves because God is not because of someone's compulsion even though it's Mr. Zahra himself, Zahra is already big, is not a child anymore, he said, Zahra could have chosen, Zahra already knew which was good and which was bad for Zahra's life."

“The woman's character is to be chosen, not to choose" I said

"but not always in the way of arranged marriages, right??" tannya

I nodded my head and said

"if so what can be done, try to talk to the Father, tell what Zahra wants, if not yet can also, yes the only way, God... tell me how and what you should do, there is no point in you crying. There will only make your mind feel depressed.

“iyaaa mas it is indeed the best choice, zahra will try it”

“mas pray that zahra can be with a man who is really zahra loved, with anyone hopefully it is the best"

“zahra also hope so, thanks mas ”

“anything for you, then Mas pay to Kobong first, please calm your mind first and try to reflect back on”

I go and say hello.

“Assalamualaikum”

Zahra smiled again and answered my greetings.

“Waalaikumsalam”

I immediately ran to tell Ricky..

“Ky....” shouts me.

“Astagfirulloh... kenape lu tong???” ask Ricky

“zahra betrothed his father to Ihrom Ky...” I replied I gasped and tried to continue.

“gw how should Ky???”

“tenaaang... calm down, calm yourself first “.

“argghhhhhhh” I groaned like I wanted to throw a punching kick whatever I saw, I can't control myself, no matter what demon got into my body.... but it feels so hard to accept the reality.

Ricky kept trying to calm me down.

“joooo quiet jo... This is still early not late”

But I still rebel.

“joooooooo” clash Ricky a little resuscitate me

“lu tuh cemen, they just want to be in the unmarried soul mate jo..” explained Ricky.

“but Ky...” I still can't calm down.

“Jo.... jo..” while encouraging me to sit Ricky continued his words.

“Gw so doubtful Lo, lo it's Cowo what a girl Jo!! If you really love and love the same Zahra that. pursue, fight, proof if you are more entitled and worthy of a match with zahra than anyone else in this world.”

I just bowed while focusing everywhere.

Then the chanting of Adzan isya fully realized me.

“now you calm yourself first, while I want to go to the mosque first.. don't go anywhere you Jo.”

“iyaaa ky... really sorry yes Ky..”.

Ricky said nothing and left me.

Meanwhile I kept thinking how I was going, how should I put myself. I started to feel dizzy finally I decided to go out to walk down Pondok Pesantren.

When I went through the mosque, it was seen that all the worshippers had lined up neatly in their respective shafs.

I was stunned and looked at him.

That sight.....

That activity....

Sholawat's echoing chants.

The gurgling of the water brought me back to life.

I'm trying to figure it out..

I noticed that until the Isya prayer was over, the santri began to leave the mosque to immediately go to the rote room.

But somehow these tears trickled down, I imagined I could be one part of them, I muttered...

“andai me.... unfortunately it's too late, I'm too dirty, I've been too hypocritical, I've been too despicable, I'm not worthy to return. If I go back whether I'll be accepted” these tears keep dripping.

“ini is not too late.” the voice resuscitated me

I looked and....

“Pa’De...” I hugged him and vaporized all my cries. Then ask

“Will God forgive me?? Is god still willing to accept me Pade?”

Then pade whispered me.

“come back then you will know the answer”

I looked into his eyes and asked.

“i've been too bad to forgive, I've been too Hina”

Pade patted me on the shoulder and said.

“return..”.

“but I have to start where Pade is.”

“aku will guide you”

Pade led me to walk towards the deserted mosque.

That night I came back, though I knew it wasn't that easy, but I was sure God would understand me.

I returned to shahadah...

I'm back in Wudhu..

bow down, my tears even I bowed to him.

This feeling and atmosphere was so incredible.I never felt like this, throughout my prayers I was unceasingly shedding tears. After I was far away walking in the black alley I again found a bright light for a place to complain, a place to pour myself. let it be only as cool as it holds my tears, and let only I and Allah SWT know the cause of it all.

I hope it will continue this way until tomorrow, the day after tomorrow and forever.

That night I prayed, I repented, and for the umpteenth time I shed tears, maybe this is what people call ISLAM is beautiful.

These tears bear witness to my Hijrah.

Pade came up to me and said.

“Alloh very dear on nak Jhonatan.”.

“thank you Pade has guided me back..”.

Pade patted my shoulder.

“You are very lucky, many people out there who have already entered the dark path and never got a single speck of light, because they have already enjoyed the darkness.... “

Seen Pade Suryo wiped his tears and looks powerless to continue his words.

“but I am still afraid of Pade, I am afraid if I will fall back into the dark path, I am afraid I cannot keep the trust that Allah gave me.”

“remember... Alloh never leave his servant left alone stay how we can believe and believe that God is really with us. InsyaAlloh nak Jhonatan can keep this trust. Bismillah”

I nodded listening to him.

It didn't feel like we had two days left to stay here.

Time runs like a marathon, every second I can not guess, every minute is very curious.

Almost finished here I still have not got a bright spot about my love journey, maybe it will end happily or vice versa??

I don't know...