AmiKas

discussion of destiny

After the news was reported

There is a new silence

Accompanying

Every person who refuses.

I'm discussing fate

Which I did not see so much prediction

I told him

Why does he want it so much.

I discussed with tears

On a night full of crying

What the same thing doesn't want to happen

Even if it just happened.

 

...

Amis

I sat on the front porch of my house. The Universe played a recording of the dawn sound in the park. I still can't believe what dawn says about me that I shouldn't see. So easy was fate to make me invisible raka. I tried to calm down, set the sound of crying that almost sob. Without me knowing, the universe is crying. Tonight it rained so hard, without giving the aba\-aba wind or lightning. It completes my sadness.

“why beautiful mother's son?”

I immediately wiped away the tears that had dammed the river. But still, swollen eyes I can't hide from mom. Mother sat next to me, and held my wet hand for having to wipe away the tears. Mom looked at my hand and immediately saw the face I was bowing without daring to show.

“why do you cry son?, story to ibu”.

I cried again, couldn't stand the sadness of this becoming more and more so. I hugged my mother, who was still waiting for me to tell her about this cry.

“you must know and understand, God will not give trials beyond the ability of his own servant, I believe you can accept and pass this ordeal, you must be sure and excited. Mom and dad are there for you, amigeaku”.

Hearing mother's voice, tightened my embrace. My amygdala is playing back my memories with the raka and the dawn recording in the park. I still can't answer my mother because of the crying that still controls me.

“why my son? Let's go to mom”

Hearing mother's request, I let go of my embrace. I took a deep breath, and dared to look at my mother

“ya god, your eyes until swollen like this nak”

I smiled without the perfect lip curvature. I looked at my mother's eyes that were closing my eyes. I was made calm, not like before who sniffled. I began to be able to string together the words I would say to my mother

“i'm okay bu”

Mom smiled in disbelief as I spoke. I feel ashamed of the calmness that makes me ashamed to feel so strong in front of my mother who has passed my time now.

“taka da use you hide a single thing to the mother who has given birth to you nak”

I smiled when I heard what my mother said. How could I lie to my own feelings to the person who gave me birth to this world.

“sorry Ami ibu”

I hugged my mother again. Mother stroked my head covered in a black hijab. I miss times like this, but I don't like this reason.I talked to the amygdala who was still playing the dawn sound recording in the park. Looks like he wants me to tell mom about this.

“mother, I know not?”

“ya I don't know baby, your people haven't told you”

My mother laughed funny because I was acting like a child who was upset because I wanted something, but I was even more indulgent

“aah. mother.”.

Mom answered nothing, laughed and showed her face to my face. I kept quiet and said nothing. Mom's laughter began to disguise, and eventually she stopped from laughing which made me a little embarrassed.

“emang why Amigeaku, why? Let's tell mom”

I smiled shyly in response to the words of the mother who was like seducing a child. Mom pinched my nose because my behavior made me wait

“hehe, so gini my mother dear”

There are still jokes that I reply to. Now the amygdala is ready to play back the sound of dawn when it was in the park.

“said the dawn doctor who handles raka, it's good raka did not see me”

There was a pause that did not seem what the reason was, I commaed the next sound

“because, I was in pain twice when I saw me. It was very influential on the recovery of raka, because he said the heaviest memory that must be lost from the memory of the raka, the memory of ami. And that also makes the raka heavy to remember back about ami. Raka will definitely find it hard which makes her finally in pain upon seeing ami”.

There was one tear drop that I accidentally couldn't bear falling. Mother's eyes are so loving to look into my eyes that began to binary because of the puddle of water that began to gray in the clouds of my eyes.

“then you will not be present in the eyes of raka again?”

I nodded my head resignedly to the answer that was already at the tip of my tongue.I saw mother's pity for me, and now it had turned into a clear droplet that fell into the beautiful tub of mother. I can't bear to see my mother shed her tears just because of me. My hands immediately wiped my tears

”mom can't cry because of me, bu”

Mother nodded telling me about the concern for her son

“you must meet and establish a relationship with raka. anyhow that's how. I'm sure you can be a reason for raka cured”

“but how ma'am?, I don't want any more pain like that and yesterday”

There's a pausing coma between saying I'm with mom. Mom looked down. I followed the direction of mother. Mom soon resurrected her face to me

“what if you wear a mask or what when you meet raka?”

I shut up for a moment, thinking about mom's idea

“iya is also mom, but I have to wear a mask every time”

I was silent for a moment, mother did not wipe away any barriers

“what is this path from Allah for me to wear niqob bu?”

“you sure mi?, veil is not a toy!”

I was still silent, not answering what my mother said.

“how else bu?”

“better you isikharah”

I nodded and smiled at my agreement with my mother's opinion. I was silent, my mother was silent, I was still filled with questions about what had happened, about what I had felt, and about what I had to sacrifice.

“you already, now you sleep, later mom and dad wake you up in a third of the night, we set up evening prayers with ok”

I smile. Mother stroked my cheek, mother smiled, hypnotizing me to immediately return to the room to take a break from the day that had told the fate of the universe.

…

“ami, let's wake up at two in the morning”

I woke up from the sound I had just closed for a moment. I realized the sleepiness that still enveloped my eyes. Behind my mother's back I walked. My ears hear the chanting of the holy verse of the Qur’an accompanied by a melodious father. Mom finished taking the ablution water, I went in after mom came out of the bathroom. I have so longed for a third of the time tonight.I have not met my God in a third of the night, so arrogant of me.

Dad imitated me and my mother prayed tahajud. Arriving at the end of do’a, I kissed the back of the hands of father and mother, I kissed with love and hope that I felt from the back scent of the hands of mother and father. Finally the love form of my father and mother touched me, affixing a million hopes and support for me and my destiny. Both of them held this kiss for so long. I was in a slumber hoping, so that my parents did not go first than me, better I should go first from them.

“now you pray istikharah ya nak”

Dad was so calm with his advice for me to pray istikharah, maybe mom already told me about what I told you last night. I nodded my head at my father's advice.

“then, dad and mom stay ya”

I still nodded my head, there was not a single word that I breathed to answer my father, but I did not continue with a single word, I just stroked the mucus that covered my aura. Dad took mom out of my sight. Until finally there was only me in this place of prayer.

I say takbir to begin this Istikharah prayer.In the reading I dedicate to my creator, I slip the story I go through in every page of my diary. The tears still fell, I really\ was completely immersed in the weakness of a servant to his creator. Until the last prostration, I asked about the confusion I wanted to question to God. At the end of do’a, I also still had time to tell God

‘ O Allah, verily thou art omnipotent over all things. You must have known about what I went through and felt. I want me to be able to complete this ordeal about the better raka not seeing me, I am so heartless if I have to let him sleep from the forgetfulness of his memory, I want to be your intermediary for the healing of raka. I should how? If I had to be absent from Raka's sight, I'm not sure I could. I want to be always present in every face that meets him. Should I wear a veil? Or what is the best thing I can do and decide? I want you to answer me in the flower of sleep after this istikharah.and I ask for firmness for the answer you give, I beg”.

I closed my meeting with God with the sternness that I forced into silence. I am so relieved to have spoken these feelings and questions, thank God, for your care you have awakened me in the third of this evening.

…