A Poem To Dila

Without Dila's presence

"Will wait—” I said with a voice choked in my throat, but it seemed like my words were carried by the night wind. Dila continued to step away, as if not hearing my last cry.

Today, I felt such a profound loss. I fought my hardest to keep you from leaving, Dila. You should know how heavy my heart is when it comes to letting you go, but the universe has set its own destiny, choosing to take you away from my life.

Six months have passed since I got separated from you. However, I was still trapped in the darkness of the deep loss hole. The pain crept into my soul, haunting my every step. Every day, I felt a deep depression, unable to accept the fact that you were gone from my life. I can't forgive you for your passing, and I can't forget you.

This is where the change takes place, in the darkness that has been squeezing me. I began to close myself from Deni, who used to like nyeleneh and full of uniqueness. Now, I'm an isolated person, not wanting to share stories or socialize with anyone. My dark room became a loyal companion, and cigarette smoke filled the air that now felt thick.

Do you know why I changed in such a way? I can make sure whatever I do now is my last way to entertain myself. That whole thing is my life now, everything I do is really just so that I can escape from loneliness.

Cigarettes have been my antidote, even if only temporarily. The smoke that I sucked into my lungs, brought a little comfort in the pain I felt. In every breath, I hope to eliminate the stifling sense of loss. But I know, it's just a pseudo-illusion that can't fill the void in my soul.

My life is so fragile and empty. I seek false pleasure to fill the emptiness you leave behind. However, the deeper I set, the further apart I became from who I really was. I feel trapped in a dark circle, and I don't know how to get out of there.

However, today is the day that I decided to take control of my own life. Like I told you before, I'm gonna go on an adventure, see what I've never seen before. Although my adventure will not be as beautiful as Blue, but I will be the captain of my own ship, following the direction of the unexpected wind, until the end of my journey will be a reunion with you.

Go on an adventure, Dila, in your new world. I believe that fate will bring us back one day, in an unexpected place. Until then, I will live this life with passion and create a story I would never have imagined. Believe me, in my heart, love for you is still alive, even in the inevitable parting.

And with a steady pace, I entered this new chapter with renewed hope and courage. I don't know what I'm going to find on this journey, but I'm ready to find my true self, reassemble the pieces of a broken heart, and discover the meaning of a new life. Believe me, Dila, I won't forget you, but I have to move forward for myself.

We all have our reasons for starting the adventure. Some start because of heartbreak, some want to find their identity, some are looking for sustenance, and some are missing to see the beauty of mother earth. Whatever it is makes your desire to adventure a reason to move.

Do not move for many reasons.

Adventure does not require any hassle.

Enough of you, enough intention and enough money.

I am currently standing at Soekarno-Hatta international airport, a place filled with hustle and bustle. The noise of passengers, shifting suitcases, and long queues filled the air space. In the midst of this chaos, I felt such a deep void. And as Binta said, Airport is the saddest place ever built on earth, imagine how beautiful the earth would be without an airport? There will be no such thing as farewell.

I walked with lethargic steps towards the departure gate. After waiting for a few moments that felt like centuries, finally the plane door opened and I stepped in. On the plane, I looked at the white clouds that were layered in the sky, piled together like mountains. From the not-so-great windowpanes, I felt how close the sky was to my broken heart. Each cloud felt like a piece of wind-blown memory, reminding me of the inevitable parting.

When the plane landed at Lombok International Airport, I felt a tremor jolting my body. I got off the plane with heavy steps, carrying a backpack containing all my hopes and expectations. Step slowly towards the Jeep car that I have rented through the online application. A warm Lombok wind gust swept across my face, trying to drive away the little bit of sadness that was still left in my heart.

I walked with steady steps towards the Jeep parked across the airport road. Mas Toni, the car rental agent I had contacted through the Traveloka app, was waiting beside the car with a friendly smile on her face.

"This is with Toni's mas in Traveloka huh?" ask me while approaching him.

I gave my SIM and ID to Toni's mas with full confidence. "This SIM is the same KTP mas, can be checked first."

Mas Toni also took my SIM and ID card to check if this is real or fake. "For a while, I check first" said Mason Toni while focusing on his duties.

“Iya please.”

Mas Toni meticulously took my SIM and ID card, examining every detail carefully. While he was busy checking the authenticity of the documents, I waited patiently.

After a few minutes that felt like forever, Toni finished checking my SIM and ID. He returned the documents while giving a sincere smile. "Everything looks good, Deni. Here's the car keys. For other terms, as it says on the application."

I received the car keys with pleasure, feeling relief because everything was going well. "Thank you."

"Good driving, Deni mas. Keep safety on the way." said Toni politely before walking away and back to his place.

I got on that Jeep, turned the keys in the engine, and touched the accelerator carefully. The scorching sun hit the blue sky, creating long shadows along the way. The trip to Malimbu beach felt as if it was in a giant oven, where the wind gusts that hit my face only slightly lightened the stinging heat.

There are a million stories throughout the journey. Various sights adorn the surroundings, from the countryside with traditional houses lined up by the roadside, to the green fields that sway gently by the wind. I couldn't help but marvel at the natural beauty that lay before me, even though my heart was still overwhelmed with an unhealed sadness.

However, as longing and voidness began to pervade my mind, I paused for a moment at a minimarket plastered on the side of the road. My steps stopped in front of the shelves containing cold drinks and various types of cigarettes. Taking a bottle of mineral water and a pack of cigarettes became a ritual that distracted me for a moment from the grief that struck.

In the silence of the next trip, I turned on the tape in that Jeep car. The sound of music from the band Float floated softly from the car speakers, diving into every corner of my broken heart. The song "Temporary" fills the space of the vehicle, telling the deepest story of longing and separation.

As I drove down the lonely road, I opened the window of the car and the noon wind grabbed my hair, trying to drive away the inside. My hands trembled as I lit a cigarette, smoke flashed and carried away by the wind, implying the fragility and emptiness I felt within me.

In the stinging afternoon atmosphere, I continued driving, letting music and cigarette smoke be my loyal accompaniment on the way to Malimbu beach.

During the trip to Malimbu beach, my heart continues to be adrift on the shadow of Dila's face. Every kilometer I pass, every bend I press, just relive the sweet memories etched into my memory. I seemed to be swept away in delusion, where there was only Dila, a figure that complemented the beauty of my life.

When the Jeep finally entered the Malimbu beach gate, I immediately stopped the engine and got off the vehicle. My steps came to a halt in front of the car, while the sunlight stroked my face and the cool breeze gently rubbed my hair. In the quiet silence of the beach, I held the bottle of mineral water trembling, trying to calm down for a moment.

The sun that radiated warmth in the middle of the silence of the beach, was not comparable to the warmth I felt when I was near Dila. However, the stunning natural scenery in front of me was able to bring a hint of relief in my heart of grief. I observed the breaking waves on the beach, the white sand that spread wide, and the blue sky that greeted with its beauty.

In deep silence, I sat in front of the car, breathing the fresh air of the beach, while letting memories and longings flow in every gust of wind. In my heart, I wish I could bring you here Dila.

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