A Poem To Dila

Prologues

I am not Dilan who can express her heart blatantly. It was not Dilan who when on the road to school she was fortune-telling Milea, or when she liked to bravely come to the house to send letters and call as if it was easy. I am I, who can only love you in secret. I dare not approach you because I am too afraid, because when I approach you you even more away and avoid.

For you I have admired for many years.

I wrote this in the corner of my room while facing the monitor and looking at the photo of the two of us at High School, while inhaling a cigarette that I held between my index and middle fingers. And for some reason, in the present moment I remember you and a lot of things about my high school days. About your friends, about your teacher and about you. I want to go back to that time, a time where I was with exciting friends, and a time when we were in class where I could see you almost every day.

There may be many things I wish to say, but I cannot because I am not brave enough to express them. So I write here, as an impingement on what has been in my heart for many years. Maybe this is the best way to be poured rather than buried which will only cause acne stones on my face that are not too handsome.

I am your admirer who often makes up a story in my imagination to entertain himself, as if we were the happiest couple in my imagination. And it became a wish in me to be able to make me feel fine. I've always loved making up stories about you and myself, where I played mc/the main caracter and you are the heroine where we are always together in completing anything and that ends in Happy Ending, but yes it is the version of you that is in my imagination.

Since when do I admire you? About the time I entered High School on the first day of orientation maybe that was the beginning of my feelings for you. At that time you were quite a prima donna, being a student who looks and is famous in school, no wonder that many students like you including me. Unlike me who may be invisible because I am a nobody and have nothing. I was just a student who was mediocre at that time with standard and sometimes below average achievements.

It has now entered its seventh year and I am still faithfully a fan of yours. For me everything about you is the most delicious thing for me to digest, the fun discussion that makes me enthusiastic is endless.

Oh yes, it was also the last time we met four years ago precisely when we were classed to hold Buka Together at Villa si Hilma. You recall? I sat from far away, joking with friends, then I secretly stole your sight whether you saw me or not back then. What was clear at that time was that I noticed how you blinked, and how you spoke slowly and then closed your mouth when you laughed. So when the photo is together I will try to find a way how I can stand next to you and so that we are both.

Speaking of photos together, we used to take pictures together yes even though it was the only photo I was with you for seven years I knew you, but I still keep it with me, she said, I hope that one day I can give you that photo and you can keep that photo because the only real memories are the photos of us both back then.

Thank you for being the reason that you have become the reason where a boring school becomes beautiful with your smile, if one day we meet I will express my long-buried feelings to you.

About your heart for whom it is none of my business. It is clear in my heart that you are. I don't ask for this feeling to be reciprocated. But if your heart melts later, I will be responsible for it. My feelings for you cannot be disturbed. Unless you have the same feelings. Please gladly take my heart. Sorry about you, I'm selfish. Without permission I've put you in the heart. Be careful who knows if you will fall in love.

One time, a person can win your heart without doing anything, he just becomes himself then you fall in love. Other times you win someone's heart without any effort, you just shut up and he's impressed. Life is a collection of events beyond desire.

There are some questions in my head that I have not found the answers to, and one of them is the answer to the question of why I love you so deeply. Some people say that one grows a thousand dead, but why can't a thousand people come in your place.

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