A Poem To Dila

Graduations

Arriving at the building, my eyes were fixed on all the students of my class who had gathered there. My heart rippled with the sight of familiar faces that had been together for so many years. I rushed with the other children, gathered in the parking lot of the building while waiting for the arrival of all my friends.

However, my gaze instantly focused on Dila who arrived. My heart is racing, wanting to get to him and share this special moment with him. However, Hendrik quickly held back my steps, stopping me halfway.

“Lu where to ege?”

“Cua to go there first.” I answered while releasing Hendrik's hand.

“Bentarlah we also want to go there, with aja.”

I obeyed Hendrik's words not to go. “Iya yes.”

After waiting for fifteen minutes of enthusiasm, we finally decided to enter the building as the event was about to begin. I looked for a seat according to my absentee number and found my seat next to Dicky's. However, Dila had to sit a bit away from me because our seats were separated by Elis and Dicky.

When I was sitting in my place, my eyes could not escape from Dila who was sitting near Elis. An unstoppable disappointment enveloped my heart because of the distance that separated us. However, Dila gently greeted me by extending her hand.

I felt my heart beating at that moment. Without hesitation, I stood up and stepped towards Dila's seat. I want to be close to him, close to him in this moment of separation. I said words of praise to her, while praising her beauty in kebaya. “You are so beautiful Dil pack kebaya.”

Dila smiled and laughed a little. “Please, you also if you wear a suit like a kayak people.”

Shortly after we entered the building, the atmosphere warmed up with the start of the event. I sat back in my place next to Dicky, my heart filled with mixed feelings that were difficult to express.

The host excitedly started the event with an opening speech. One by one our class of students are called forward to give farewell greetings to the teachers who have accompanied us so far. Finally, my turn came. My heart thumped as I advanced forward, giving a full greeting and deep gratitude to the teachers. They are people who will never be forgotten in my journey.

After finishing giving farewell greetings, the event continued with the band's performance accompanying the atmosphere with stomping music. Other exhibits also enliven the event, creating memorable moments for all of us. Finally, Windy recited a beautiful poem, describing pent-up feelings and describing an indescribable farewell with words.

After the formal event ended, the atmosphere in the building became boisterous with excitement and novelty. Some children were busy posing together to capture our final moments as a compact force, while others were silent in silence, perhaps contemplating the memories that had been created.

I, who wanted to meet Dila, started to look for her presence among the crowd of children. I scoured every corner of the building, hoping to find it. However, despite searching here and there, I did not manage to find him. Finally, I decided to ask Windi and Jey who were chatting next door.

“Win you see Dila no?”

“Again cave, don't see him.”

“If you are Jey?”

Jey taunted. “Cie... What do you want to do with Dila?”

I just laughed when I heard Jey's words. “Content?”

“It looks like he went to the toilet.”

I walked to the toilet. “Still.”

“Eh... uh... uh.. where are you going?” Jey shouted while holding my hand.

“You to the toilet lah.”

“The toilet is under the building!” pointing down the building.

“Where is this cave going?”

“Lu mah it wants to go to the front of the building.”

“Who said?” I said as I went around Jey and Windi and went to the toilet downstairs of the building.

“Hadeh this child is-there aja.” while holding his head.

Arriving in the toilet I can not enter because there is a girl's toilet if I enter, which there is even me who thumped the girls in the room. And so I decided to wait for him outside, I waited for him for about 15 minutes but Dila did not come out too, from a distance I saw Elis who seemed to want to go to the toilet as well.

“Lis-lis cave mau—” I said but was cut by it.

“Truly cave already kebelet, uh mean cave kebelet.” while pushing me and directly into the toilet without hearing my words.

I waited for her to come out for five minutes and after a long wait, I waited for Elis to come out too.

“Ngapain you're silent here? want to see the girls here, right? is the mode you look the same cave, cave sayin the same others yes so that you are in the same gebukin people who are here.” He said without giving me the slightest chance to speak.

“No! Crazy cave to look at the girls who are here. From the cave ngintip mending cave enter aja nanggung-nanggung right?” while walking to enter the toilet.

“No also time.” Elis pulled me and hit me.

“Ya end of cave has not said anything you have done first like a motorbike there is no brake.” I said as I walked with Elis up the building.

“Iya-iya sorryin cave, oh yes you want what to go to the girls toilet?”

“Gua there again waiting for Dila, uh you see he is not?”

“Si Dila? she is the same Aida is also outside again the photos as well.”

I walked away from Elis. “Greed of the cave from earlier waiting for him in front of the door toilet pantes aja he did not come out.”

“Eh you go where?”

“Where my heart is happy.” I shouted and ran to the front of the building

“Hadeh this child.”

Hey Dila, where are you? I cried in my heart with a unanimous determination to express pent-up feelings. I can't wait to tell her how I feel today, yesterday and tomorrow.

My steps moved quickly out of the building, my eyes glancing left and right looking for Dila's figure. When I was finally outside, my heart immediately rippled to see him. There, he stood majestically, as the living and alluring work of the Lord.

The sun seems to play a part in the dramatization of this moment, its soft light touching Dila's face, giving extra beauty to each curve. Her dazzling smile made my heart tremble and my love deepened.

The clear sky emitted a golden radiance, as if giving my blessing on my steadfast steps towards Dila. I approached her with mixed feelings between nervousness and haru. This is the moment I've been waiting for.

In the stillness and beauty of the witnessing nature, I stepped steadily towards Dila, the shining beauty. My heart rate tightened, and precious seconds passed slowly as my presence drew closer.

I wait for this moment after three years have passed, allow me to express it as you once said before, “Better to be expressed even though the answer is painful than to settle it and finally regret.”

“Di.. la—” I who walked up to him and tried to call his name suddenly fell silent, fixated on the scene in front of me. Another person approached her with a ikat flower and gave it to Dila. And yes, that person was Dila's boyfriend Julita told me about, who always called Dila when we were at Villa yesterday. I looked at the two of them with a broken heart, feeling that the determination I had just set was broken into pieces, and like him it was no longer any use to express this feeling.

With heavy steps, I turned around leaving Dila standing in front of the building, my heart filled with unspoken disappointment and pain. I chose to go to the back of the building alone, looking for solitude that could help ease the anxiety within me. There, I saw Hendrik and the kids who were smoking. While approaching them, I took one cigarette from Hendrik's pack of cigarettes.

“Oi ege, you want what?” Hendrik asked in astonishment when he saw me take a cigarette out of the pack. I didn't return his words, just smiled while staring blankly into the distance.

“Not you smoke, Den?” Hendrik asked again, trying to find an understanding of my unusual actions.

“Anying, cave in cuekin.” Said Hendrik in an annoyed tone, who saw me leaving after taking his cigarette.

I continued my steps with a heavy heart, entering the building that was again filled with the boisterous crowds. I saw Dila and her boyfriend taking pictures together near the door of the building, but I chose to look at them for a while without looking at him. I continued walking towards the lower floor of the building, towards an empty room located near the toilet.

In that quiet room, I sought tranquility in the void of my heart. I lit the cigarette I held tightly, even though I felt stuffy and tormented at the time. However, this cigarette became a momentary escape that gave me a bit of peace of mind. While cigarette smoke filled the room, I tried to forget all the feelings and thoughts that haunted my mind, at least for a moment.

However, behind the cigarette smoke and bitterness on my lips, a sense of disappointment and loss remained in my heart. I couldn't really forget Dila, but I chose to bury her in the solitude and sadness that I felt right now.

“Kear you sampe kayak gini? Want to smoke to lose your mind? You are not a smoker!” Snapping the Stars with a voice full of affirmation.

While wiping the blood flowing from my cheek, I said in a cold tone, “Go you, the cave again does not want to talk to anyone now.”

However, the Star pulled my shirt collar roughly. “Until when do you want to be like this? You gave up on Dapetin Dila? You gave up after all this? COWARD LU?”

“Please hand lu.” I said in a cold tone.

However, the Star persisted, she looked at me with eyes full of anger. “Listen to the cave! If you do not dare to express your feelings to Dila, you will continue this way!”

“GUA SAYS TAKE OFF YOUR HANDS, MOTHERFUCKER!” I cried with anger, the burning frustration within me filled my punch that landed on his face.

The star slammed backwards as a result of my punch. However, he remained steadfast and stood up again. “Your coward, your kayak person who can not be honest with his feelings do not pantes dapetin Dila, you are just a stupid guy who wants your own ego, you know, people who just talk a lot like you don't pantes exist in Dila's life.” The star tried to provoke with all its insults to me.

I ran towards the Star and hit her face back hard. “ANJING LU.”

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FEELINGS, MOTHERFUCKER? KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT DILA? KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? ***T.” While continuing to hit the face of the Star until battered, and the Star only received my punch without dodging.

With a burning rage, I continued my attacks nonstop. My punch after punch struck at full force, filling the room with a deafening pounding sound. The Star's face grew increasingly scarred, wounds that formed a trail of undeniable destruction.

But, just as I was ready to hit the Star for the last time, suddenly the Star held my punch with her right hand. His scarred and blood-soaked face described an unstoppable pain, yet his eyes still looked at me with great courage. “It's precisely because of your friend's cave, so the cave knows everything.” He said with a trembling voice.

For a moment, those seconds became silent. Our breaths both sounded heavy, describing the physical exhaustion and emotional burden we felt. His gaze and his hand that was still holding my punch carried a complicated feeling within me. How deep our friendship was, and how difficult it was for me to express my pent-up feelings.

In that silence, I broke away from the grasp of the Star slowly. My body trembled, but no longer out of anger. Guilt began to creep in, biting at my grim heart.

With my head still feeling heavy, I let out a long sigh. My heart and mind are in chaos, trapped in a never-ending maze of feelings. “Gua already confused same feeling cave.” I muttered in a voice full of despair. “When you can be confident that Dila will cave dapetin, and immediately the universe broke the confidence of the cave.”

Suddenly, the Star pushed my body violently, making me fall on the cold floor. The pain was all over my body, but I couldn't move. My physical strength was drained away by the surging waves of emotions.

In a state of injury and lying on the floor, the Star began to retaliate my blows viciously. His hard fist smashed into my body many times, leaving traces of destruction in my flushed skin.

“Sound well!” exclaim the Stars with a voice full of disappointment. “Cua know how big you feel Dila, but your mistake is quite fatal according to the cave. Your mistake? You didn't dare to be honest about your heart all this time as Dila. Maybe all this time Dila also has the same feeling as you, but the difference is she is a girl. How could a girl talk to a guy first, right? Back then it should have been you as a guy who reduced your selfish sense!” Said the Star while stopping hitting me and stood up to light his cigarette and then sucked it to calm his mind.

In a state of pain and destruction, I contemplated the words of the Star that pierced my heart. Regrets and regrets fill the vacuum inside me, building awareness of unforgivable mistakes. I lay on the floor, feeling the haunting void and despair that surrounded the wounded soul.

Wounded and shrouded in despair, I could only lie on the cold floor, letting the words of the Star gush into me. His sharp and tactful voice penetrated into this broken heart. “Now your choice is only two?” Ask in a serious tone. “First, you must reveal your feelings now, even though your chances of being rejected are 100%, but after that your heart can be relieved. And secondly, you can demystify your feelings, give time to Dila so that she can live life as she wants, and up to you she herself. After that, you can express your feelings as well as him because your chances of being accepted from 0% can be 25%. Why didn't the cave say it was half or 50%? Because there are some influencing factors, such as you are an old person in Dila's life, but one day you return, you will become a new person in his life.”

I contemplated the words of the Star with great constancy, while his hand thrust out, offering his help to help me stand up. Slowly, I grabbed her hand, letting the warmth permeate this crumbling body. With a small smile, I replied with sincere determination. “It looks like the cave already has a choice of cave.”

The stars looked at me expectantly and curiously. “What's your choice?”

Steadily, I replied, the almost fragile voice of my heart sounded resolute. “Gua will be waiting for him.”

The star nodded in understanding, realizing the importance of that decision to me. “Not bad choice also.” He said with an understanding smile.

As I stood with the help of the Stars, my steps were filled with new hope. I don't know what will happen in the future, but at least, I've set a course that I will go in with confidence and patience.

“It looks like you from the past will not be able to win, every fight is the same cave.” Say the Star while supporting me walking towards the top of the building.

I just smiled as I wiped the dripping blood with my handkerchief. “Yes, the cave will not win if the fight is the same you.”

Me and Bintang went to the top of the building there like his show was over and I also saw Dila who was still with her boyfriend. Suddenly, Windi, who saw our wounded condition, approached us quickly. His face was full of worry as he looked at us who had just arrived on top of the building.

Lu both abis why, habisa fight ya?” Said Windi in an anxious voice, holding me and the Stars to descend to the lower floor.

“Eh... Uh... Uh... We're going to the top.” Saying the Stars to Windi.

“Lu want to go up in this situation? Which even makes a scene. Go to the toilet first, later the cave bring P3Knya.” Windi said in a tense tone, leaving us for a moment to pick up the P3K box.

We went to the toilet, a quiet and quiet place. There, we cleaned our dirty faces with blood and wounds that lay on our skin. After a while, Windi returned with a P3K box.

“Lu both abis ngapain si, sampe kayak gini?” Windi asked with a worried look on his face.

“We just fell down the stairs, kept on the stairs.” Said the Star while trying to explain, although his face was in pain from the Betadine treatment that Windi had dripped onto the open wound next to his lips.

The star whimpered in pain as Windi treated his injuries in a slight rush. “Aduh... Ouch... Slowly.” Pinta Star.

“Lu kayak gini aja sick.” Windi said as he shifted to my side after finishing treating the Star wounds, then started treating the wounds on my face.

“This must be the culprit of your problem huh, Den? It's not weird, you sure?” Windi asked the question in a suspicious tone.

I just smiled faintly, trying to cover up the pain that was engulfing my body. “Nothing kok.” I answered softly, clenching my lips to endure the pain.

“Lu saw that Dila sama—” Windi was about to continue his words, but Bintang quickly closed his mouth with his hands, gesturing for Windi to be quiet.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. “Iya, Dila clay cave with others.”

Without saying any more words, I moved to leave Windi and the Stars. My steps were heavy, but I did not want to burden him with my presence. I know that right now, I can't do anything.

“Still yes.” I said in a soft voice, continuing on my own journey.

The star tried to chase after me, but Windi clasped his hand tightly. “Lu where to go?” Windi asked, trying to hold back the Star.

“For now, the cave cannot leave the boy alone.” I replied firmly, while looking at the Star with a sincere look.

Windi finally let go of his grasp, understanding that I needed time for myself. “Ya already, yes Yes.” Windi said.

I continued my steps, exiting the building that held so many memories. The star caught up with me, accompanying my heavy steps. Both of us, in a shrouded silence, stepped away from a life of unanswered answers.

No words were spoken between us. Only the steps sounded, like the twang of a sad farewell. Now, I must seek the strength within myself to accept reality and find my own way, despite all the doubts and despair that fill my heart.

After exiting the building, Bintang and I were immediately chased by Hendrik and the others. They wanted us both to take photos together as a memento.

Hendrik looked at my scarred face and wondered in astonishment, “Your two faces why? Falling from the building?”

I smiled wryly, looking for an excuse to hide the truth. “Cast of the cave fell from the stairs, continue the crucifixion of its ladder.”

Hendrik shook his head, not caring much about it. “Gua doesn't care, here you both spit. It's not complete if you're both not in this photo.”

Me and the Stars followed them, standing among the carefree friends. One by one votes count, “1... 2... 3...” And that's when photos are taken, capturing moments that might otherwise be forgotten in the future.

After finishing the picture, the Star approached me carefully. “Lu want to go back to who?”

I looked around, looking for answers that weren't easy. Until finally, in a weak voice, I replied, “Each of you again.”

Stars nodded. “Ya already, come back.” He said, parking his bike, showing his willingness to drive me home.

We crossed a quiet road. In my heart, there is a mixed feeling between loss and hope. However, I knew that these steps were part of my process of finding myself and looking for the answers I had been looking for.

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