Mother to My Son

enough with the heart ?

This afternoon I went back to Jakarta. Mama provides moral support by whispering will always pray for happiness while with Dad because still in the office I only say goodbye by phone, he promised to look to Jakarta if off, he said, rich little boy just dengukin think me.

Leaving home to return to Jakarta will be like fighting, struggling to survive in a new family. It feels different struggle with working in the office used to feel not as heavy as now, if in the office there are coworkers who can direct and help the work, but struggling in this new household, but struggling in this new home, like getting into a boat that has sailed in the middle of the ocean, when others already know how to row me who is still confused how to row it.

“Why smile-smile yourself” Mas Reza immediately suspicious seeing me who is as comfortable as a smile is not clear.

“Engga just think of myself again in this marriage” answered me, I lyrics Maura who has fallen asleep in the back seat. He's rich I didn't have 5 minutes in the car to sleep so soundly.

“If marriage is like analogous to wading through the ocean and married couples rowing with”

“If their single couple started paddling the boat since from the dock, well I was fate to enter the boat just in the middle of the sea”

“I still don't know how to paddle on this boat, I just hold on so I don't drown aja”

“Sometimes I like ngeliatin Mas Reza join ngedayung together ..hehe but Mas Reza just squirm me as a balancing boat aja.. so that the boat does not weigh next”.

“Hahaha..miris terribly I” I laugh sad but funny, Mas Reza just silent.

“Mbak Mitha has drowned, did not survive in this boat, Mas Reza needs me to be able to balance the boat and the children did not drown”

“I would have said earlier that I can not live without you, yesterday I can not sleep, at home feels lonely” Mas Reza immediately downplayed.

“Hahaha yes can not live without me because I managed to balance the boat, originally Mas Reza must balance the left and right sides alone, now with the presence of me can calm down, because, can sit on the boat not worry about sinking”

“Can work to the office do not worry think of Maura and Rain, home can be taken care of well”

“Yesterday I was wrong to think with all the attitudes and touches that Mas Reza did, I thought it was considered a partner, but until now I was just a balancer course”

“I told you I just needed time”

“It is fate that I must enter and sit on this boat.. Like Mas Reza used to tell a story about the prediction of the hand line if my destiny line is very strong… it turns out that I was destined to be able to be a counterweight after Mbak Mitha went”

“If this is indeed the boat God has laid out for me to climb, I will try to survive in my own way, but because this boat belongs to Mas Reza, I will try to survive in my own way, so inevitably I will go where this boat goes, until I believe that we are heading in the same direction” I look at a man who looks serious through the heat of the day in the city of Bandung.

“And from now on I will not expect anything, will not expect that Mas Reza has seen me as a partner, I just want to stay so that I can be a good counterweight. Will no longer expect much in humans so as not to be disappointed”.

“Don’t worry I am not the type of person who likes to melow yellow. Happiness is not sought but created, who creates yes myself, do not expect happiness from others. We were born alone and died also by ourselves” Mas Reza still silently did not respond to my words.

“Udah is just that, so don't worry if I'll get back and go home like yesterday. I will be able to be happy in my own way.including now I want to sleep sleep sleep sleepy” said I while starting to take a sleeping position.

“Oya just Mas Reza do not over time ngeliatin sinking because if there will be someone who will make sure I cross using a speedboat do not blame if I know I have moved...hehehehe” connects me while wrapping around the shoulder that feels cold by the AC air in the car.

“You will never be able to move to a speedboat, the boat you boarded with me is a yacht” he replied ketus.

“Titanic is also a cruise ship Mas.

“I just ask Hasna time, give me time to be able to forget all the guilt so I can see you better”.

“Iya I know.. It's just frankly difficult to be with people whose minds and hearts I don't know because when I went into that room, I just realized that I didn't know Mas Reza…. In the future I just want a mastiin if I do not waste my time the same person I should not accompany” I said I did not get any response from him. I ended up sleeping for the rest of the trip.

And that was the last conversation we had as adults. The following days were daily activities at home, applying for college and finding a school for Maura. Everything was going normally, Mas Reza seemed to try to keep his distance no longer doing the mode to hug or do other activities. Maybe he realized he didn't want to make me hope again like yesterday, before he himself was sure of his feelings.

My closeness to the kids is getting fun, like finding a new friend who is smaller and can be frowned upon. Sometimes I feel like this if I have a sister. With Rain I had friends to discuss about fashion and makeup, and with Maura I had a little doll that would obey whatever I asked her to do.

It's just that sometimes they like to fight for my attention, like tonight when Maura wants to be accompanied to make a playdough. The rain insisted that I accompany her to put on the new I had bought her because she had finished juz 20. He's been wanting to wear the cutlet for a long time, but I always forbid it because it would get in the way when he prayed. Until finally yesterday she got her period and tonight she's asking for an appointment to put me to sex.

“Buna, I'll just ask to put on me for a while not long, from earlier make playdough continue the same ade”

“Iya for a while if the playdough is not stirred properly later even so chapped is not good result” I try to talk well. This child is indeed impatient if there is a desire, from since magrib continues to whine to want to wear kute on the feet. Even though tomorrow's school day how if his socks are checked by his teacher, will definitely be punished for wearing kuteks.

I tried to make a playdough from food so that it was not dangerous to be played by Maura, but geez, her brother was not very impatient.

“Bunaaa .. I want to do this task, playdough can be executed later, I hunt sleepy” and he returns whining.

“Kaka ngerjain PR first later after PR finished new we use kuteks in kaki” said while menyabarkan, this again his sister even continue to spill the dye so that it becomes disheveled.

“If I put it on later I hunted drowsiness, even to sleep so the result is ugly ..aahhhh how sih” and back this lightning child forced while slamming his PR book.

“So why the hell is impatient, Buna will also try cepet make playdoughnya..patient or Buna hands are only two... don't get angry that ah ugly” said in a higher tone, hearing her slamming books pisses me off.

“Bunaaa does not love me…. Unfortunately just the same adeee…. Braaaaak” she threw a book and then quietly flung aside the closet and cried by slapping her head between her legs.

Seeing that I felt like a dejavu, why did I feel like I had seen a child who cried sadly on the side of the closet by slapping his legs like that.

“Raa.. rainaaa….. Rainaa” said me slowly like the call of Mbak Mitha to Rain who tried to reach it. Why else would this sad feeling appear again.

“Rainaa.. don't cry like that….. Poor Mami Mitha will cry again seeing you cry like that” I so cry why it feels like repeating the dream again but I can touch this child now.

The rain looked at me in confusion, its face filled with tears.

“Buunaa to.why call me Raina.. only mami likes to call me that..” he said while continuing to cry.

“You why cry all...why do you always cry there…. Later you make Mami Mitha cry again see you cry like that.” I said while wiping tears.

“You used to cry in the closet…. It's in that corner by the side of the closet to cover the same curtains…. Why are you crying there yourself..” I pointed to the corner of the closet that is now filled with bookshelves.

“Buna knows where I cried from there. long ago when Mami died...whaaaaaaa” and the lightning boy came back crying loudly while hugging me, I finally became sadder and cried a mouthful with him.

Maura looked puzzled to see us both crying, she came closer and her eyes were already welled up with tears.

“Bunaaaaaa napaaaaa naniiis…. Mola nda will play peydoh.kaka aja play with Bunaaa” apparently she feels guilty feeling her brother crying because of her.

“Nothing Buna forgot to want the same story Brother Rain..if Buna had met Mami Mitha in dream” I said while hugging these two girls.

“Buna met Mami how, mami what story?” The rain looked at me as a result of crying. I wiped the tears in his eyes, this child was already grown, already different from the child I saw crying in a dream

“Buna dreamed 3 times with Mami Mitha, the first Buna saw Mami Mitha playing with you guys in the park, Maura was still a baby carried by Mami and Kaka was already as big as Maura now”

“But when mommy died I was class 5 SD aaa-aaku already big” Rain replied while hustling.

“Gak know but maybe in the memory of Mami Mitha kaka remembered at the age of Maura now, the second dream Buna could see closer and Buna boarded the boat, Mami gives the baby Maura to be taken by Buna, Mami trus look for kaka and chase Buna to bring Kaka”

“Buna remembers what Mami said to Buna... “Please Raina…. Help Raina while encouraging Kaka to take Buna to get on the boat.Buna brought kaka into the sling when Buna had to take the boat and hold two children, but the boat could slide and leave Mami Mitha on the shores of” I was trying to remember that dream.

“Why Mami did not participate in the boat” Rain looked at me expectantly, the mind of her little boy fulfilled the hope of being together with his mother.

“Perhaps because Mami Mitha's age only reached there Ka… the boat may be what separates you to continue living in the world and Mami Mitha is already in the realm of immortality”

“Molaaa ga tau Mami Mitha” Maura looked at me with her innocent gaze. Duhh this rich heart mellos sad to hear it. I hugged this big baby I love.

“But Mami Mitha tau Maura because Maura will be in the stomach of Mami for 9 months, eating bribed with Mami stomach, hugged with Mami so that Mauranya warm”, I said while hugging koala children.

“But what makes Buna sure to be your mother is the third dream that makes Buna always sad to remember her”

“Bun..buna is still dreaming againiii.”...sroookks...Rain has started to stop crying but his snot is still sliding on his nose.

“That third dream that Buna saw again now.you cried near the closet... but in the corner there...you cry yourself ..whyaaaa” said me while shedding tears.

“Buna in a dream sees Mami Mitha crying and trying to hold you but can not.. she keeps calling kaka….Rainaaaa.but Mami can't hold Kaka…. Why do you cry there by yourself” I said while returning to shed tears.

“Mami squirms me nangiiiis…. Buna.. Mami squirms at me. Why don't I see Mami holding me…. Whaaaa…. Mami has not moved.I wobble but Mami does not flutter Bunaaaaa…. Mami her eyes brushed the dead rich…. I called Mami but Mami diem ajaaaaaa….. Why can't Mami see me but I don't see Mami…. Bunaaaa...whaaaaaa” Rain came back crying while hugging me. Apparently it was the moment he saw Mbak Mitha falling unconscious in his room, maybe then Mama Mitha had fallen into a coma.

“Why are you hiding behind a closet?” I was sad to remember him hiding behind a closet and sobbing.

“I was afraid to see Mami rich dead people. and it turns out that Mami is indeed matiiiiii.

“If aaaakuu returns home sooner Mamiii will not die…. Bunaaaaa whaaa” says this boy harbors guilt.

“Ahhhh Iakaang not because Kaka... Mami is no longer sick... not because Kaka .. Kaka not wrong anything...” Owhhh Yes Allah this child keeps guilt in his heart for years.

Mas Reza entered in a hurry and was confused to see we were crying three times.

“Kenapaaa...what is this..why winiss” he looks confused looking at us.

“Papiiiiii….. I can't see Mamiiiii….. I do not knowuuuuu..whaaaaaa” Rain ran towards Mas Reza and cried in his arms.

I can only cry…. Unimaginable feelings of a child who had to see his mother die before his eyes…. What a great kid.

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Edition of the flood of tears again occurred. heheheh said the problem is must be told not to ferociously child lightning... I've been busy with a lot of work. Who is patient well.if patient and kind later given double up.hehehehhehe thanks for encouraging comments to write I am very happy if the writing is encouraging and inspiring. I hope we can all inspire each other... Love u all

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