Married to My Own Gus

what is this

I want to change, but the more I want to change something that seems wrong, why there is a soul struggling, as if he does not want and willing. If if I change, maybe that's what lust says, the more I want to do good, the more it always feels like shackling, the more I want to chase, the more I want to pursue, then the feeling grew louder and chased me.

I just want to feel peace and comfort here, with a lot of people, but they're not my friends, there's nothing I consider a friend, even he's always been there. When I get hit by a disaster or whatever it is. Humanity is the only one willing to accept all my shortcomings and ugliness, all the mistakes and stupidities I have always done.

It may be true said people, if being good it takes seriousness and determination, let alone turning into a good person, hard gaess, very difficult.

"What's it you, lan" Wulan gave me brown bread, but I refused it. Although I'm actually very hungry.

"I am a friend who will always be there for you, I will always make sure of that" I can always see that sincerity emerging from Wulan's eyes.

"Udahlah.I do not want to have friends. Especially friends like you" I try to avoid my happiness because Wulan wants to be a friend and friend to me. But I'm just afraid, there's a never-believing feeling that always comes to me against other people.

"trust". I can see the smile of sincerity that always shows every time he talks.

"Why should I trust you?!". I'm still curious about Wulan.

"There's nothing. I just want you to know, what you got now is better, I feel like you're luckier than I am. Why do we have to stay like this"

Maybe Wulan's intention is good, he wants me to change better, I am always troublemaking in this Nurul Huda boarding school, although always. I will be the victim of my own bad behavior.

Everyone who is lucky is someone who does not have many friends, but the lucky person who has few friends, but can accept all the mistakes and stupidities made.

I should be happy to have Wulan. He who calls me his best friend, not shy to always remind and advise me, even though I always think he's chatty, he's still persistent to invite me to change better

I want to change for myself not for anyone else, not for Wulan or Dad.

Honestly, I find it hard to start all of that from scratch. I want to change, but why is my heart not open yet.

"No need to babble, Lan!". I was really confused by this one being sitting next to me. He never got tired and was determined to remind and advise me.

That direction can always come to the right person and the time that has been determined. Not just because of the coercion that I thought never happened.

I also miss the old me, who was relaxed, although I could not be a memorizer of the Qur'an, at least I have the desire to always teach every day.

"A sincere person loves and accepts your shortcomings" I wanted to expel Wulan from my presence, but I had started to feel sorry for him.

The money you send is never much, just enough to rent a food stall, the rest is very little I collect to buy goods, I rarely can buy snacks or just buy candy, I can eat enough and I feel very happy.

I never complained, if Dad never visited me, gave me very little money, either because he did not have money or it was all the football he did to make me red

Maybe there's a time I can change, like everyone else wants me to, but I don't think this time. And I don't know exactly when that time will come.

The disappointment that I had felt so much, the pain of all the fantasies I wanted ended up in vain and only left wounds and disappointment.

"Eat it.You must eat, to be always healthy and not faint" Wulan teased me and handed me the chocolate sandwich.

"Thank you" I took the bread out of Wulan's hands, though I honestly didn't hesitate to look at it, there was a sense of shame and confusion with my own thinking.

"I'm leaving...Eat up!". Wulan

"Go away, from earlier told to go do not want" I spoke slowly but I deliberately so that Wulan heard what I said and wanted.

I saw Wulan leaving me, when all I saw was his back why there was a feeling of regret that perched in my heart, a feeling of regret for wasting Wulan, such a very good friend.

The sky that had looked so bright, the breeze accompanied and increasingly made a restful nap for the Santri wati, Every time they go home from school and after the dzuhur prayer together, they are given a little rest before entering the Ashar prayer time, but there is also Santri wati who uses his time to learn, memorize, and remember, or just a disaster with other friends.

But the atmosphere instantly changed instantly. The sky that was once bright Suddenly dark and dense cloudy immediately, there was thunder and lightning struck, it seemed to be going to rain like that my heart accepted the reality of my life, the sky that had been bright, the sky that was, it turns into complete darkness, only Allah is able to change everything.

"Ma'af ukhti, it's good to all enter their respective rooms, this rain has been very dangerous, sparkle and lightning as if sea-breathing attack, seems to be going on for a long time". There was a senior Santri Wati who broke into my dreams, in the left palig corner of the mushollah.

"All right." I stood up and ran straight through the rain.

Ever since I started the role of pretending to be a good santri, the diligent worshiper in the front row, who always acted pretentious, and rama towards everyone, since then my hanging out has also changed, too, if I used to prefer daydreaming in front of my room alone, if now I am more often alone in Mushollah, indeed in many ways I just pretend, but to me being alone in Mushollah was more fun. It feels good, calmer, more peaceful.

The distance between Mushollah and my room is not far, only one room apart. There is a special room next to the Mushollah that is provided specifically for the Santri wati who can memorize the Qur'an. In each room there is a roof so never exposed to rain or heat.

I ran to my room, I was so afraid of this rain, moreover there was no santri in the mosque, all went to their rooms.

when I got to my room, there was something that made me uncomfortable.

"This grandfather" Wulan spoke while giving me some warm tea.

"What'an si..lan, I don't want to. Don't be so good with me, I don't like".why he's always so nice, I really don't like.

"I drank myself"

"Well, have a drink, you bought it, right?!".

"I bought two, intentionally one for me. The other one I bought for you, so that the hangta. earlier I memorized the task of Farah Ustadzah, saw the cloud I immediately bought this warm tea, and remember you. If you don't want it already".wulan is amazingly good.

I'm not happy with all the goodness of Wulan, honestly I haven't been able to be sincere and feel comfortable who is actually here, I'd rather be alone, I'm happy, I'm just pretending that I'm not in the law, that's all, not because I've changed. I'm not here because I want to, I don't want to stay here for long and I'm very worried that any good Wulan will make me want to stay here, really want to change, I don't want that to happen, I still want to get out of here.