Charm Babysitter

Contraceptive Tool

Sellas

"What does all this mean, Sella?" the porch put down a piece of paper. The name of a hospital that I often visit to check my body and Vano's health. The information on this piece of paper made me stare.

"I didn't believe you were doing this at first, so I had to prove it myself" she was so disappointed to look at me. The lines of his face that were beginning to age were clearly wrinkled over his forehead.

"Sorry Mother" feelings of guilt and also regret enveloped the peace of my soul. His usual gaze full of warmth now changed full of disappointment.

My hand squeezing the edge of my shirt carried a sense of regret within me. I have betrayed the trust of someone I consider to be my real mother. I had also disappointed a future grandmother who was waiting for her granddaughter to be present but my stupidity had prevented her future grandchildren from being present in my womb.

I was too naive with my inappropriate thoughts, I used contraceptives to prevent pregnancy from the beginning of my marriage, I wanted to organize my heart until this heart was sure and firmly anchored in its place.

"Explain Sella" she scolded in a voice so disappointed.

"Because I don't want to hurt my son in the future" this is probably the most cliche-sounding excuse for others. But not for me, living with one of my parents traumatized me.

"You mean?"

"I didn't love Vano at the time, I didn't want the baby to come without the love of her parents. And I'm afraid that someday this marriage, I can't afford it, I don't want my son to be the victim of his family's incompatibility."

"Is Vano for these three years incapable of making you happy?" her question was so worried, the times she was disappointed with me still tucked away her worry for me.

How I was so insensitive to her feelings all this time who was always waiting for her future granddaughter. Should it be the time of the question about, am I already pregnant?, are there any signs of pregnancy?, or when she sends health vitamins for fertility. I should have come to my senses and released this contraceptive device that was embedded in my body.

I shook my head quickly, my eyes were filled with guilt. Vano is a good man to me, he accepts me for who I am, he loves me so sincerely. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve all that. Because I can't get back his attention.

"Not so, Vano has always made me happy, he has given me so much affection and love. But this heart has not yet shaken to accept it, Bun"

"What do you mean?"

"Yes-yes, I haven't loved her, but-but that used to be." I replied half-confidently. The comfort and calmness around her is probably one of the forms of love I understand for myself. Whether this perception is wrong or right, I just convinced myself that I was in love with Vano.

"I'm afraid this heart is still weak and young tempted by other men, so I don't want my son to come into this world not because of the love of his parents but because of just obligations"

"I'm sorry, Mother, I've let go. The doctor said I'm healthy and fertile, I'm getting pregnant in the near future because the contraceptive I took off a month ago".

"Alright, I forgive you on one condition"

"What is Mother"

"If you don't get pregnant in a few years, you should let your husband get married again"

"But Mother"

"I have consulted Mother, and the Doctor has also examined my uterus in a healthy and fertile state."

"Prove it! And fulfill my terms"

"Well Mother, if I can't afford to give this family any offspring, I'll find another companion for Vano myself."

"Don't tell Vano about this, he'll probably be more disappointed than I am" my mother-in-law warned.

"Good Mother, and thank you for understanding Mother"

"I'm really disappointed and angry with you, Sella, but I understand it for your reasons. I also understand because your Father and Mother's story traumatized you."

"But this time enough you've made a mistake of this magnitude, you've cheated and betrayed us, Sella."

***

It's been almost three years of my agreement with Mother, she hasn't sued for three years. Especially since Dio was present in our lives, but my father-in-law's condition reminded them that they need direct descendants from his bloodline.

My last call yesterday made me realize that they were not demanding, but they wanted my understanding and my ad to allow Vano to remarry. I promised him that I would qualify and find a candidate for Vano myself.

Almost six years of our marriage, and three years of using contraception, now almost three years also I wait for the presence of a baby figure in my womb, but not yet present. With my little suspicion regarding my physical condition, I did my own test without Vano who usually always accompanied and supported me.

Yes, there is a problem in my womb, not because of the cause of contraception, but because my unhealthy lifestyle makes it difficult for me to get a child even through the medium of a baby tube.

Whereas last year I was declared healthy and fertile, but why now when I so desire I must accept this harsh reality. Yes maybe this is my karma, pain and disappointment maybe this is what my mother-in-law felt first.

***

We were in our hotel room after spending the rest of our last vacation at the beach.

Vano kept quiet, sitting alone in front of the lighted television with a minimal noise in his hearing.

Allin was giving her breast milk that had been pumped and she put it into a milk bottle on Dio. I've forbidden him to do that, he's young, I don't want his body shape to be damaged for giving Asi to Dio. But the girl wanted to keep the honor out of the eyes of the man outside, she did that only when she wanted to go outside.

Moreover, our last holiday destination was to the beach, it was a crowded place that would be difficult to find a nursing room. Allin has prepared some ASI in some bottles that are stored in special containers.

Allin in my eyes is a girl who is innocent, who acts like it and a little careless, she is a girl who just released her normal adolescence all her attitude still feels unstable. But I like him, when he keeps his eyes on the opposite sex sometimes he is polite and sometimes he is also rude to every man who bullies him including Vano. I don't consider her brash but a defensive shield as a woman.

Photo sheets came out of the printing press, pictures of our holiday last afternoon at the beach. The three of them looked so complete and perfect. There was a father there, there was also a mother and son who smiled cheerfully. Their expressions are so loose as family actually refers to all feelings of happiness, anxiety, funny, and also upset.

Vano never showed me all those expressions, with me he looked more careful, with me he was like bound and unfree.