The Gun In My Hand's

Chapters 28. I'm Not Entirely Me

Armstrong's Mension, Newcastle (Tyle and Wear), UK - 08.28 am.

"Since when?"

"You seriously asked me that?! I didn't even touch her, I just kept her on my duty. Nothing happened all this time before you came with all your suspicions asking this ridiculous question!"

Dereck rested his hair in complete frustration in front of me. Two possibilities that justify all his frustration, lying by pretending not to know or he does not realize it.

"Nothing is different from Elisha, he is still the same. But I'm not sure if you think it's the same or not. I don't blame you if you have something for him, but you have to remember the limits. I've never been this angry when it comes to something, even just for a woman. You know how much of a bastard I am, I never thought anyone meant more than Cla－"

"No! Enough, I'll hit you if you continue!"

"Make things clearer if you want them, there's nothing left between us and I don't have anything for－"

Dereck hit me in the face. I felt fresh blood coming out from the tear wound on the corner of my lips.

"You don't want to have it, you son of a bitch! I know that, I know it."

I who was still sitting down because of his punch was again forced to stand with his firm grip on the collar of my shirt. His face flushed with chest that rose and fell as it held back anger.

"I can't give Dereck what he wants. And... He's not enough for me. Everything he's got isn't enough to－"

"Dereck! Shit, what are you doing."

My words were cut off by the screeches of Elisha who had just come out of the mension and found me in the clutches of Dereck.

Elisha pushed Dereck's body away from me. He held the side of my face and rubbed the blood that was at the corner of my lips. I kissed that hand while looking at her worried eyes.

He was always charming under any circumstances.

"I'm fine, Princess."

Elisha was still with his chatter as if scolding us who were childish. Without reducing her frustration, she walked towards the car and reluctantly cared for us.

Meanwhile, with a smile that still expands I walked over to Dereck and did not hesitate to give him the same blow.

"Quite breakeven, right? I have to remind you a little bit how many times I saved your life and there's no good reason for that blow. At least you managed to throw it right."

I grinned at him and turned around as Elisha got into the car. Don't forget I glanced behind my back before saying, "Stand, Dude. Do I have to hold you in front of my girlfriend? You've got to take us away."

...***...

One hour later's...

"Earbj ..."

I don't know why waiting in silence here is so boring. Elisha was so serious about his work and the deheman I did for the umpteenth time was still ignored. I didn't know that work could take Elisha so far from the real world. He was so focused and not bothered by what I was doing.

The Deheman I was doing was getting louder and making him stop ignoring me.

"I'm sorry, I'm so focused on my job that I forget you."

I don't know why Elisha's tone spoke stiffly. And he might lie if he forgets where I am here. On the other hand, I was indeed watching him set up a strange expression and perhaps slightly forgot what I had just worried about him. He may look a bit. I'm well aware of that.

"Yes, I guess I'm forgotten ... You're so different when you're really working. And it looks like my existence will be a little intrusive here."

Yeah, I shouldn't have said that when he was focused on his job. That might make him uncomfortable. But I continued to say it and it seemed like I was making him feel uncomfortable.

"No ... Really, I just ... This is how it is when it is serious."

For some reason she was so hard to explain, I felt her mood that she might not be okay. Was he still thinking about what had previously happened in the elevator? 

I finally got up from my seat and approached her. But Elisha looked so strange, he was in a hurry to turn off his computer.

"Russia ... Am I making you uncomfortable?"

Yes I caught his discomfort. From the beginning I didn't want to talk about something so profound with him. But my question led to a conversation I didn't like.

Elisha did not answer my question. As I approached her desk, she immediately turned and took quick steps towards my previous seat. Did I go back to making mistakes? I know something's wrong with Elisha.

With an awkward state, I sat back down and placed myself near her. Just as I was sitting next to him, he immediately pointed at me with a frontal question.

"Leon, what kind of relationship do you want to have with me?"

I was a little confused by him suddenly asking that question. That made me ask again, "What is this thing you really want to ask?" He paused for a moment before answering my question.

"I don't have a clue what we can talk about actually. From last night I just－not even from the beginning I want to ask if we are indeed in a relationship that we both think of?"

I grunt. Yeah, I really did. I didn't know he'd think about it too much. Can't we just go through this relationship without questioning the annoying thing.

"What when I say I love you isn't enough to explain everything?"

Of course that statement sounds dubious to me and I'm not questioning that part.

"No, it's not like that. I just thought there was something missing in this relationship. Something that should be filled if we open up to each other."

I think the twitching on my forehead started to appear and subconsciously my tone started to taper.

"What do you mean?"

I didn't mean it that way, but I was so uncomfortable with the word 'open' he meant. For me it's too heavy, too many things I keep and never reveal. And I'm still comfortable with keeping everything to myself. 

"Leon ..."

He drew closer trying to reach me. But his attitude makes me reflect away, I don't mean to refuse him, but that's what I always do when I feel uncomfortable.

"Don't push me away." He seemed very surprised by what I said, frankly I felt the same way.

"Did I do it?"

I dare not answer his question. I was confused with Elisha and myself. I admit that at first I did not want to bring my relationship with Elisha to be a very emotional relationship, not do not want to but I think it was not the time. I still have to think of the right way to explain to Elisha one by one and I don't like it when he's been demanding me too far.

My mind came to a halt when Elisha said with excitement.

"Aware or not you're the one who pushed me away with an attitude of withdrawing from me! You didn't tell me anything about you, I never even got an answer to why you always leave me all of a sudden. Don't you think I need your explanation?!"

I'm restoring my hair that isn't even messy, putting me in frustration.

"I've always strived for this relationship without you knowing Elisha. Please don't ask me anything more complicated because knowing you're okay is enough for me. Wouldn't I go too far if I wanted the same thing. You're too childish to just go through this."

I said something I should have thought of first. I'm sure Elisha will be angry instantly, but what I get is his silent self staring at my face. He even set his facial expression and showed nothing.

Everything is saved when a knock on his office door sounds and Kyle appears behind it.

"Am I interrupting?"

As Kyle appeared, Elisha immediately stood up and replied, "No. Not at all. Can you wait for me in Kyle's meeting room? I'll catch up for a while before I finish my business."

"Yes, we'll discuss everything after this. Can you wait?"

Elisha cut off whatever Kyle wanted to say. The awkwardness still surrounds this room and I think Kyle feels it too. He was silent before coming back out and saying nothing.

Instantly I saw the look on Elisha's face that was not interested in talking to me. He immediately went back to my desk and brought anything he could roughly bring to the boardroom.

"I think it'll be a long time. You can go home first. Dereck will wait for me to finish as usual."

I don't like what he's saying. Does he think I'm leaving him? After all, why would he choose someone else waiting for him over me. I think he's really upset with me.

He hasn't looked me in the face since Kyle came. I finally took the initiative to keep her out of this room and said, "Elisa, I know you're not okay. Say it!"

"Leon, I'm going to a meeting. We can talk about this another time. You see, Kyle has come and is waiting for me."

I did not move a bit from before him. He decided to pass me by, but I blocked his hand and made the files almost fall.

"Leon! Please give me some time for other business. It doesn't have to be about you and your world. I've understood enough of what you want."

"Elisa, I don't want to go. I'm not okay right now either."

He closed his eyes for a moment and said, "Leon, did you see that I was okay after talking to you? You don't give me space, Leon. You shut yourself up and just let a little for me. If you want everything to go well, then keep that word in your heart and mind as well."

Elisha left me soon after. I think I should give Elisha some time and think about what he wants. All I have in mind right now is, 'How do I open myself up to Elisha?'

'Can I?'

'Will Elisha accept me?'

'Is he going to be okay with me and my past?'

'Is he going to stay away?'

But all I thought about was unsuccessful in making me withdraw from the fact that I was too selfish towards Elisha. Maybe this will be on the list of statements that I will reveal later to him.

Despite the burden of those thoughts, I decided to refocus on the present moment. Yes, I had stuck a chip in Elisha's shirt just to find out that he was okay without me.

Through the chip connected to my phone, I could hear the voices of Elisa and Kyle in the room there.

'So ... What's up? Why did you call me? I see there's nothing we're planning together anytime soon.'

Yeah, from what Kyle said, I knew Elisha was lying about his job. I think he just wants to get away from me.

'Yes ... I thought I needed someone to make me think straight.'

I poked my forehead while listening to their conversation.

'That's right, Elisha! You called me just for that? Come on, I still have a lot of work at my place Elisa.'

'All right, all right, sorry. I .. I just need a friend to talk to. I'm confused with myself, and I'm confused to face .. You know I kinda .. how I say it.'

What Elisha really wanted to say. I think Kyle there was also confused about what Elisha was trying to say.

'Elisa, just say it. Do you want to talk about your girlfriend?'

I don't know why I instantly look like a fool by scratching my nape that doesn't itch at all. What about Elisha down there? Does he still look awkward too when others see us as lovers? I guess yes.

'Well, how else. I don't know how to go through this...'

There was a long pause before Elisha continued, 'You know who it is?'

'Seriously, you ask that?! Of course I know, from the very beginning you introduced me to Leon, I knew you'd give up on him. Not to mention from last night you were excited to meet that bastard. And what else is this, you called me just to ask how to live this shitty relationship of yours. Geez, Princess, even you are so out of date for a young person your age.'

I think Kyle said that while shaking his head, and of course it made me a little angry.

'What's wrong, you're the one who made me fall like a stupid woman who acted like she didn't know anything. Ah, how could I have liked an insensitive man before.'

I think Elisa's really telling the truth from her mind about Kyle and she's answering, 'Hey, who told you to like me. You're the only one who's fascinated by men like me. Just try to get you out of your cave, surely you will know how to seduce men and not confine yourself to your business lessons.'

The talk they had made me rather jealous of their closeness.

'What kind of woman do you think I am?! I'm an honorable woman, where might I do such a lowly thing.'

 'Stop ... Why are we arguing, you're wasting my time with your bullshit. Then I'll go'

'All right, I'm sorry. You're the one who sucks pisses me off.'

'You're as annoying as I am, Elisha.'

My frustration is already on top of my head. Patience Leon, you have to hold back your anger. Elisa and Kyle are just friends and there's no way more. Elisha just loves you. Yeah, I have to be sure of that.

Back I listened to their talk, 'I think Leon pulled away from me, Kyle. He always dodged when I started talking about his seriousness in this relationship.'

'Is it really like that?! Elisa, has she hurt you by acting like an asshole?'

You, this bastard. Does he consider me a trash man?

'No. .. It's not all Kyle, I just feel Leon is less emotionally connected to me.'

Oh, Dear. How can you think like that?

'Elisa, why are you saying that. I clearly see that he is very protective of you. Eyes cannot lie Elisha. I see him loving you so much.'

'Yeah, I think he did too. But I mean, he's not very open with me. We were just struggling with the talk about me, and he never told me about it. I know he has a past, that even I know from others. And when I found out I was a little bit of a problem. I. I just don't want to know everything from other people that leads to a fight back.'

I was silent about what Elisha said. I shut myself so close, even to my woman. My head was hit very hard at what Elisha said. And what Kyle said afterwards came back to me.

'Elisa, I think she needs some time to open up. You know if for a long time someone harbors things that are very unwilling to even be said, then do not expect that person will tell it quickly.'

All I need is time to be at peace with myself.

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...TO BE CONTINUED...

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