Loving Or Loved?

28. Chocolate Cover Book

Qiana sat down lethargic after hearing Tyo's story. I don't know, he's too dizzy to think about this red thread in his life.

Qiana POV

My tears just kept wetting my cheeks, drenched in this guilt in my heart. It turns out that Setya pretended to be fine in front of me by harboring her feelings for me while I was? I, after the incident felt the most hurt, I just realized that Setya did was only a form of impingement because he knew that the woman he loved had a taste for his own twin brother. If his emotions and mine were stable, it might not end up like this. God, I really feel guilty. This should have been discussed well 8 and a half years ago.

I was on my way to Mama Dewi's house with Dafa who kept holding me tight and wiping away the tears on my cheeks, Bang Reza after driving me to see Tyo at the hospital he immediately went to pick up his wife and son at his in-laws' house.

“Nda, angis-angis agi, Dafa adi sad,” Dafa said while wiping my tears.

“Iya dear, sorry mother yes today for Dafa sad because mother crying continues,” I said trying to smile in front of Dafa. I hugged the tiny body trying to strengthen myself for my son, so as not to be sad because of me.

“Anji yes nda, nda Dafa want to call dad can?” Ask Dafa to me by looking his head up at me. I nodded and I took out my phone and called Mas Akbar.

“Assalamualaikum Qiana what is it?”Ask Mas Akbar over there.

“Wa’alaitumtalam Father, this is Dafa,” Dafa said with a smile fluffy on his tiny lips.

“Oh.. hotshot Daddy the phone. What's up Son, do you miss your dad?” Mas Akbar said I only frowned, not usually Mas Akbar to be this relaxed. Usually the attitude is always formal or as rigid as it is.

“Dad, Dafa Hindu. But Dafa ndak bica met Dad, Nda in here agi csadih, angis teyus,” Dafa said to complain to his Dad.

“Daddy also misses Dafa. Why Mother crying continues Nak, what is naughty Dafa to Mother?” Ask Mas Akbar.

“Ndak dad, Dafa ndak christmas. Said Grandma Dewi nda angisin Om Tetya who already purgi jauuuhhh angett, Dafa so just bica play tama Om Tyo.”It was the Dafa that made me think of Setya again.

“What does Nak mean? Where did Setya go?. Qi...Qiana what happened to Setya?” Ask Mas Akbar who was confused by Dafa's babble.

I remember not telling Mas Akbar at all after arriving in Surabaya, especially since the twins accident. I took a deep breath before finally answering a question from Mas Akbar.

“Actually yesterday the twins accident Mas, after home Qiana. Tyo is now still being treated at the Hospital, while Setya...em..hiks...dia..hiks....has passed away Mas,” My words with a cry that escaped again just like that, the tiny hand wiped away the tears on my cheek and hugged me tightly.

“Innalillahi wa’innaillaihiroji’un, I'm sorry about this news. May Setya have the best place with Allah and be buried and accepted by all his devotions. You're okay, aren't you Qia?” Asked Mas Akbar with a worried tone.

“Aamiin..Qia, fine Mas. It's just that there's something new Qiana knows after Setya's departure that makes Qia feel guilty to Setya,” My words somehow I want to tell Mas Akbar more. I saw that I had entered the housing of Mama Dewi.

“Mas, sorry I'm getting off the taxi. I close first huh?”I asked, but suddenly a tiny hand took the HP I was holding.

“Dad tini yes, accompany or tama Nda dini,” Say Dafa, maybe Dafa has missed Mas Akbar.

I footed my foot in the yard of Mama Dewi's house, the house I used to visit when I was in High School. There was Papa Gito waiting at the main door, then drove me to the room Setya occupied for the rest of his life. Lucky Dafa is now sleeping, I lay the tiny body on the mattress belonging to Setya. I looked at every corner of his room, my eyes fixed on our photos during High School. I was reminded of my purpose here which was the brown cover book that Tyo said this morning.

“Lacinya locked, where does Setya keep the key?” I muttered as I searched for the key to the drawer in front of me. Then I accidentally saw the key behind a pile of books.

Crutches.crek..

“Alhamdulillah can be opened,” I said softly.

I looked at the book, my heart rippled. There are so many secrets that Setya hides from me, from Tyo and maybe from others as well to keep our feelings in check, I thought.

***

July 25, 2009

Today, the first day Tyo and I went to high school. Many new things I met, including admiration for the woman who was in class with me. He is so nice, mature, and looks so friendly. But it is not easy to blend in with men as if maintaining distance. Her name was during the introduction if not mistaken, Qiana Az-Zahra. I will fight to make him see me!!!~~

***

It turned out that it was true that Tyo said that Setya had been after me for a long time. Setya's outpouring kept me reading until I was stunned when I read his regret for his attitude towards me that day, his struggle to meet me, waiting for me every time. Until the outpouring of her heart she wrote the last time before she left for my house last night. It breaks my heart to read it, I feel like a coward who disappeared for 8 years without any news to the people who love me.

***

Friday, 26 February 2020

Today I don't know why it's so heavy I've been through. Like trying to make a good impression on the people I meet. Coincidentally Qiana today also came to the City that she had long since left because of me. I still feel guilty about the incident, even though I know Qiana has forgiven me. The plan is later I will go to Qiana's house with Tyo and Mama. I want to straighten out my intention to marry her, I want to be honest if not by my mother's order or my mother's will I told Qiana to open her heart for me. But because I'm alone, because my heart wants it.

I want to see her happy, even though I know that the one she loves Tyo is not me. Even stupidly you told him to love me and call me Tyo. I may have hurt her back. But honestly, that wasn't my intention. I even waited for him for 8 years without opening my heart to anyone, I only loved him even though he didn't love me.

Sometimes I get caught off guard by my twin sister's words, to forget about Qiana and try to open my heart to people who like or love me. If it were easy I would have done it a long time ago. I know loving is not easy, but I always say’a to Him so that I can love Qiana to the end of my time in this world. Love sincerely without asking for a reply, it's okay if he's happy!!!.

***

I sobbed as if reading pen strokes on the paper, counted 11 years he harbored the taste for me. But why, why do you love me Set?.

I don't know what I feel right now, sorry?, disappointed?, angry?, sad?, I don't know all the feelings suddenly mingled in my mind and heart. The one I wish you, may you be happy there Set, in your new place. And one thing I'm asking, why the night you came here didn't straighten out what you wanted to get straight? Did you have a feeling about leaving me this soon? So that I don't feel guilty if I reject you and or so that I don't feel sad when I accept your statement and then you go away like this?.