Love (Not) Owned

The Longest Worship

After Hendra's return Mother looked more silent, Abah and I became completely wrong. Because my decision to get married without telling Mom first made her feel unnecessary again.

"Well, how's this ? not that Shofie does not want to tell Mom, Abah knows for herself that I do not get a lot of thoughts, Shofie meant later after Hendra came home from here just to know Mom" I told Abah

"Son, you mean well, it's just that in a matter like this you should tell the old man first before he comes, at least not surprised to see the intent of his arrival here let alone he came from far away, everything that must be thought carefully son, son, marriage is sacred for it needs unanimous steadiness of heart because this is the longest worship once in a lifetime"

I fell silent digesting Abah's words, it's also true that I should have talked to them first. Marriage is the longest worship in life may not be considered mature.

" Bah, Shofie meet Mom first huh"

_________

"Mom"

I approach the one sitting on the side porch, I know how you feel mom, sorry your son is still making mistakes to make you happy soon.

"Mother is not cold sitting outside like this, enter yuk ma'am" take me to the mother who is still staring straight ahead.

"Marriage is not the origin of marriage directly so son, all process, there are stages, it takes a strong mental, because marriage is not just a union of two humans, but also two people, there are also two families that must be brought closer, I'm glad you're finally getting married, but that doesn't mean you get married so quickly then you agree"

"do you mean I don't agree that Shofie married Hendra ?"

"Mom know you son, not a day or a month mother lives with you, more than that I know everything about the children Mother, the feeling of a Mother can not be lied to, son, what his son feels Mother can also frown"

"sorry Shofie Ma'am"

I hugged Mom warmly, occasionally holding my hand.

"no papa, I understand you just want to make mom happy, but one thing I regret, why suddenly you want to marry Hendra boy ? didn't you say you didn't have any feelings for her at all ?"

Oh Allah Gusti is so strong a mother's feelings that I cannot answer this question.

"you know that marriage is as long as a lifetime, for that Mother asks you to marry the person you love no matter how you will also live this household heresy, she said, I don't want you to get married just because you think about Mom but you ignore yourself, I don't want to be selfish for the sake of happiness Your mother sacrificed your own feelings"

"Mom.." my sobs on this woman can't feel.

"if indeed your feelings with Malik have changed and vice versa yes no papa does not mean you have to marry someone you do not like, I do not want you to be forced to do it, son, I want you to marry against the will of your heart not the will of others, now I ask you, do you seriously really want to marry Hendra boy ?"

I'm afraid my tongue will answer it or maybe I don't know what to answer because what Mom says is true.

I just shook my head while sobbing. Can't answer it anymore. Mother's words are all true.

If Malik and I are not a match, it does not mean that I force myself to accept others.

"Sorry Shofie ma'am"

"Already, the most important thing now you have understood, forgive the mother who always focused all on you, I know you are a child who will not abuse Mother. Whatever decision you accept is important never ever force something that you do not want because it is the same as you dzolim yourself"

I convinced myself to get out of this zone. I must immediately tell Hendra my true heart. I don't want her to sacrifice her feelings for me who has no feelings for her at all.

________

Already since the arrival of Hendra to Mother's house I have not returned the message, but at that time I wanted to immediately tell her but I was still thinking about how to tell her.

The clock had shown twelve but my eyes were reluctant to shut.

I open my social media, I see Hendra is online. I firmly strung together the words that would have been appropriate to represent me but again I deleted them. It is not polite to write. After I thought about it, I should come see him directly to Yogya.

Two days later I came alone to meet Hendra in Yogya, of course Abah and Mom let me go because I had to finish all this.

After meeting him, it was clear that his disappointed face. I knew it would happen and would have been much more disappointed if I had gone even further.

"I'm sorry Hen, I don't mean to take advantage of your feelings, you have the right to be angry with me, I accept that but honestly my heart until this moment can't accept you, yet, you're a good man Hen you deserve a much better woman than me"

"Thank you for coming all the way out here to be honest, but you're honestly I'm disappointed Shof, you know how I waited for you, how all this time I was expecting you so much and after you asked me to come to your house no longer happy but happy finally what I expected to happen, he said, however, God's plan is far more beautiful and well-ordered than our plan. I don't understand your position"

"again I'm sorry Hen has disappointed you once again"

"it's ok"

After a day in Yogya I decided to go to Jakarta first before returning to Medan to take care of everything needed to get to graduation.

Coming home from college I intend to take a walk in the nearest mall to wash my eyes. Who would have thought I met someone who was not so familiar but seemed familiar.

"Zahras"

Because someone said the same name as my brother's name I also turned to look for the source of the voice. Sure enough, but he recognized me not as Shofie but as my brother Zahra.

The man approached me to make sure.

"sorry my brother is not Zahra's brother, I'm his sister Shofie" I said to the man who patted his own eel.

"jeez, I forgot that you guys have all-like faces, so you're Shofie's sister, long time no see"

Yes, it was my brother's friend ah more precisely his brother Malik. I just remembered she lives in Bandung and her husband's family is Jakarta. Little did I know about her sister when she was close to Malik.

"cock so dumb, what are you doing here ?"

"just take a walk again"

"alone ?"

and I just nodded my head in response