A Memorandum

Story 7: Family and the Past

He returned to see Sarah the next night, just as promised. The situation is a little different this time. Because there are no more children. He knew that the situation would be more pleasant. In fact, he did not need to feel stiff anymore this time. And just like before, they were also chatting in his living room again. She wore a long dress along her knees. But this time with an appearance that looks more relaxed than usual.

“To be honest he's a good guy Ryan,” Sarah replied, as Ryan was alluding to his father. “Maybe it all started when my mom wasn't around. And you can see, he can raise us alone!”

“You must love him?”

“All children must love their parents right?”

“Not really,” reply quickly. Honestly, he was looking for himself. But Sarah did not catch her point at the time, and tried to ignore it. Before Ryan changed the subject again.

“So what do you usually do at home, Sarah? I mean if there's no office work?” Tanyanya.

He smiled when he heard his question. It seems Sarah also did not expect that Ryan was interested in her habits.

“Maybe read a book, watch television, or watch a movie.

“Watch movies?”

“Yes, Frans often lent me the latest DVD.”

“Oh..., I didn't know you were close to him?” Follow him in a relaxed tone. I mean nothing but to respond. But Sarah seemed to mean something else. And it made him laugh.

“We're just friends.” Follow him in a secretive tone. “Again, I'll just borrow the DVD!” Connect again.

That was not the response he wanted at all. Like before, he never thought about it. That was what made him unable to answer exactly as he was asked. He even slightly changed his conversation to something else.

“Did you never leave the house, Sarah? Meet your friends maybe?” Then he asked again.

“Not really,” says. “Sometimes I play badminton, or ride my bike .

“Bycling?”

“Yes. Why?”

“No.” Said slowly. “It's an interesting hobby. So you're really driving it?”

“Yes, of course. You don't know, do you, if I used to bike in the afternoon? You don't like it, do you?” Sarah asked again.

While Ryan shrugged his shoulders clumsily. “I guess..., I just don't like to be seen by many people.”

Now he's the one who's laughing. “Yes, that's obvious. So that's why you're here all night, right? Moreover, my father is not at home.”

He really understands what he means.

“I never said I was afraid of your father.” Immediately sahut.

“Really?”

“Yes, that's right. I mean.., it was before. But if he were home too, I would still come.” The reply, made sure his tone sounded as confident as possible. But what he did made it sound even more dubious.

She still sees Sarah wondering if she can trust her or not. Although he also hesitated because he had been laughing since. After all, if she really loved him, she also had to establish a good relationship with her family, right? He understood that understanding, of course. And again, such a concept is also not just a principle that exists only for him to understand. Rather, he had to really figure out a way to prove it. Even though he still does not know when he will take the next step.

The next night, she returned to Sarah's house again. This time with a conversation that is not much different from yesterday. Sarah talks back to her father. Given that only the two of them live now who still live in the same house. In addition, he also felt the need to know Otto further than before. Is he exactly the same as people think.

“Yes, of course. I spend a lot of time with my dad. Why are you asking that?” He had just drank his drink, then replied to his question.

“No.., I just want to know your closeness. Because you're the only woman who still lives with your father, right. I mean... I just want to know what you guys used to do?”

This time he smiled at her question. Even though he looked like he was thinking hard. He knew the answer was not much.

Sometimes, a child requires a special closeness in discussing something. Some of these may be influenced by a specific gender. Especially when it comes to secrets or something. At least that's the kind of concept I've understood.

“Againly not much,” Sarah started talking. “Because he used to sit at his desk. In addition to serving patients. But we used to talk if we had time. We used to discuss office work, or maybe take turns doing homework. Clean up, or maybe cook. My dad is not what most people know, Ryan. But he is easily close to anyone. Moreover, he is quite an old person here, so people also respect his existence.” His leg is long. It seemed, Sarah was also starting to understand why Ryan suddenly asked her.

“Then what about your mother Sarah? Do you still see him often?”

Ryan didn't know why he thought of asking that question. And he didn't do it because he was interested, but more because he didn't know what else to say. He said they must still be in contact. Something that of course he didn't think about in such a complicated way. But Sarah was silent for a while longer before finally answering.

“Actually, he's dead, Ryan.” Slowly follow.

“Oh,” his tone recalled if he once again evoked very bad memories. Makes her feel guilty again. And without even asking for one, Sarah then began to tell stories.

“Before I told you no, if he left us when I was maybe six years old.” He said, while Ryan recalled their conversation the night before. “I don't know why he just left. I never wanted to know either. But I haven't seen him since. I only know if he ever married another man. Before I heard of her passing four years ago.”

Four years ago, he thought to himself. It doesn't seem to be too long.

Part of him also wanted to ask how he felt again at that time. To know if he still loves her or not. But whatever he did would not allow him to accept it without feeling even more disappointed. He also knew that Sarah was simply responding to what was being asked. He didn't even see any sadness or anything like that. Perhaps his mood was even worse. In fact, he was unaware if he had just done things wrong over the past few days. Something he should have avoided.

“You must feel lucky to have a father like your father. He is amazing to be able to face it alone.” His word. Try to raise her heart.

“Yes, of course. I always thought of him as a great father.” He said back proud.

In his heart he began to assume that they might have little in common. That makes it enough to understand each other. Despite the greatness he said about his father, Ryan still could not look at him as great as other fathers. After all, it seems like there never was, was there someone who consciously demeaned his own family? Even including Ryan at a time when his mother's father was never good to him.

“If you are Ryan yourself, how is your family?” This time it was Sarah who suddenly asked.

He did not want to answer exactly as he was asked, but it was indeed impossible to shift his conversation in another direction. Other than him who still considers it a disgrace.

“They are in Bandung,” then reply is short. Sarah smiled softly at the answer.

His hand was still on his glass. “Yes, if that's what I already know. I mean how are they?” Said once again.

There's a little pause before Ryan speaks again.

“To be honest.., we never speak again.” Then said. “And this has happened the last two years. Since the first time I came here.”

He looked at her in wonder. “Why can it be?”

He doesn't want to tell stories. Really am.

“That's because..., because our relationship is not good right..” Sahut, while showing his lack of enthusiasm. I hope he doesn't have to explain anymore. It turned out that Sarah had indeed not caught her cue at that moment.

“I still don't understand.” And saith.

Ryan had to explain it.

“I don't know how to say it, Sarah.” Then sahut. “But I never knew my parents at all. I mean, my parents still exist. But they are not as good as most parents would have shown. I was raised in a very bad way. That's why I chose to leave my family. And choose my own life.”

He could see Sarah was a little interested in the story. Although he also felt anxious waiting for his response. In fact, this was the first time he had ever told anyone else. Her feelings for Sarah made it easier to do that.

“But you can not repay the bad with bad anyway,” then the proposal anyway.

“I'm not sure. I didn't start it anyway.”

He held his glass for a while, though he did not drink it there.

“I think you should learn to forgive Ryan. They are your parents anyway. The people who made you exist in the world. I think you're just following your own anger.” His tone seemed to be hunting him now. Which suddenly upset him.

Because frankly, there was nothing else he could hope for from him other than that he could better understand his feelings. But the truth is not so.

Sarah continued on. “If you want to know the truth, my mother also even left me when I was five. For no reason I don't know why. But after that, he never even took the time to see me. Or just want to know how we are. Sometimes I really want to hate him, but you'll only understand the meaning of losing when he's really not around. I'm saying this because I also care about you Ryan.”

He understood what Sarah meant. And deep down, he also appreciated her kindness. Although it is still difficult to do so now. There were at least some things he thought he needed to finish first. And that means not now.