A Memorandum

Storia 11: Birthday

I know I've given my whole heart to Sarah. In the hope that he would do the same to me. I even made a lot of schedules to meet. I try to keep myself in contact. As much as I can do. Because I have to spend half my time in a place I won't be able to reach, right? So that's why then at least once a week I'll sneak quietly to Welmina. And all of them just to send him a greeting or ask him news. Counting down when the time of meeting came.

Then when we finally came face to face again, I couldn't help but be more enthusiastic. I'm going to tell you a lot about what I've been through the last few days. Anything that might be interesting there. In fact, it's not uncommon for me to tell you about how many patients I handled during that time, or why fieldwork was so much more challenging than working at a desk, or a story about my first jungle exploration. How to be a part of local life. I know I'm stupid for what I do. But I don't know what else might be of use to us. The only thing I understand is that I still have to impress her. By involving the part he likes, by making myself a part of his world. The nature of nature, the sensation of living in it. This is the main point that I must pay attention to thoroughly.

I knew I might have dragged myself to follow his will. But to be honest, if I had found the right opportunity, I don't think I would have hesitated to pull himself into my way of life. It might sound selfish when I forcefully cram my mind. But all that I did for the sake of a better relationship between us, right?

But then again, I slowly felt that something was different from the way Sarah treated me lately. She suddenly became a girl like I had never known before. He who used to be the most active talker among us, now suddenly turned quiet. Where he began to be able to respond to our togetherness passively. Even I can't see her attitude filled with enthusiasm anymore now. Although this is the first time since I realized it. Then in addition, if he also never took the time to stop by my house like before. He never cooked anything for me, or took the initiative to just sit near me. That was the first reality I suddenly understood. Which makes it like an old habit that suddenly disappears.

But of course I never expected more. It's just that when two people love each other, I think the things that trigger closeness, something more romantic, should happen more often, right? I know I can't blame him for everything. It would be wrong if I did that. Because even then, I still have never shown my affection right in front of him. I never held her hand, nor even desired for it. The only thing I did seemed to be sitting alone or just talking, that's all. What is clear is still not enough to prove all my feelings for him.

Part of me still says that I will fix it when the opportunity arises. But how much he gave me. While my remaining time is getting narrower. And in addition to all of the above, it also never limits its association with others. I might be able to tolerate the others, but to Randy, who clearly had high hopes for her. Once, I saw Randy holding tightly to his hand, while Sarah also seemed not to feel bothered in the slightest. Even long enough he threw the word seduction there, which actually kind of sickened me a little. I know I'm jealous. Who wouldn't anyway. I mean, if he really loves me, and right as I've always hoped, he should be able to keep my feelings for him, right? Moreover, he already knows very well what I feel like all this time for him. It's just that I don't have the full power to stop it.

The basis of that thought, actually formed from simple reality. I mean, it's true that I've exposed all my feelings, but there's no certainty that Sarah actually accepts me for what I am, right? So this is what makes him still free to go wherever he wants. Love is not only about feelings, but also about words and promises. But Sarah was always a little older than me when it all happened. I'm only 25 years old and he's almost 26. But that's where the story will change from now on.

For this I know very well that time goes by so fast. And it's been almost ten months since I first knew her, even though I've only felt my love for her for the past five months. I'm still trying for him, and that certainly exceeds what I can do. I didn't even just take her for a walk or dinner. Will always call him exactly eight o'clock every day, then try to find a sign of longing from his tone. Was he really looking forward to my phone, did he enjoy it when he could hear my voice. At first, I knew he was almost always there when I called him. But on some other occasions, he just left my phone unanswered. I know if he can see my calling. Given the note is certainly on the screen display of his phone. But he didn't do anything to call me back or just intend to. Even until a few days have passed.

I know I can't hide my anger from myself. Because I'm the one who doesn't feel important anymore. Maybe I could even ask her why when we met in the following days. And conveying my anxiety. But I didn't do that either. And chose to hold it for my own sake.

But one day, as I was gathering with my friends, I saw Sarah sitting quietly in her study. Work chair model of office chair that can be rotated. Which can also be raised according to desire. He put his hands on the table, his face out the window, looking out into the distance. I know if this isn't usual when he's suddenly like this. That's why I went into his room, and chose to sit right next to him. I could feel the warmth of his arm that had accidentally come into contact with the tip of my arm. He looked at me for a moment and smiled gently at me. Before we were swept away again in silence.

"What's wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're so quiet today?"

"I'm fine. Really."

I looked at him as he said that. Make sure he's telling the truth. Although the other me seemed to remind me that there was indeed something he was hiding.

"I've heard it actually," then I said. Make him look back at me. "In an article. I mean, when a person is asked what's wrong but he answers it's okay, it means there's something. I only know if you don't want to tell me."

Now he's smiling. "I don't know. What do you think I'm thinking?" Legally. "And why did you choose to come here?" Then continue again.

"Eitherway. I just saw you alone, and it was unusual. So I think I should see you."

He's still smiling. "none. Just business." Then sahut.

"Oh. I guess it's too much work today..."

"Not really,"

There's a pause before I talk again. "Did your father pressure you into doing a job you didn't like?" Tanyaku return.

And to be honest, I was just guessing at once intending to joke around with her. Although in reality all of that is true. However, our work is not just an obligation that needs to be done outside the office. But there are also some things to do on the table. Which means there will be more reports and also a stack of papers. While Otto himself is a person who is easily anxious to deal with such problems. Everyone knows that is his nature. And not infrequently he directs it to others. I don't think Sarah is an exception either.

Then he started to mumble. "Office only. But like I said, it's not a big deal either. I mean.., you know, our jobs are required to be perfect. But my father was not one to understand easily. Earlier this morning, he had even just terminated his employment contract with the pharmaceutical warehouse. Though he knows for himself our supplies of medicines are never enough. So how else would I report the supplies of drugs. In the end I'll be the one he blames."

I laughed a little. Know if my guess is right. "Yes, the truth is finally revealed now." My heart, without seriously answering. Sarah was silent. And we sat again in silence for a few moments.

"Speak Sarah!"

"What do you mean?"

"Talk. I mean.., you've been quiet a lot lately."

He then muttered. "I don't know," he said. "So what do you think I should talk about?"

"Um.., how about romance. You said you were in love, right? If you don't mind."

"I...?" He muttered again. "I think you should talk first." Then he laughed.

I didn't even know he would ask like that.

"Well..., so what do you want to know?"

"Everything. Um..., how did you meet?" Then said.

"You mean my last ex?" I asked back and he nodded. "We got acquainted through chatting. Before meeting a few weeks later. I thought I liked him, and he felt the same way about me. So that's where it all started."

There was a pause before he spoke again. "So what's he like? And... What's his name? If you don't mind."

I love it when the conversation goes on like this.

Then I looked at him. It takes care to do that. Not only because women don't like to be compared, but also to keep Sarah's feelings for me. Especially after she knew how I felt.

"Mary's name. I think she's the kind of woman that most men are easy to like." I still look at him when I stop. "You want me to describe it?"

"Continue..." He looks funny. Makes me laugh anyway.

"She's beautiful, sexy, um, not what you'd imagine. I mean, he's fun to see. He's smart, and also forward-looking."

"Yes. He always made a long list for his future plans. You know, whatever we're doing right now is preparing for a better life. He made a lot of considerations about his career, his place of residence, and of course his time with me. I think that's why he left me. You know, 'cause I might be stuck here forever. I think he's very smart with that thought."

He leaned back for a while, straightened his legs again, before hiding them under the table. But said nothing, even now it's his turn to talk.

So I asked. "And you're alone? How's your love story?"

"Me?" He looks a little surprised now. "Don't I ever have an ex?"

My head is a little jolted. "You mean.. Are you with someone?" I guess I can't hide my suspicions from my tone. But he tried to laugh.

"No, I didn't say that." Soft leg.

"But you told me once that you were in love, right?"

"Yes, it's true. But we were never together." Legally. And I nodded without knowing the direction he was saying. "He left me suddenly. Then marry someone else. That's why now I don't want to expect too much. You know what, to be more careful? I don't think anyone wants to get hurt more than once."

"Oh.., that must have hurt you." Sahutku. "But, if you had gotten married, it would have been your first and last girlfriend, right, Sarah."

"Yes, I guess. But.." he paused for a moment, as if thinking about his last words. "I guess I'll go through it without any courtship at all." Connect again.

Maybe it was a little strange when I heard those words. But I still think it's amazing. Sarah has no experience with men. I think that's why he treats me differently. A few moments later, the conversation stopped. And I realized again if the topic was me who started it. So I think now is the turn. Sarah was silent after this. His eyes looked off into the distance again.

"You all right, Sarah?" Tanaku.

But instead of answering, he smiled. "Do you have any future plans?" Then he said again. "I mean, what do you want to do in the near future. Besides wanting to get out of here of course?"

I was a little surprised to hear his question. Not just because it sounds ordinary. But sometimes, Sarah's words are hard to guess. I know he's judging me here.

I then took a deep breath. "Stay my life with you I think." Again, without seriously answering.

This time I saw him smile.

"Don't joke!"

"I'm serious" I said. "Then why do I keep spending time with you, Sarah? It doesn't just happen, does it?" My welcome slowly. Although I did not expect his response.

"I've been thinking about it a lot lately. About you, about us. You remember when we came home from the waterfall that afternoon. When we reached Welmina last night, I think that's where it all started. The next day, I was at your house. We talk a lot, here's the future. And I'm beginning to dare to dream that you're my next life. I just can't imagine what if I lost you, Sarah." Back saying.

Even after saying those words, Sarah also did not say anything. I don't know what his attention is. But talking to him here, it's like I'm the one talking to myself. Part of me also reminds me that Sarah doesn't like it very much when I offend her. Something I've understood for a long time. But he didn't have to go that far either, did he? It doesn't feel right to me, but it evokes a romantic impression as if it were impossible for us. I felt so wrong in front of him.

"What are you thinking?" Finally said.

"What do you mean?"

"Listen Sarah, I don't know what's going on. But if it's about work, I can help you."

"Nothing,"

"You sure don't want to tell me."

"I'm doing fine. Really." Slowly follow.

I waited for him to add something, but he said nothing. Then suddenly I realized that Sarah didn't want me there. And let ourselves be moved into that silence. I almost gave up on it. But before I could think about what other topics to provoke her to talk, Sarah brought another surprise to our face.

"I'm a birthday." Suddenly said.

"Oh..," my tone reminded me if it wasn't something that might have happened.

"You don't know, do you? You said you liked me." And so on, without giving me a chance to respond.

"It's not like that..." My solute. "I... You mean two more weeks, right?"

Sarah looked me in the eye deeply. As if I wanted to believe what I said or not.

"I'm not asking you to do anything. I just want to say it." He said, with a little emphasis on his words. And act like they don't care.

"No. I'll keep doing it. Whatever if it's for you. It'll be fun anyway. I promise." Finally said.

Sarah told me her birthday, I think it proves that my hope is still there. And although everyone could figure it out easily, but the fact that I was the one he told me directly made me suspect there was something in his way of doing that.

To be honest, I also feel a little guilty because Sarah has to tell me. Although I was also lucky enough that he was not too disappointed. But I still don't know what to do.

I never gave anything to anyone else. Even for my own close family. But if that person really means a lot to me, of course I have to find him something that is very valuable to him. Something she could remember all the time. At first, I might have thought of buying her jewelry. Because that was the first thing that came to my mind. But something inside me reminded me that it wasn't the right choice. I know Sarah always comes out the way she is. She even wears makeup just to emphasize her feminine side, that's all. Which shows that her beauty is more natural. Then if there are other problems, it seems like living in Welmina is indeed inconceivable like living in big cities. And if there was also someone who sold what I was looking for, the price would of course be very exorbitant. Love can make a person blind to everything. One simple word but able to change the way a person views money. And this is the first time I've ever given up my own interests.

I knew I had to leave Welmina as soon as possible. Taking into account the time I had. September 12th, when he told me, it wasn't even two weeks. I can't imagine it if this plan fails. And that, of course, is to make amends for my previous mistakes. I think this is the only way Sarah can see me as a good man. Someone who is reliable. Or at least go there. At least that's what I imagined.