A Memorandum

Storia 14: Closing the Heart

He never thought that fate would bring him back to his childhood place. Which feels like it passed so fast. It's only been three years since he never came home again. But the most obvious is of course the development there. When in Welmina the changes that seem only felt by the grasslands are getting busier, in Bandung it is getting crowded by the buildings that continue to stand. It seemed to surround the little life around him. But the place he lived in, of course, still remains like his home before. Small, seedy, shabby, crowded with worthless things.

The sky was almost dark the moment it arrived. The lighting hasn't even been lit when it gets there. With wild grass that increasingly mash up the page. Even for a moment, he almost thought of the wrong address because of the environment he was no longer fully familiar with. But the design of the guest room, then the next door neighbor he saw at a glance, made him confident in his purpose. Outside, he was glued for a while before knocking on the door. It didn't take long for him to wait outside. Before his mother opened the door.

She knew her mother was shocked to see her arrival, and was just as shocked as she was to see her appearance. He looks old and weak. His face was pale, his hair also looked even thinner than he had previously remembered. It's only been three years since they got separated. But he also said nothing. Even if his mother doesn't know how to start a conversation. Which indicates if the split is still there. Here, he faced all his problems alone. And did not know what other problems his son would bring before him. Ryan doesn't care.

Actually, it was not as awkward as he had previously thought. And of course, he also did not come by giving news. No one expected his presence here. It was only after her brother Yuri appeared that the atmosphere became a little out of control. And just like his mother, he was equally astonished when he saw her presence there. But his words that came out actually made his whole heart inflamed.

“Why come back again?” His bluff, for a moment he stood in the doorway.

The first thing he wanted to do was smash his hand towards something. Whatever it is, to make the situation heat up. But before he could do it, his mother soon became a mediator between the two of them.

“Ryan is also mother's son, Yuri!” Soft words. Almost with a tone he had never known before. He felt that even this time his mother called him son. Which instantly cooled the emotions he was feeling at that moment.

He also said nothing in return. And choose to pass them to then enter the room. It turned out that his condition had not changed much since the first time he left the room. Only the location of the furniture looks moved. His little heart said that they might still allocate him for his arrival. He seemed to be expecting his presence there. Although that understanding is also in fact not felt to encourage his heart even in the slightest.

And it felt quite strange when he realized it here, in a place where he had memories of the past in it, whose entire inhabitants were his own family, he said, but he also could do nothing but be alone. The conflict between them made everything impossible. Even just to talk. Then it was easy for him to realize that he should never have come back.

Outside, the clattering of one's footsteps was repeatedly heard every time someone flashed in front of the door. Even he could still faintly hear the conversation from the middle room. But of course, no one tried to call or disturb its existence. Even just to knock on the door. Only at night, when the atmosphere began to be a little quiet, he began to be able to step his feet out of the room for a moment. And he did not intend to explore the room one by one before, but in fact that is what he later did. For this he was very sure if everyone was sound asleep. So he could look around with his speed. But when he stepped into the kitchen, then he found the scenery that was the cause of his arrival here.

That was his father. And he's fast asleep right now. In one of the rooms that might be reserved for him. Which even the room was much narrower than all the rooms in the house. But what surprised him was of course his condition inside. His body suddenly looked thin. The color of his skin had completely paled by now. Breathing faster and weaker than it should. While the slang in his hand drained the medicines he needed. Which according to him, does not even give a healing effect even in the slightest. The sight suddenly made his heart shrink. But his reaction was then only silent for a few minutes. Before consciously walking away.

Know if he's really dying.

In three days, Ryan soon gets to know his father's routine at home. The whole day is filled with more sleep. Because of his father, he can barely even walk anymore.

There is no treatment at home. At least what he needs. There was only that infusion liquid flowing in his hand. He didn't even get any pain medication. Sometimes she felt her worries for him. And not once two he would peek into his room in as he slept. Before long silence there. With his attention that will continue to be fixed to his chest. Afraid that he would not breathe anymore.

Pretty lucky actually, when he could see his father sleeping soundly all day. Because not infrequently, he can complain of abdominal pain or pain in some other place. Which made him unable to eat much more than just a mouthful of water. But until then, he had never heard of his father receiving treatment at the hospital. Or the desire for it. Ryan doesn't know what's going on, but judging by all the knowledge he has, his father should be able to get better care. After all, he is a retired government. With a number of health guarantees. So there was no reason for him not to get the best treatment. Even for treatment that costs a little more.

Sometimes the infusion slang on his hands that don't work. A little blockage disrupts the flow. But they never called Ryan for such a trivial matter. Besides, he had no desire to offer himself. They even just called the next door neighbor to help. A nurse who works at a local hospital, and asks him to take care of his father occasionally every day. Even though he couldn't continue to be there at all times. Because he said he had a job or had to take care of his own family.

In the end, it was Maya who changed everything.

Near the end of September 2012, his father finally entered the hospital for the first time. Where he can get the treatment he needs. Especially for some vital things. He spent a few more weeks there. Where the condition continues to be monitored by a number of nurses and a doctor all the time. His condition did get better a few days later, but the condition also did not last long.

In early October 2012, his condition worsened. Because the treatment that his father should have received, was never given as it should be. But this is not because of the costs they cannot afford. Even insurance is very responsible for all the treatment provided. Including if there are additional costs. Usually, they would give chemotherapy as the standard of treatment, but because of the rejection that his mother did, they were forced to be unable to do so.

Doctors and nurses have repeatedly explained it to her. But never once did his mother listen. And he continues to question the side effects of therapy that he finds unacceptable. And rather entrust it to alternative medicine as a way out. For a moment, Ryan may be trying to understand what really happened. Maybe he's in a state of shock, or something here. Which made him unable to bear the pressure he had to face on his own. While the thinking of a healthy person should be immediately taken for that one decision. Moreover, on the other hand, the time left is now getting thinner.

But the sad reality was that of course his own father, he didn't even care much for any treatment that would be given. In other words, he would still receive whatever his therapy was as long as it gave him a chance to heal. Which at once shows his life's desire is still high. But because of the stubbornness that his mother kept doing, it was the same as making him see his own death sign.

“Chemotherapy is right given if the prognosis is still good.” It starts. “But if it continues to be delayed, the chances of success are also getting smaller. His condition will continue to worsen over time. After that we won't be able to rely on chemo anymore to control it. Maybe only you can explain it to your family. So that they can more easily understand!”

He knows what he said is true. And deep inside him too, Ryan could see his concern. Moreover, he is a good doctor. But the problem now is that he may never be able to fulfill what he was then expecting.

For after all, there will always be a great gulf between them. Even just to just open the conversation also feels very impossible. He knew it was not just anger or hurt. But also about justice, the desire for them to admit their mistakes even once, then to improve themselves. And deep within him as well, even with all the anger he felt, he could still feel concern for her. It was not uncommon for him to start feeling his fear. It is only realized that he has a very big role. In fact, it might even fix everything. And this is where he fails when it comes to dealing with the pain itself. It was like ingrained flesh. In fact, maybe he'll never be able to forget it until he's dead.

At home, there seemed to be nothing else he could do. And I could only lie in his room, leaving his wandering mind, until the burden was at a point he could no longer hold. Even over the past few nights, he could only pass his time without sleeping a full night. Imagine how much time he still had.

But at the same time, sometimes Ryan also felt something strange happen to his feelings. A reality that also happened without him knowing. When he was close, he knew his hatred was slowly forming. But when the time is far apart, his sadness suddenly comes. And not once or two when she was home alone, would she sneak quietly into her father's room. Imagine it as if it were still there. Even a few weeks after the room was abandoned, he could still feel the scent of his body that seemed to be there. Which now also mixed with the aroma of disinfectant. All of those feelings suddenly made her understand what her father was feeling at that moment. It was as if he could feel his pain now, his sadness, even his fear when he realized his days were coming to an end.

At home, he refused to talk. And of course it would be a little good if there were friends sharing. But in this cramped house, he did not even know anyone who might be able to understand. He called Sarah, and asked her how he was doing. And when Sarah then tried to ask what happened, Ryan also never talked about it openly. He knew he was only using that means to drive away his saturation. To give you the certainty that he's right still has an escape. Even if the ones they missed were there without the slightest bit of conversation. That's why he never told me about his mother who continued to refuse the treatment that should be given, or his conversation with Dr. Lisa a few days ago, or his relationship with his family that even today still never speak. Of course he never wanted to convey his problem to her. In addition to her not wanting Sarah to worry too much, she also did not want Sarah to give her advice or teach her how to behave. Because that's what he used to do without thinking twice. So he just explained how his father developed over time, and why the treatment he was given no longer responded to his condition.

Ryan is aware that Sarah is also trying to understand her feelings, from the way she always tries to put herself. Even he can give her support when she is absolutely needed. Here is the empathy and sympathy that he can feel at the same time.

“All will pass, and all will improve as usual. I will also pray all the time, and wish the best for you family.” Sometimes he says. “And don't forget to send my fault to your family, yes.” Here was the faint smile he could hear from behind the phone.

It's just that all that talk, all that sharing of feelings, Ryan knows that all that only happens when his emotions are a little better. Because, not once did he just not be able to hide his confusion from his tone of voice, or he who just wanted to end the conversation as quickly as possible. So not infrequently, he will say he is not feeling well, or he who wants to rest for a moment, or whatever, who immediately stopped all the talk that was currently going on.

He knew he had gone too far. And it's like he's trying to direct his stress to Sarah right now. That forced him to keep quiet to avoid another debate. He repeatedly promised himself that he would fix it later in their conversation, apologizing for what happened. But no matter how much of an opportunity it created for him, he also never tried to do it.

As the day continued to change, a little change also happened to his father. Although not a change to a repair. Because more than a month has passed, his mother also continues to oppose the treatment that should be given to him. No matter how much they explain. And it is too stupid actually, as he continues to persist with such thoughts. But that's how he is.

Sometimes, he would do a search on the internet. Trying to find similar cases. Before you break it down to a more specific section. And he will also compare it with the stage that his father was experiencing, looking at possible therapies, following each development. But what actually surprised him was the recovery rate which was still quite high. Even for treatment in those times, including if the treatment is only done domestically. But for all those absurd reasons, all that knowledge is meaningless now.

In the end, October has just passed. Dr. Lisa suddenly went into her father's room. And this is not usually when he does not choose to speak directly to Ryan or his mother, this time he chose to speak directly with his father. Ryan didn't know what was going on, but he did talk to his mother outside for a while.

“Bapak... Starting today father is cared for at home only yes!” He said softly, putting his hand on his father's arm. “There will be a nurse at home. For prescription drugs, can be prescribed directly from here.”

His father said nothing when dr. Lisa talk. But Ryan could see his eyes suddenly turning flat, before he felt his fear sinking into himself.

Because for his father, he who did not even have a good understanding of his illness, he could understand it well here. That the hospital just wanted his departure now. Which also meant that he had just heard his own death sentence.

Only a miracle could cure him now.

When the doctor finished, Ryan immediately walked out of the room. It takes a moment to calm down. He started lamenting around, trying to understand what was happening once again. He knows he still hates it. But he also did not want to see her dying and also lose her. All the weight kept on building up inside his head. Until he can't hold it anymore. Which then involuntarily began to make his eyes glaze over. And this was the first time she ever cried for her own father.

Realize that he'll be gone soon.