A Memorandum

Storia 15: Confilk Submerged

His father returned home the next day. And they brought an ambulance for his return. Everyone seemed sad, everyone looked grieving, although they could still hide their feelings by being tough. “All will be well,” aunt Maya whispers it into Ryan's ear. But he knew nothing would be better from now on.

At home, they move the treatment to the middle room. To a place that gets more sunlight this time. And his mother also made a care schedule every day. With most of the time that of course more is left to him. Yuri or her sister Sasa only keeps watch three hours every night. Things might get a little better when Anita, her brother comes. He could not spend more time at home. Because he is the one who said he has to take care of his own family or whatever. But of all the guarding schedules above, it looks like only Ryan has never been involved. He understands the reason. And although he never agreed to it even once, he also never offered to participate.

His condition worsened in mid-November. This time his father would almost always seem to be asleep the whole time. Even in the morning when he was just bathed. His body looks thinner. More and more of his bones were emerging from under his skin. He barely had much energy to get out of bed. Even if just to sit for a while. But all of that is actually just a little change that is very easy to see. Because at the same time, his condition suddenly had an effect on his soul.

During the day, when the television was still on, which was actually more television watching now, he suddenly realized that he was in a state of hysterics. He said he had just seen the shadow of a man dressed in all white. Watching him, pointing towards him, something that seemed invisible. His mother also repeatedly explained to him, “There is nothing sir..., there!” Legally. At almost every opportunity. But his father survived in a state of panic.

Ryan knows it's his consciousness that's been going down lately, which makes him hallucinate more, delusional. And he also understood that his father was waiting for a miracle or something. Anything to show a sign of friendship. Maybe just a light conversation, a joke or a laugh. As is commonly done between a boy and his father. But he will never, and will not be able to give it away. Not with his heart like this.

His mother did something to fix it. With the only way he could do it, the only way he could possibly show a little care for her. So it's not uncommon for Ryan to be in his room knocking on his door every once in a while, which he does just to remind him to eat regularly. He was also suddenly ready to wash his dirty clothes, as well as dry them and also tidy them up. Habits that he had never done before while he was living in his home. Then when he will leave the house, do not forget also he will always say his purpose. He also said nothing when he returned. In other words, he had only created one-way talks between them. The only conversation that can only be answered with a yes or no answer. Even if he didn't say anything, it wasn't something rude.

But one time, when Ryan was just starting his lunch, his mother suddenly met him in the kitchen. And this was unusual when he suddenly approached her like this. It was as if he had just gathered all his courage. But of course, he also knows very well if Ryan does not like his presence there. Before he forced himself to start the conversation.

“When are you back in Kalimantan, Ryan?” He said, starting a friendly conversation.

Ryan knew he was trying to build a good atmosphere at the time. Remembering this was their first conversation since he came home. However, she still could not respond to him with her gentle demeanor.

“Why? My presence is no longer accepted, yes?” Then say it, just take it lightly. Made him subconsciously pull himself back.

However, he could still control himself here.

“Mom never said that. All children are free to live here. It's about your father. You know right..., he's seriously ill?”

“Ya..., I know,” and again reply ketus. Without showing a caring attitude. His mother began to swallow his saliva many times this time.

“Your father needs a interlocutor, Ryan. Try to meet him occasionally. Talk to him for a minute!”

“So what should we talk about, ma'am?”

“You can talk anything. Maybe tell me about your work, the circumstances there, anything to show your closeness.” The proposal again. Which makes me even more upset.

“I never know if it speaks well for him, ma'am. His condition will not get any better either. Everyone knows it.” Then reply. His voice was filled with sarcastic tone again.

And he started to feel her tension later. When her mother almost lost control. For a moment, he felt his rapid heartbeat. But this was the commotion he had been waiting for for a long time. In fact, he did not have to bother to lure her here.

But his next words were almost unclear as he began to tear apart.

“So... look at you now .. Tega you with your father.., with your mother!”

He looked back at her, pretending to be confused. “There's nothing wrong with what I said, right, ma'am? I'm just telling the truth. That's why the hospital kicked him out, right?”

“But your father just wants to talk, Ryan! You always stay away! You never even tried to meet him. Don't you care how he is? Don't you pity?”

He smiles. I thought it was funny, but nothing funny. “But it is not me who can cure him bu...” The truth, just be light. “If she is sick, it's her business to the hospital. Besides, it wasn't me who made him this way.” Again, while shrugging your shoulders.

Ryan knew his words were really cruel, as he put his argument down like that. But he just felt like he was venting his feelings. All the anger he had been feeling for a long time. And he could see his face blushing later. While her lower lip started to shake. It was as if he was really bracing himself for his next words.

“So yes you are now.?” He said, as he started to get better again. “Have you felt great? Because you can already make your own money. But don't forget son.., your mother who gave birth to you. And if it wasn't for your father too, you would never exist.” His mouth, instantly made his face smoldering.

And Ryan really hates the use of such words. Speech as if a child always owes everything.

He didn't know why, but most of the more mature people did prefer to use those words to protect their own interests. It was as if they could not be prosecuted for anything they had ever done wrong. And that's really a very selfish understanding.

Then he came back laughing. “So mom wants to make it a justification?” He retaliated.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, I don't remember it anymore, do I? I feel like you never even looked at me as a child. Why did I get home now, huh? Just to see people who never even existed for me. You never even see your mistakes. I should never have done it. And again, for mom to know, I don't feel that I owe anything. You guys dumped me anyway, didn't you, long ago?” He said with a smile. Though his anger took control this time.

“Who said we dumped you? You are the one who chose to go from home.” Reply, shaking his head. “And let mother remind you something now. If you think that we threw you away, if you feel that father and mother never loved you, you should never be anyone. So who used to give you clothes, a place to live, from where you got food for your stomach. Did all of that suddenly come from the sky? Who paid your school fees…? And now you've got an established job, and then you forget everything.”

“Ya..., and mom even just looked for me for a week.”

“That's because you already have your life now. You can stand up to your own abilities. We guess you don't need us anymore.” This time he raised his tone. Still trying to defend himself. And Ryan hates it when he keeps doing this again and again.

He got up from his seat. Step into the dishwasher. Before throwing all his food into the dump. He wanted his mother to see his anger there. But apparently it didn't give him any effect. While he continues.

“We always wish you a much better life than us. Everyone, and even the neighbors, also not infrequently ask for your news. And we always tell you where you are, and how proud we are of your work. Even the house never changed. So you'd feel at home if you'd come. Our family always wishes you were back, Ryan. It doesn't matter you want to go far, but you never even thought of returning home.”

“Then what's the problem?”

This time Ryan nodded. “Oh.., okay. I understand now. So you want me to thank you, right? All right.., I'm very grateful then. I thank you for all the kindness you have given me. Thank you for having your reasons for not being rude to me, hitting me, me who never even got to school the way I wanted. Thank you for never loving me like my other brothers.”.

“No... That is not true.., your mother and father have always loved you ..!”

“Really…? But I don't see it that way, do I?” Her mouth, and she came back suddenly laughing to herself. “Then where have you been? When I need you guys? You think I'm proud of my job? You never even know the difficulty I feel. You can enjoy your life in peace, and never think about anything. Even if I die once, I don't think you'll ever find me. I never felt like I had a family. You guys make me like a stranger.”

“No, that's not true..”

“Then prove...!” This time he really hit her. He slapped his hand against the wall. “Prove that you consider me important. Prove it until I can feel it. I've never even felt part of this family. That's why I've been treated differently, right? I was sacrificed for the sake of others.”

Ryan saw her back. But he hasn't said anything. While he continues.

“The only reason I left home was to escape. And this is revenge for your treatment. You remember, when I finished High School, you just said you didn't have money for my school. When Yuri and Sasa were able to get the lecture they wanted, I even had to work hard with my own strength. They can go to school until post-graduate with your attention. While me? And don't ever tell me that you guys bought me a lot of clothes. Because most of it is the gift of aunty Maya, or a neighbor who lives next door. Even I purposely hung all my torn clothes outside for you to see. It's true you always see it, but your heart doesn't. I was like a beggar. And never forget the past, mom!”

His mother was surprised by his words. According to him, his words were really about it. Even though Ryan didn't know it would affect him or not. On another matter, he also deliberately voiced his annoyance loudly. What he did so that everyone could feel his anger. Even if it includes his father. He no longer cared if it worsened his condition.

This time Ryan saw his mother nod later. As if trying to strengthen themselves. “Alright, if that is the reply that mom got. nak.” Sahut again. “Mom knows if mom and dad are being tough on you, but that's to teach you a lesson. And see the results now? Are you a bum? Do you live under a bridge? But now, you suddenly went back through the front door, then brought trouble again to this house?” Further again. Ryan put it in the last sentence.

When he called it a problem-bearer.

“Oh..., so is it?” Then say it, just take it lightly. And he came back laughing.

This time he started to rise. Want to get out of there soon. Away from him. And he really hated this kind of stubbornness.

“Where are you going, Ryan?” He heard her scream. But he ignored it.

This time his mother started following him.

“Setting my things. Tomorrow I'll leave.” Ketus.

“Can't you wait a minute? A few days, or maybe a week away?”

“Didn't mom want me out of here?” The reply, still trying to ignore it.

“You still don't understand too, huh?” Legally weak. And he no longer knows how to deal with it here.

“I understand, ma'am. Totally understand. So why isn't the mother controlling the mother's ego for a moment, then admitting the mother's fault just once? You always think you are right. Does everyone have to follow the will of the mother? And understand what you did?”

“Don't blame mom for everything!” His protest.

“Then who?” Reply again. And he's really sick of responding to it like this. “And I know you, I'm not here because of my wishes, ma'am. Not because I feel sorry for my father, or care for his life, but because of uncle David or aunt Maya who kept pressing to go home to Bandung. So I have no choice.” Then he said again. “And the only reason this father caused was his own mother. Because the mother who continues to refuse the treatment that should be given!”

“That's because of the side effects..”

Ryan immediately cut it off with his rebuttal.

“They are smart people, bu.” said angry. “Tenth of the year they did research, and many have been successfully cured. So why do mothers who feel they have a better understanding of them?”

He reminded her of a decision she had made. Then use it against himself. And this is where for the first time he began to notice what was happening. Ryan still hasn't stopped. He then stared in the other direction for a moment, sighing once, before his gaze returned to him again.

“So if anything happens to dad later, mom should be in charge. And long ago, when he was healthy, he could be against me. But now, why can he just so readily apologize, and act like I forgive. Besides, if you want to fix everything, you should have done it from the beginning, right?”

Ryan knew his mother was very hurt to hear his words. But this is what he has long been craving. It even takes a lifetime just to reveal it. Before what was heard then was only the sound of her crying from the direction of her room.

Some of him also still questioned his fairness in doing all that. Moreover, raising the tone of his speech against the elder, even his own mother, is something that is not easy to do in this world. But this is what it looks like if anger and resentment take control. There is only the feeling of not caring.

And he had to go through his father again before he got into the room. And he didn't say anything either as he went through it. His father, who was silent in his bed. Sadness and fear were getting overshadowed from his face now.

In the room, he locked himself again. Then he unconsciously began to feel his eyes back in tears. Hate all the problems he has to face. Hate being born into this family.

The night was just getting late, and the moon was no longer in the sky, as Ryan had to prepare for his departure. But this is where he captures a scene he may never forget in a lifetime. He knew that no one else was watching him at the time, only his father. And he just looked at her with an expression he barely knew before. His eyes were still filled with nothingness, as well as his helplessness. But Ryan knew that his father was trying to avoid his gaze when he looked back at him. Like he who never knew. Even he could see her trembling hand as she pretended to play the television remote in his hand.

He knew his father was looking for a way to say something. Whatever it was to make him last a moment. Which had taken away his mind all that time. Which he couldn't say for himself.

And his eyes kept staring at Ryan as if he would never see him again for good. But it is Ryan who will really lose it.