A Memorandum

Story 1: My life story

Bandung, a city that is now more complete with its privileges. I think we can start with the largest metropolitan city in the country, a historic place, or the coolest city possible. Various circumstances that make it very comfortable to live in. But lately, sometimes I also think that this city might develop because of its luck. With many important events in the past, which also makes it widely written in history books. This is why the city has received more attention. And you can see that from the development of this city over time. That feels much faster than most other cities. When I was a kid, I still remember the neighborhood around me. Where the road is only a mound of sandy dry land. There is always a field between almost every house. But now, all areas that were once settlements soon changed offices. Shopping malls began to fill several places, while residences began to be replaced by apartments.

But Bandung, I think it is the same as other big cities. And there are almost always marginalized people who live crowded in the middle of a big city. As proof that life is not easy at all. But it all seems to be about a steady job. And as both my parents had them, (both of whom worked as teachers at one of the government-owned schools), at least I and my sisters were still able to get a decent education. Although it is also not the most prestigious education in the country. Because for college, of course my parents have to work extra.

In Bandung, our house is also not too small, but also too big for six family members to live in. With a lot of the veranda looks fragile. My father had repeatedly made improvements to the part, but what he produced seemed to be nothing but repairing it again in the years that followed. Me and my other sisters, (i'm the third of four children), we went to the same school for most of our lives. Which he said for cost reasons. Like books that can be passed down or something. Especially for Elementary School education that even her teachers were my own father and mother.

I dare tell you, if my parents really worked tirelessly for most of their lives. And it's not just a proud expression that children usually say to their parents, but also because of the fact that those who barely have time to rest for a little, even for a moment. Morning and night, almost eighteen more hours in my opinion. And almost no time or opportunity is wasted. When classes are over, they will usually teach private classes. While hoping for understanding from a number of parents of students whose children they teach. Even when the morning is still blind, they are used to wake up to make a variety of light snacks. Before marketing it in stalls or even school canteens.

"Work hard all day for a day's meal. Work extra for a better future the next day." What my father used to say. In the hope that our children will make him a role model.

Actually, the idea of selling came from my grandparents. They even once had a small stall in front of the house. But the stall seems to be just the rest of it now. Which proves if all expertise is not fully heritable. But like a father, like a child, the only thing that is revealed seems to be only his skills teaching it. Because before, my grandfather was also a teacher at one of the schools in the area. I don't know if they are great people on the basis of their profession. But I think I'd prefer to say it.

In essence I can tell you, if my parents really fought for this little family. A very reliable figure. Even though all the awards really won't be able to come from myself.

And yes, my understanding of my parents feels very different from most people. When you can boast of your parents as being great, loving and loving, but I, indeed, will never be able to find such expressions in my life. My father and my mother, they don't love me. They can show their affection for their other children, but not for me.

I don't want you guys to say I'm exaggerating. Besides, I also have no reason to do so, right? But the amount of physical or psychic injuries I've received can really remind me of everything. Some of which I will probably carry with me for life. I am someone who spent much of my childhood in the midst of terror. It was just fear that I knew as a child. They often treat me in cruel ways. Like hitting me for a reason I never even knew why. Then quibble if it's some kind of learning for me. But what kind of learning is given if the path is only violence? Even a fool can understand it so easily.

Maturity, in the end made me understand what was happening in this family. Where I often compare my life with my other friends. When they could easily buy the latest toy as they wanted, I could only find myself stealing marbles sold by the next door neighbor. And unlike my other friends, when they used to tell me about the last episode of the movie they watched (we often talked about the Dragon Ball series), it seemed like I was the only one who stayed alone in the corner, then subconsciously listened. We don't have cable television at home, but it's not because of that. My dad and my mom, they'll always ban me if I go out. Just to watch in the neighbor's house.

At home, there is never enough money to buy toys, or just enough clothes. Unless the help is coming from next door neighbors. It was also just old clothes. And it was not uncommon for me to peek into my other sisters' closet, noticing how many clothes they had. While mine, it seems like I have no more than ten pieces of clothing and also cloth pants. I even stole buttons or zippers many times from their clothes before sewing them into my own clothes. Well, I'm not saying that they never bought it. But if there was even once, it would be very rare. And because of the amount of ill-treatment I felt at the time, it immediately threw out all the good they had ever given.

The discrimination and violence I have received has led me to question what I have in their hearts. What I think the answer is no. I will never feel proud when I can tell it. My past is filled with pain and tears. It slowly made me a rebel. Even at a very young age. And don't tell me if my mischief is just by putting gum on my friends' chairs, or just throwing paper at them when the teacher is on our back. No, not at all. Even my mischief can be far more cruel than that.

I used to shoot ink on the back of schoolmates' uniforms, scribble their textbooks, pull benches when they were about to sit, or even pull earrings from girls' ears. But believe me, deep inside me, I never had the slightest intention of hurting. People who are more mature like to interpret it as attention seeking. But that's not really what I'm looking for. Friendship I think. Even if I did it the wrong way. But ironically, it was precisely these kinds of things that kept me away.

I have a very bad social life. And almost no friends. If there was even once, they would only take a moment. Which means it is not togetherness that drives them to do that, but rather because they have no other reason. There's always a group in every school, and I've never been in one of them. They are always passive and take care of themselves. And never put me in their company. At that time I did not understand if something was wrong. But I actually found out after a few years of studying in the nursing world.

Actually, this education is also not one of my wishes.And I think there are not many people who make it as a coveted job. You can imagine what their lives are like, taking care of others who are not even your own family, helping to feed, clean, motivate or care that even exceeds yourself. I know I wasn't set up for that one job. But I don't know why, but all my life, I think I've just been faced with the fact that I don't have a choice. For unlike my other sisters, when they could attend school for whatever education they wanted, my parents, they told me they had nothing to pay for my school. What is clear is that they never worked on it.

Two years of education there, then I can understand what really happened. I remember when one of my professors told us, "A child with a less happy childhood, they used to do various ways to get attention, one of which was to interfere." When I first heard it, I thought I didn't know what to think either. But at about the same time, I suddenly realized that it was a character that existed in myself.

I know this isn't a new reality for me. And obviously, I've heard it many times too. But I don't know why, but I think only this time I've taken it seriously. And it's like we're talking about someone who's not normal in the world right now, someone with a mistake in his brain, but unfortunately, I'm just one of the people they're referring to. I suddenly felt like a strange person, someone with an unnatural personality. That answers all about my poor social skills, about why people stay away from me, the things that make me alone. It's not because I don't want to bond well. I did, of course. As a social creature. But I always fail when I try to adapt it to the real world. I suddenly saw that was some kind of disgrace to me. A glitch. Which I can't cover anymore.

I might be able to accept if the reason was because my parents died. In this way, I can take this as a reason, right? At least, I won't look for a figure I might blame. But reality never said that. Which instantly makes me angry.

A few years after my vocational education ended, I started trying to apply for some kind of job. But finding a job in this country is certainly not an easy matter. Even being the best in class is hardly a guarantee. I worked as a cafe guard several times, worked as a cashier, or even a salesman in one of the motorcycle show rooms, which obviously had nothing to do with the qualifications I had at the time. I know it's not the job I've been dreaming of. Until it all ends with a dismissal.

I have tried a job that is suitable for my actual field, by entering the application many times. To almost every private hospital, or fortune in a government hospital, or even the clinics I've seen on the roadside. But it all just ended in rejection. Some people might say about money, family. For a moment, I might not care. But once again time made me aware, if I didn't make any changes at all to myself. And in addition to all the above, there are still more questions that I have to face myself. "Go to work there! Look at the vacancies in the newspaper, so hospital honorary or what!" What my mother used to say. I never said anything during those times. And of course, I still hate him. It's like he's trying to throw me out now.

But it's good for me.

October 2009, I think that's where the way out of all my problems is visible. When the government finally opened the Civil Service vacancy again. And just like the other applicants, who were easily affected by the euphoria of work needs, I also did not find a single reason not to apply. Being a civil servant sounds cool. But I'm not stupid. I knew my debt would be very small if I enrolled myself in Bandung. So it was because of this that I then thought of leaving Bandung immediately.

My first choice was to go to Borneo. I don't know why, but that's all that comes to my mind. Somewhere secluded, with lots of wilderness, and of course there are a number of towns. With a small population. I didn't say anything to my family. And of course, we haven't talked about it lately. Moreover, the plan was meant as retaliation. I considered the idea for a few days. And in the end my choice was clear, if I had to defy my own courage.

Flights to Kalimantan almost felt empty. Just old memories I remember all the way. Which got stronger as I left home. With my eyes constantly glazed over, I could only stare out the window. Imagine my life without direction. At the airport, when the plane had just landed, I saw people stepping with their life goals. I guess I'm the only one who doesn't feel it. I have no friends or family in this new land, which makes me feel like an outsider in this world.

It feels quite heavy of course, when I have to fight for everything alone. But I've been through hard times for most of my life. And I didn't have the slightest choice to stop. Two weeks passed, when the reception had just begun, I did not waste my time not registering immediately. Then follow all the prescribed procedures, before waiting for a few more months. But for this I know that God always has a plan for me. And when my name was listed as one of her graduates, I didn't know what else was waiting for me in the future.

Welmina, that's where it says about my place of duty. A place that is no more than 10 square km. There were no highways, no signals or even electricity (signals and electricity only existed in the late 2010s), with the entire region still restricted by wilderness. Even the day still feels like a dead city. There was no entertainment or anything like that. Even the small shop was closed before eight in the evening. But what makes me think of course is the choice of residents to settle there. When sane people prefer to go to the city, they proudly choose to survive. Applying what they often call "Living in their own village is better than living in the land of people." Although in this day and age such words seem to be of no value anymore.

Actually, I didn't come alone. There are at least eleven more people whose fate is exactly like mine. They are discarded simply because of who they are. I think everyone has heard of it. Noble slogans, often used to describe current civil servants. Those who are said to be state servants, public servants, a very good publicity to illustrate if this job is a great job. Even in reality I can't see it that way.

Let me tell you, if in fact we were ever promised if the placement was based on ranking. And that means I won't have to see the interior as most people avoid. But it is clear that officials always like to lie. Those who like to use their power to be treated special or something. I could even see that from those who got the best places, then after seeing their family as a whole, everything made my reasoning look very relevant. There were even a number of people who never set foot in his workplace, but because of his father who was indeed an influential person in the area, he never got punished or anything. Until then all that was heard from him was the news that suddenly moved to the big city. The reality that proves that life is never fair.

To be honest, I don't want to make this an excuse either. But it is precisely these kinds of things that make us not love this job anymore. Even in the early days we worked. We can do it by ditching work. Applying what we call "Taking Justice". I know it all might sound like a justification to you. But it is not very fair, is it not, if all the mistakes are only inflicted on us? Because we were not the first to start. The problem is that of course things like that actually make us have to be involved with more problems. One of them was Otto himself. He's our superior at Welmina. The person I think is the worst person on earth.

"I've worked here for decades, but I've never been like you! Have you never looked at me? The employees here are the people of choice, the achievers!" He said, pointing towards himself. Before showing a number of charters that he had received. One of them is an exemplary officer. The words I've heard almost a million times.

I could have sworn, he almost always repeated the same words in every moment he got angry before us. Before alluding to responsibility, rules, or even more crazy is to ask us to make it an example. Something that sounds impossible to us. I mean, it's true that he was an exemplary officer in his old days. But in the present, such a reality cannot be taken as pride anymore.

I don't know if Otto can understand us or not. Which I think is something I can hardly imagine. Although she actually has a child. He is also an employee and works in the interior. But of course, it's not time for me to talk about this. And again, it seems like everyone who has a position is almost always the same. Those who always like to use their power at all costs. Otto is not an exception either. Everyone could even see that from the health projects that went into this place. When the government issued a large amount of funds, but the funds then disappeared mysteriously. And although everyone knew the matter, it also seemed that no one would dare to bring him into the realm of law. The same fear that most people face. So when he starts talking a lot about discipline, I don't think he's worth it at all.

Even he who became an exemplary officer was also I think just a coincidence. In the eighties when he told me, the truth is that employees in those days were very rare. Therefore are chosen those who devote themselves in remote places. The number can be counted on the fingers. So what's more to be proud of if the win is like, you know, "competing with himself". Maybe the good of him is only hours of his office that is famous for being diligent. Even on holidays he can come to the office early in the morning. And don't tell me I made it up.

Once, while I was still sleeping enjoying a beautiful holiday morning, he suddenly stood in front of the house, banged on the door not knowing himself, and then grumbled at it because he was late to the office. But when I said it was a holiday, I thought he didn't know where to put his face anymore. Amazingly, that idiot always had a reason to avoid. By putting others' mistakes every chance. Then once was my friend Vira who had to remind him that the day was a holiday. In fact he went to sound the toa many times because the office was completely empty. But this time the reason is the kids on the front page. "They play as they please, make the yard fall apart." As soon as Vira told me. Fortunately, Vira is a little smart here, by making him cornered because of the uniform he wears. In the end, he could go nowhere.

To be honest, we also don't care about the power that he misused, but when he started hurting us in life, then we couldn't just stay silent right? Especially after he dared to cut our salaries arbitrarily. It instantly made us feel like we lost respect. Behind him, we like to call him "The Wide-Broody Fool". You know, 'cause her hair looks minimal. I think because the forehead is what looks so greedy, to dare to plunder the area that should be overgrown with hair. In fact, we called it karma for him. I mean, because it's his bad attitude toward us that causes his hair to fall out faster.

Lastly, we developed an even crazier way to mock Otto. By making a game to laugh it off. Me and my friend Erik, somehow managed to find a picture of Otto when he was young. Maybe thirty years old in my opinion, but the fact that surprised him was the old man's hair that had fallen out a long time ago. We then copied the photo, printed it on cardboard, before making it a dart game. Even make it a betting ground.

I guess everyone here doesn't like it. The person we always hoped to die in a horrible way, but was given a long life. Imagine how unfair it is to live in this world. The only person who still pays respect to him seems to be Randy. Even though he actually had a reason to do that.

Randy is the kind of person who shrewdly looks up in front of important people. Maybe that's why he's been able to stay in office for so long. As the main treasurer who certainly gave a lot of benefits to Otto. Me and my friends, like to relate to both of them as father and son. You know, because both hair fashions do look similar. I don't know why, but these days there are a lot of people who experience early baldness. Of course he can't know about this. But if he knew, too, I don't think that would change how we feel about him.

I know if what we're doing is outrageous. Especially if you see who and what our status is before him.But someone is not respected because they are older or his position is not?I'm not saying older people don't deserve respect. Anything can lose that respect so easily. By catalain, if someone is always nice to you, then the world will be kind to him.

In any case, the crisis of our respect for Otto could have treated our disappointment a little bit while we were here. And I also know that on the basis of those attacks we will never make peace. Even if I had to fight with him for life, I don't think it would be a problem. But that's not what happened then.

I don't want you guys to think if we suddenly turn diligent or anything like that. And of course, it wasn't Otto's encouragement that made us do this. Except because of the presence of another figure. It turned out to be Otto's own son.

So as I told you, if Otto did have a child. And her son is a woman. There was nothing special about our first meeting either. We're just meeting, getting acquainted, that's all. I'm not even interested in knowing him any further. But everyone can show their true nature easily when Otto's descendants are mentioned.

My friends and I began to look for differences between the two. Like how they get along, the way they talk, or even the way they dress. While imagining Otto's stupidity all along. It was so nice to imagine Sarah suddenly coming to the office during the midday holiday. It's just that such equations were never found. Perhaps the only interesting thing is the fact that he is the transfer officer to Welmina. Because as I said, when everyone is racing to go to the big city, he just leaves all that comfort and chooses to live here. Which for us is almost like exchanging happiness for hardship itself. But the fruit never falls far from the tree, right? And of course, we never talked about that either. At least not by Sarah's ear. Although we can sometimes be outrageous, but we can still keep the feeling. Although I'm not too sure either.

At first, I thought Sarah would have a little trouble hanging out with us. Remembering who was his father. But it turns out he can do it easily. Including us who sometimes still talk about it behind the back. I guess everyone can cover his face well here. And again the fact if the appearance is also not too ugly, even including beautiful if you really pay attention. Which I think is a positive thing again in our eyes.

I know most of my friends just show it to play around. Before finding what they call a "chance to have fun". You understand what I mean, right? After all, working while seducing girls remains a fun activity. Maybe the only one who's serious about pursuing Sarah is Randy himself. He has even shown his aggressive side since he first came here. In addition to his closeness with his father, which of course will give him more ease.

And again believe me, there is no feeling of liking at first sight. I just trust him more on time. There is one more thing that is a burden to my feelings. I don't think I want to lose face when I hang out with my friends. Especially because of the sarcastic that I have always done.

However, of course I don't want to say if we then suddenly cross paths. And I also didn't say if I suddenly acted rudely to her. I think I just like to show my indifference. It's just that I don't if my cynical attitude is about to change. All of which will happen soon.