A Memorandum

Storia 18: Explanations

He didn't know what to do then. Not when his emotions are bad. Even just talking is painful. All he wanted was to be aloof from this world. To be invisible. Because what he feels now, it seems no longer a matter of heartache. Except also disgrace. Betrayed by the woman he loved so much in the presence of his friends, accepting the fact that he would marry someone else, was certainly the best path to depression. And still, he was still waiting for his explanation there. A reality he won't get easily. The answer will never come until they meet.

At the end of the week, exactly six days before Sarah's wedding then took place, Ryan deliberately waited for her at their last meeting place. In the same place where Sarah took her to the river bank at that time. He also chose the exact same location for her. Right under the big acacia tree with one long bench just below it.

The day had just passed, and the sky was no longer as bright as it had been a while before. The air temperature may be around 26 degrees Celsius. Although it won't rain at that time. He didn't even have to wait for half an hour or so. Ryan knows if this is a bad place for both of them, and a bad time if Sarah decides to come, but it will all get brighter from here. This will be the end of their relationship.

But that's where he is now. A woman with black hair. This time with a little makeup on her face. His skin looked even fresher than he had ever seen before. He could feel the fragrance from his body as they neared. It was as if he had just undergone a certain treatment. Maybe pre-wedding treatment. That fact suddenly made his heart feel heavy. And the distance that had previously shrunk between them suddenly seemed to widen again.

None of them spoke immediately when they came face to face. For a moment, it all felt absurd now, it didn't feel appropriate. It is obvious that this meeting should not have happened. All of those facts suddenly made him realize, if now they are just strangers like always.

“Hai... Sarah,” he said finally. And for the first time when she heard his voice, it seemed Sarah also did not know how to behave. “I'm sorry for asking you to meet like this. I know you're very busy, but I'm very grateful that you're considering it. It's very important to me. You must understand what I mean, right?”

Sarah only glanced at him at a glance, and gave no answer, before looking down again. Obviously trying to calm the emotions that were currently turbulent, even though all of that would not actually have an effect. But Ryan knew he just wanted to get it done as quickly as possible. Even after her last words, Sarah still did not say anything. Ryan then sat down. Sarah began to follow him.

“So it's true?” Ask, straight to the point. “After today, we won't be able to meet again? I mean freely.”

“Ya..., I think so.”

His heart ache heard that. And without even looking at her, Sarah already knew what her response was like. As he asked, “Why?”

“I never know the reason, Sarah. I want to hear it directly from you. You spent most of your time with me, you made me promise to make you happy, but now, you're suddenly married to someone else. Have you planned everything?” Reciprocity.

He could feel her words momentarily hovering in the air, while imagining Sarah how to answer them. But then again, he did not also give the response he had needed. And she could see Sarah folding her lips later. Before shaking his head.

“I don't know how to explain it, Ryan. It's not what you think! Everything suddenly became complicated like this.” Legally.

“I mean? Why don't you just be honest with me? Why don't you say it in a language I can easily understand? Did your father make you have to do this?”

“No. My dad had nothing to do with this. After all this is not about being frank, Ryan.” Sahut again in a small tone. But Ryan was already too disappointed to know he was still trying to hide the reality. It was as if he was trying to avoid. And his eyes kept staring down, until he continued again.

“I mean, you have misunderstood me from the beginning. We never had any relationship. We're just friends.” This time, looking into his eyes. Which instantly made his mind shaken.

Ryan pulled himself back, suddenly taking a moment to clear his mind, and also a little distance. It was like that in front of him. If all the closeness they had during the play was nothing more than a charade.

“How can you talk like that?” Then sahut. Can barely hold himself anymore.

“It's just... We are never more than that right? You know, all this time I've been friends with anybody. And it's not like we're dating or anything like that, but we've been friends for a long time. Until he finally proposed to me..”.

“And you took it for granted?”

Sarah did not return. Ryan knew he would say yes. And he went back on. “I understand now.” He said, and again he nodded. “So that's how it turns out, all this means to you. You're just playing around with all the men around you, but once you get what you want, you just walk away? That's what you've been planning all along.”.

“No..,”

“Then why Sarah? Why did everything suddenly happen? Why didn't you say it from the beginning? Is that really the real story?”

This time he began to emphasize his voice on her speech. And for the first time since they've been there, Sarah is beginning to look. Makes her seem to think once to answer. Although at such a short time anyway, for some reason, Ryan saw it like he wanted to cry.

And that's where he understands if anyone is weighing on his mind right now. Things that also hurt her. And he couldn't keep urging her without not making her feelings even more hurt. That was why he tried to change his conversation in an even more subtle way.

“Listen Sarah, can I see it's heavy for you? And I also know that you feel burdened by it all. But I mean, if this is happening because you have to force your feelings, maybe I can help. We can find a way out together. I promise.” Said him. Try to make his tone sound as confident as possible. “Your wedding? You didn't do it because you'd be happy, right?” Then continue again.

To be honest, that was all that came to his mind. And the only reason was of course because of his father again. Especially after seeing his father's attitude later. That fact makes it seem more reasonable.

There was a pause before he spoke again. “No. I did this because of my decision?”

“Then what does all this mean?” The reply was gentle, demanding it back. “Why are you talking as if there's nothing to worry about from us? Why can you act so calm? Did you really intend to play me from the beginning.?”.

The situation is getting more emotional now. And Ryan could see his eyes blushing as Sarah looked back at him. Which sometimes also contains..., regrets maybe? Which he cannot explain.

“Because you will soon hate me.” Then he answered. “I know that. And I don't want us to be hostile. I don't want you not to talk to me anymore. I don't want our relationship to break down because of all this. I mean our friendship..”

That answer sounds painful. And he wasn't sure the answer really answered all the questions he asked her. Although for some reason these words have a point.

This time, Ryan did not answer. Instantly made him unconsciously stand up. Sarah suddenly looked back at him.

“It doesn't always happen that way..” He said, when he can talk again. “You know how I feel, right? It wasn't you who made me like this, Sarah. Do you understand what you're saying? We've been involved too far now. And we have no reason to just take it off, do we? What we have is too beautiful to forget. I can't imagine you living your life with someone else.”

At first glance, he still saw the doubt from his eyes. Gentle eyes, which he wished he could stare at her for life. And he won't hesitate to make all those doubts go away. Then again, he was still trying to make her happy. By taking what was then holding his heart and mind.

“I'm sorry for continuing to urge you, Sarah.” He said, once again starting. “I know I made you uncomfortable. But all this because I'm really scared of losing you, really. I just want us to live together. There is nothing I want but to live the rest of my life with you. I've even said it a lot, haven't I? You're the only one I want. I know I wasn't a good man before, but I'm completely changed now. You're the one who turned me in like this. I don't care what people will say later, and I promise to make you always happy. But I need your answer. So, would you consider it one more time for me?” Soft words. Words that came through his heart.

But for some reason, Ryan still felt it was not enough. He lowered his body in front of him, placed his hands on his shoulders, making them look at each other. Even she could see the afternoon light refracting in her beautiful eyes.

“Sarah, can we promise to keep telling the truth from now on. You and me. I won't be disappointed. Whatever you say.” And then, before he asked again. “Is your marriage right now your wish, Sarah? I mean, you didn't do it because you had to, did you?”

He waited a little before answering again. He still seems to have trouble with his own words. “No,” but said bitterly.

“You sure of what you said? I can help you if you want. I'm not just gonna run away. You know, right, while it's still there?”

“Ya,”. “I mean yes and no. This wedding, this is really my choice. And I can't cancel it again.”

Head jerks. And he started to stand up, instantly needing a bit of distance. Until he can talk again.

“Good. I understand now.” Stop for a moment, then nod. “So that's how it's meant to me for you all along. You purposely seek pleasure with all the men around you, spread your charm, and after some of them are moved by his feelings, you take whatever you like, then just leave.” Finally, the law, can barely hold himself anymore.

And Sarah was a little surprised to respond to his response.

“No,” then sahut.

“Don't lie to me..,” this time half yelling.

“I'm not lying.”

“But the evidence is so, right? How do you avoid it now? I know you're purposely looking for fun from there. Of all the people you've ever been close to. And you seem to enjoy all this, right? It's not even a burden to you in the slightest. I can see you now. You're just shrewd at pretending.”

Sarah is back. “I never meant it, Ryan..” His voice is weakening.

“Then what?” Now he's back to snarling. Just this time he raised his tone. But it's too late to stop. “If not, this must be because of your father, right? I know he forced you..” Continue again.

“This has nothing to do with my father, Ryan.”.

“But the reason makes sense, right?” The reply, and he smiled faintly. “Let me tell you, Sarah! Your father, he never even liked me. That's why he never showed his pleasure when we were together... All of this is absolutely ridiculous.”.

“Don't say anything about my father, Ryan..!” Reply Sarah now. And he's starting to get riled up.

Ryan continued. And it was easier to blow it, when he was really disappointed.

“The only reason that makes the most sense is he who just follows his own desires. If not for that, then for what reason again?”

“Stop..!”

“I know you must be on her side. But you should know, everyone never even liked it. What's with this sad place? Why are all primitive thoughts still here?” He finally said it. And the tone really hurt.

But this is the source of everything, all the vexation he has long been craving. About this place, all the problems he faced, which actually had nothing to do with Sarah. Ryan knew he had gone too far. And he also felt inappropriate while continuing to suppress his feelings like this. Which makes the situation worse. Which he could not retract his words anymore.

In the end Sarah suddenly got up later, and began to follow her anger. Before pushing it with all his might.

“Do not talk lightly about my father!” His word. Increase the volume of his voice. “You don't know anything about him! I told you, no, he has nothing to do with this..?”.

“I just said it,” I said. And Sarah immediately cut him off with a headband.

“No... no.. You don't know anything about him. You don't know anything about me either. You misunderstood me from the beginning. Listen Ryan! I want to marry whoever it is my decision. No one can impose my will. And you don't get me wrong about our relationship, we've never had any relationship. We're just friends... Have I said no, before?”

He breathed again, before continuing.

“And you should also know, not just because someone is spending time with you, or wants to talk to you, or even care a little about you, then you think you like you. I never even gave you a chance. You're the one who's been misunderstanding since the beginning!” The last time, for the last time.

And again, his words hurt. He felt a strain on his jaw muscles. And he almost vented his anger right now, before he could regain control. Some people still don't believe Sarah is telling the truth. But there's no way to go any further. Which left him speechless a thousand languages.

“Then why didn't you say it in the first place?” His voice slowly weakened.

“Because you won't be ready to accept all that. I don't want you to hate me. I just want us to keep making friends. You understand me now, right?”

The words hit him back. Even he could still feel her words hanging from the ceiling of his mouth. Which he can't say anymore. For some reason, everything suddenly felt more reasonable. His kindness, his attention, all the time he was willing to spend in order to be both, all the closeness turned out to be nothing more than a charade. For a moment, he began to understand what was happening. All that understanding could even explain how he had been involved to this extent. Others still say he may feel guilty for making her suddenly like him, and don't know what else to do. In addition to just following the groove to keep the feeling even longer. But it was precisely that kind of understanding that made him even more hateful.

He just wants to get out of there now. Away from him. Whatever it is not to see it here. But instead of getting up, he never even shifted his position in the slightest. All that new reality suddenly made his body feel so heavy. And he could do nothing but wait until the silence completely stopped.

“Yes, I understand now.” In the end, that's all he said.

Sarah watched him for a moment for his last words. It's like digesting it there. But he also added nothing. In fact, if that was the worst year for her feelings, Ryan wouldn't deny it. A year went by, that was the time he needed to get to know her. And it takes six more months in life to love her. Now, however, he would even soon lose it in less than a week. He didn't know if it was some kind of karma. For what he did to his family. But I don't know. After all, no matter how much he thought of it, he would never change the reality that would happen in front of them.

And he immediately felt a cold air blowing between their legs just now. The branches that were roaring in the wind were also getting louder. Even the river water started to slightly raise its waves now. The orange sky slowly lit up from the West. While the black clouds that have since arrived began to thicken.

Three months ago, he really still clearly remembered how he felt there in those days. They spent time in both places. The time following his natural atmosphere, everything was completely no different from the one he had previously remembered. Except for his feelings at both times. And remembering it now suddenly made his world instantly turn hollow.

Deep down, Ryan always hoped Sarah would agree to his question. When he asked if he did it because he had to. It seems like it's much better than forever being played with, shamed. Even if what he said was a lie. But this is what he got. And he couldn't have expected it more.

“I'm sorry, Ryan. I... I also regret.” He said again, suddenly breaking the silence between them. “I understand you'll hate me, I won't blame you. But this is completely out of our joint control.” His voice sounded hoarse and fragile. “I don't think I'm good enough for you. And you'll definitely get a much better woman. Ii'm sorry. Really.”

Ryan did not return his words, for his last words. Anger, hatred, and he had so many reasons to hate her all the time. Even though for the most painful moment, she still could not erase that feeling of love for him.

“I have to go, Ryan. You know, I'm not supposed to be here? And...,” he then stopped. “You also don't need to forgive me if it's hard for you. But again I say, I'm really very sorry.”

And finally, he actually left now. Not to go back again. Some of her still wanted to call him when he started to get far away. Yet he could only shout it inside his own head. So this is when their story should end. The rain began to fall from the sky. For some reason, this rain never stops.

Forever.