Waiting for the Light to Return
Chapter 4 - The Passion of the Light
“You sure you want to marry a doctor, Wi?”
In the days of marriage, this sentence often stopped in my ears.
It starts with Sari.
“With doctor ‘kan long get the money, Wi. They have to koas, then practice in a small clinic first. If you want a big salary, you have to be a specialist. The specialist must be 4 years of his own. Ih, I am ogah ya.”
Nia.
“Wi, Wi. Could it be that you just once in your life chose correctly? Already working as a teacher, uh choose a doctor partner. Hold it left behind? If someday is missing but the husband is called to IGD how?”
Nadiena (Vice Principal of Junior High School Lumbung Padi International at that time as well as my true friend).
“You sure, Wi? Doctors and teachers may indeed be similar fronts of struggle. We are different worlds, Wi. Different time zones. We are busy from morning to evening, the doctor is busy from afternoon to morning. You strong, Wi?”
Even from Windra himself.
“Babe, are you sure? Are you sure you want to marry me? You know that at many times, I will prioritize Hippocratic Oath over our marriage vows, ‘kan?”
Well, I already know all of these long before them.
I already knew all the risks and worst case scenarios that could happen if I linked my future with a doctor.
I knew that my Windra would not be entirely mine.
I knew that I had to let myself go to someone else who needed it, even when I was in dire need of his presence.
I have asked myself countless times and I always get the same answer from the heart.
I ready.
I trained myself early on.
When my college friends spent the weekend dating to the Blitz Megaplex or XXI, I have to be willing to sit still at home and let go of missing BBM chat which is rare because he is on guard at IGD hospital.
When my friends were dating by lunch together and looking friendly to each other, I had to watch Windra fall asleep exhausted in the cafe chair in the rare times we could date.
And I’m okay, perfectly okay.
In the years of our marriage, too.
The third night we got married, when other couples spent a day cuddling or picnicking to Bali, Windra spent an entire day at her work clinic dealing with 5 cases of dengue hemorrhagic fever.
Especially 6 months later, when he took a specialist neurology education at Padjajaran University.
I remember our conversation at the time.
“Babe?”
“Hm?”
Windra inching closer to me who was busy making power point slides on the sofa.
“What are you doing?”
Without looking, I answered.
“This, make slides for kids. Roughly what example of a problem is suitable for this huh, Babe?”
Windra frowned staring at the screen.
“This is what material, Babe?”
I sipped some fruit juice for a while before replying.
“Social arithmetic. I want to teach the kids about the net gross price that way. Any ideas?”
Windra thought for a moment, then said.
“Hmm... What yes? Which is trending among children now what? I don't understand either. Rainbow pastries are so, maybe?”
I smiled and kissed her cheeks briefly.
“Good idea. Thank you yes.”
Windra smiled back.
“Sama-sama.”
Silent for a moment, Windra called out to me again.
“Babe?”
“Hm?”
He was serious.
“I... I'd like to get a specialist, Babe?”
I stopped my activities and turned my body to face him fully.
“What specialist, Babe? Over where? When is the plan?”
Windra laughs.
“You're like dr. Bimo who was asking about group research only.”
I hit his arm.
“Windra! Just answer me, hurry!”
He smiles.
“Iya, yes. The plan is in Unpad (Padjajaran University) again, Babe. I want neurology. You know ‘kan I really want to understand more about how the brain works. Can you imagine, Babe? A grey matter weighs only a few pounds, but in it there are emotions, desires, imagination, and feelings. Sometimes we even get inspiration from the One Above there! It's magical, ‘kan?”
Watching her so enthusiastically as a child recounting her favorite toy, how could I possibly refuse?
I know agreeing to a specialist education for him means our family income will be reduced over the next 4 years.
This means that the time will be less to be at home.
I had to face my pregnancy almost alone.
Unknowingly, my hand stroked my stomach gently and Windra noticed it.
Guilty enough, he said.
“But if you disagree, it's okay, Wi. I can wait.”
I pulled his hand and placed it on my stomach.
“Win, it's only the first month, so my stomach isn't so big yet. But there's life in here, Win. Our son.”
I looked at him straight and smiled confidently.
“Don’t you dare backing down on your dreams in our child’s presence, Win. Don’t you even dare.”
Windra smiled and kissed me deeply.
“I’m so lucky to have you, Babe.”
Why am I so sure?
Quite simple. Three point principle.
If there are two points that are opposite, the best way to unite the two points is to make one other point that will be a common goal.
Then draw a line from the two opposite points to the destination point.
I believe that although Windra and I differ in reading topics (i'm about algebra and fractions, he's about neurophysiology and cerebrovascular disease), time zones, and stress levels, but if we had one common goal, we wouldn't be separated.
And that goal is family.
Our families.
At least that's what I thought before, before finding out that he had other goals that he didn't share with me.
I don't know what purpose he pursued to dump me like this.
I always supported her to pursue her dreams wherever she wanted, but she supported me after I was hurt...
...
Damn.
This kind of contemplation is not a good morning mind.
It must have appeared because I cried all night and only slept three hours.
I woke up from Tia's bed with a sore body from head to toe.
Want to lie down all the time here with the remains of our memories, but the time has shown at 05:30.
I gotta get up.
***
“Mbak?”
“Hm?”
“Today I was Mbak's driver all day, huh?”
I got choked on milk hearing it.
“Hah? No, Dhar! You ‘kan just came home yesterday. Jetlag, please. Just sleep you. If you want to go for a walk, Mbak will accompany you later in the afternoon after from the store, yes.”
Andhara.
“It's okay, Ma'am. I can sleep in the car too. Cook Maak refused to have a driver as handsome as this?”
I laugh.
“Halah, you want to go between Mbak because you want to see intern teachers ‘kan?”
Andhara.
“Which apprentice teacher is yes, Ma'am? I can't remember. All I remember is that pretty Indo-Blaster teacher. What's his name, Ma'am?”
I got up, walked, and patted his head with a roll of newspaper.
“That's Miss Sea, Dhar. I'm getting married to him. Don't fuck with you, yeah.”
Andhara stroked her head while pretending to frown.
“What a hell, Ma'am. I ‘kan just kidding.”
I laughed as I took my briefcase.
Andhara chased me with a question.
“So I can yes, Ma'am? So your driver?”
I breathed deeply.
Thank God with all my heart.
I was not left so alone.
***
“Oh yes, Ma'am. I saw the store report yesterday. This month's profit is somewhat decreased huh? -2% you know, Ma'am. Must be handled immediately nih.”
I leaned my head against the passenger seat. It's good to be smothered like this too.
“Oh. Down huh? Later in the store Mbak talk with Lastri deh.”
Andhara glanced at me and sighed.
“Mbak, I know that Mbak didn't sleep last night. Maybe just a few hours of sleep. I've also heard from Mbok Jem that it happened not just one two days.”
I closed my eyes and did not answer.
Andhara said again.
“You have to take care of yourself, Ma'am. I honestly feel hurt to see this. If my time is not here, who takes care of you, Ma'am?”
I snorted amusedly.
“My sister is already big, huh? Already able to take care of his Mbak apparently.”
Andhara did not laugh.
“Mbak, I'm serious. I'm sorry I had to talk like this, ma'am. But when do you want to torture yourself like this? Mas Windra..”.
“Enough”, cut me.
I was massaging my temples that were starting to sting.
Opening my eyes, I tried to insert an apology into my smile.
“Sorry earlier Ma'am cut you yes, Dhar. But Mama is okay. Thank you yes, my dear sister.”
I waved as Andhara took my car away.
Left me standing still at the school gate.
With Andhara's words ringing in my head.
“You till when Mbak tortures himself like this?”
This question, I can't answer it.
***
The San Filippo Syndrome Type C. Ever heard that name?
I didn't either.
I heard it for the first time in Dr. Rahmadi Rishjad, Sp. N. at Hasan Sadikin Hospital Bandung.
Side by side with Windra, my hand in his hand.
Listen dr. Rahmadi tried to explain the results of his observations on Tia.
...
Damn. This is not the time to recall this.
Not when I'm sitting in a monthly staff meeting.
“Thank you for the report, Mr. Andrews. Now we hear the report from Student Affairs. Please, Ma’am Dewi.”
I nodded briefly at the instructions of Nadiena, my best friend who is now sitting as the Headmaster.
“Thank you, Ma’am Nadiena. So, teachers, here are our upcoming activities. Starting from the Parent’s Day. So I got advice from Mr. Josh, (i nod at one of my most reliable Student staff) Parent’s Day this month we will make a different. We'll have kids create a vlog with their parents, a simple daily activity. This will be contested and the best vlog in each class will be aired..”.
...
My brain and lips continue to collaborate in delivering amazing presentations while my heart aches to the blood every time I mention the word ‘parents’.
One title I lost because of a rare neurological disease that took away my beloved daughter.
I remember the panic that struck me when Mbok Jem woke me up at one in the morning.
“Bu! Sir! Tia convulsing!”
Windra and I in the blink of an eye got up and ran to his room.
Observing the situation, Windra immediately ran over and tilted our daughter's body.
“Wi! Call an ambulance now!”
In a flash of panic, Windra held Tia up, lifted her up to the ambulance, and we walked her up to the IGD.
The team of doctors took over immediately and we were asked to wait.
Shocked to limp in all the joints, I was barely able to stand.
Windra hugged and whispered words of encouragement to me, while she struggled with her own panic.
“Quiet yes, Dear. Calm. Tia's never been like this before, ‘kan? Maybe it was just a fever and seizures. Will be alright. It will be alright.”
...
It didn’t.
Because it's not an ordinary seizure.
It was the first symptom of the disease that took away his ability to speak slowly.
It took away all the memories in his body.
Memory will be how to eat, how to read, how to walk.
...
Eventually, his body forgot how to breathe.
The San Filippo Syndrome Type C.
Non-drug disease affects 1 in every 100,000 children each year.
Illness that makes me, a helpless mother, have to feel the coldness of my own daughter's hand.
A disease that cost me the chance to do Parent’s Day with my daughter for good.
Without being able to do anything.
“You till when Mbak tortures himself like this?”
Maybe forever.
Because that's all I can do for my daughter.
