Waiting for the Light to Return
Light
Rawindra
I don't know how much ‘thank you’ said from my lips.
I don't know how many tears have been shed.
I don't know how many hands I've held in the funeral home today.
“Windra, sorry, ya”, cried Nadien.
“If need anything, just contact yes, do not hesitate”, gently pat dr. Rahmadis.
“Pak Windra, sorry. God who gives comfort yes, Pak”, Josh's hands.
“Mas Windra, stay strong, ya”, isak Sea.
...
Wow, Wi.
If only you could see this.
The line of students and alumni who from the morning have been waiting to pay your last respects.
Rows of coworkers who were crying were crushed to see you fall asleep in your last bed.
A wave of families who come in loss, scrambling to present the last song for you.
You are one hell of a woman, Wi.
Your light is so bright that all these people feel lost as soon as you leave.
You who gave them warmth and joy now leave them cold and lonely.
...
Even until...
“Win”, slow voice calling.
I'm turning. Andra's right there.
His face bowed in fear, he extended a hesitant handshake.
“A... I'm sorry for everything... Me...”
I shake it and smile thinly.
“All is forgiven, Dra.”
He was surprised, then smiled with relief.
Soon he added.
“Win, if you need anything. Anything at all. Call me.”
I'm nodding.
“Thanks, Dra.”
...
After wave after wave of arrivals ended, I stood alone in the middle of the room.
Walking over to the ornate white coffin that covered your body, Wi.
Sighing, I touched it.
Now what, Wi?
Now what do I do after you're gone?
After you and Tia left, what else is the meaning of my life?
***
I almost decided to stay at the funeral home tonight.
My energy ran out, my emotions drained.
The clock showed me at 23:55 when I opened the door.
The once warm and familiar house now looks dark and foreign.
Next to my hand held the Goddess's belongings from the hospital, next to throw the keys of the house and the original car onto the sofa.
Powerlessly walking far away, I also dropped to the sofa.
Massage forehead tight.
Blank.
The funeral service will be held at 08:00 tomorrow.
Beside Tia, my Goddess will be laid forever.
...
And I was tempted to come in and immerse myself there.
The ringing of the phone vibrates calling from inside the pocket.
Groping and picking up, astonished at the flashing name on the screen.
“Halo, Bu?”
From across the street, the warm voice hugged.
“Windra, have you gone home, Son?”
I held my sitting position and answered.
“Already, Mom. Mom hasn't slept?”
Mother answered lightly.
“In a moment, I want to check on you first. You all right, son? I told you earlier so you could stay at Mom's house tonight.”
I smiled tired.
“It's okay, Mom. I don't bring clothes either.”
A moment, and then Mom said again.
“If you want to talk, I'm ready, son. You son. Until whenever you're my son.”
Breathless. My eyes feel hot.
“Iya Ma'am, I rest first huh, Ma'am. Mother also do not sleep too late.”
Mother replied.
“Iya. See you tomorrow, son. Oh... Nak?”
“Ya, Bu?”, my question.
A few seconds passed in silence, then Mother suddenly said.
“Mother envies the love of you two. I'm sure many feel that way too. The love between you and the Goddess is strong and deep. Not many people are lucky enough to feel it. Thank you for that, son.”
...
“Iya Ma'am. Thank you.”
Stretching my back against the sofa, I looked blankly at the ceiling.
...
I know, Mom.
I know my love and the Goddess are very much to be grateful for.
That's why it all feels heavier.
Because I wish I had more time to thank him.
...
Waving my eyes to expel my tears, I set my breath.
Maybe it's time I went to bed.
Maybe by sleeping I can meet the Goddess again like that time.
Maybe I can hear her voice again, touch her again.
Just as I made up my mind, my gaze fell onto a white envelope sticking out in the front pocket of the Goddess's luggage.
Curious, I reached out and brought the envelope before my eyes.
“To my dearest husband, dr. Rawindra”
Iopenit.
Goddesses
Hi, Sweetheart.
Uhm, honestly, I'm confused what to open this article with.
I'm not a good writer, not a cool story teller like you.
So I just started, yeah.
...
I want to apologize, Win.
Apologizing for everything.
Maybe my sin of cheating can never be forgiven.
Perhaps my sin of burying you as my husband in the past year will not be forgiven at all times.
But especially, I want to apologize for not being honest with you.
...
I already have a feeling it's time.
This is it.
It won't be long before I have to leave you.
And that sucks, huh?
You just got home and we made up.
Just now we're making out like we used to.
That sucks's. Big time's. But how else?
The One Above must have its own timeline.
I don't know if it's tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or even the next second.
That's why I decided to write this letter.
Before I got worse and I forgot everything.
As long as I remember what my name is, who I love, and who loves me.
I want to write this.
...
Damn, Win.
Why is this so hard?
I'm not ready at all.
I'm not ready to go, I'm not ready to leave you.
I want to be here forever, Win.
Sitting in the dim lights of the room, watching you sleep beside me.
8 Years we've been married, there's never been a night I've missed without waking up because of you.
Your step when you just entered the room, the taste of your lips when you kissed me in the morning, or your incredible snoring.
But I like it, Win.
I love that so much.
And it hurts to think that I'll never wake up like that again.
...
I'm sorry, Win.
I was venting like this.
Sorry for the tears in this letter.
...
Well, look at me.
Speak up after promising to go straight to the main point.
Well, the point is this, Win.
I understand why you have to leave after Tia we leave.
I still have a hard time accepting it, but I'm slowly getting it.
It was typical of you once, Win.
Do something with a secret plan.
But I believe that what you do is the best.
So you don't have to blame yourself, honey.
Maybe there will be people who blame you, but don't listen.
I've forgiven you.
My love for you has not diminished at all because of that.
...
But if I'm honest, Win...
If we are allowed to go back and vote that day...
I want to choose a different path.
I'd rather live a year with no hope of healing with you than have any hope of recovery without you.
Because what does it mean to live if I'm not with you, Win?
You are my whole world.
From the first time you met until today, you were the only one for me.
But again, I'm not angry.
Maybe this has to happen, so we can learn.
I learned to persevere in love and you learned to be open in love.
Maybe we failed here and there, the name is also learned.
But most importantly, we are here now.
Love each other like before. Without anger or hatred between us.
This is more than enough for me in these last days.
...
Win, to this day I've forgotten a lot.
I forgot the names of some of my coworkers who visited me.
I forgot how to sleep.
I forgot that I hate strawberry jam.
But one thing I'm grateful for, I still remember the most important thing.
You remember ‘kan, Win?
Either fate or what...
Our names both mean the same thing.
My adhisti means light, your Rawindra means sun.
That is why we give the name Jyotika to our Tia, our light.
This is what I'm trying to tell you, honey.
You are our sun.
You are our source of strength.
Me and Tia, we can be good people until now because of you.
You've always been our idol, honey.
Your service, your devotion to others.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s so sexy for me.
Don't ever lose it, honey.
Maybe after this your path will be dark.
You will walk alone.
But remember this, honey.
The sun cannot lose its light.
Your light is always in you.
Me and Tia, we're in you forever.
Because you are our home.
Where we came home.
Where we take shelter.
Where we feel safe.
...
Crap, I'm crying again.
Okay, Win. I will not continue my writing anymore.
I'm afraid I can't help but cry and wake you up tonight.
...
The end of the word, dear.
Stay strong.
We will always be with you.
Love, though,
Your hot and lovely wife.
Goddesses.
Rawindra
Open letter, close to chest.
I'm rested.
I wept.
