Waiting for the Light to Return

Unchanged

Goddesses

Those words resonated in the room, between the two of us.

All the way here, I've prepared all kinds of word order.

My mental notes are already filled with a list of sentences such as :

“Win, this is too much for me.”

“We'd better split up from now.”

“I can't, Win. I can't see you just yet. Maybe forever never will.”

But received a WhatsApp message from him (“Wi, where are you, dear? I'll pick you up?”).

See cars, sandals, and all traces of his presence at home.

Smelled his scent and felt his presence.

All of it presses me in such a way that all I can tell him is just chat “No

necessary. I've been on my way home.” and words...

“I cheated with Andra.”

...

Rawindra looked at me in disbelief.

His sharp eyes examined me as if I were a new type of virus he had discovered under a microscope.

My arms hugged each other, trying to protect themselves from whatever he was going to do.

Rawindra's hand was still hanging awkwardly in mid-air as she said.

“What do you mean, Wi?”

Afraid, but wanting to finish.

I answered.

“You go, Win. You left right after Tia left. Without explanation. I've been asking for answers for over a year, Win. And you..”

It cuts.

“I know, Wi. Then let's sit down. I'll explain everything now.”

Deep breaths, the pulse in my temple is throbbing.

I answered in a toothpick.

“I'm not done talking, Win. Can you respect me a little?”

Rawindra Eyebrows. Her lips opened, ready to launch another rebuttal.

But with all his might he clenched his mouth and nodded.

I gathered my energy before saying again.

“And you never care enough to just tell me what you're doing, where you are, and when you're coming home. What wife do you think she could stand being treated that way by her husband, Win? What do you think I am? Unworthy rubbish in your life? Because of the way you treat me, Win. More than trash!”

...

My pieces of defense are collapsing.

I could feel tears flowing down from my perspective.

Reflex, Rawindra reached out to remove it.

The movement I replied with a clap of hands.

I looked into his eyes directly.

“You know what I was thinking all that time, Win? Ever crossed your brilliant brain what went on in my heart during that period? I feel worthless, Win! I know I'm not a normal person. I know I’m sick and I gave that sickness to Tia. I know that I killed our daughter!”

　

Rawindra

Each fragment he said followed in anger and screams.

His face was red, his tears were scattering, and his gaze was glaring...

I've never seen a Goddess this hateful to anyone.

Weak, I tried to touch and calm him down.

“Wi, sit down first..”

“No!”, snapped.

He came forward and pointed at my chest loudly.

“Without you remind me I feel guilty to death, Win! What do you mean you left me like that? What do you mean run to Dallas with another woman? What do you mean ‘handing my’ to your own best friend? Can you blame me for cheating on you with Andra?”

His breath burned my face.

For two seconds he squinted at me disgustedly.

Then he laughed.

“Do you have any grudges against me, Win? Because of me, your only princess lost her life, did she? Is this how you get revenge? Wow, it's indeed your mastermind once, Win. Bravo!”

I looked at him helplessly.

My whole joint feels empty to be left behind. Hollowly.

The goddess shook her head and walked away.

Dropped on the couch and leaned back.

Staring at ceiling.

“So I just got kicked out of the store ‘Moms and Us’. I sat there for hours and I thought I was at ‘Motherheart’.”

Goddesses

Rawindra immediately moved quickly and landed beside me.

“What? How did it happen? Why are you new to the story?”

I glanced at him and snorted inwardly.

Your worried expression is great, Win.

I shrugged my shoulders trembling.

“I don't want to trouble you with such little business. Maybe you're on video call with your affair in Dallas, ‘kan.”

Firmly, Rawindra clasped my arms and faced my body to her.

I'm too tired to be struggling again.

A deep wrinkle between the two eyebrows formed on his face as he said.

“Wi, I understand you are angry because I just left in a lot of secrecy. But what do you mean, Wi? What do you mean you cheated on Andra? What do you mean by ‘women in Dallas’? What

you talking?”

I grinned coldly and painfully.

“You should ask yourself that, Win. You asked Andra to check on me when you delayed your return plan. I thought you were putting off because you still hate me, uh, because there's another woman. Beautiful in her picture. What's-her-name? When did I introduce her?”

Rawindra looked at me solemnly.

“Wi, women what do you mean?”

I returned his gaze.

The words of my sullen innuendo are already forming on the tip of the tongue.

***

Frosted. Undistorted.

My eyes were myopic and my head was heavy in circles.

The lights go on and on without my mind giving meaning.

My consciousness was slow to greet my entire senses.

I tried to move my fingertips and tongue without success.

Weight. It was as if gravity was holding me in possessive force.

This...

Feels like...

“Mama!”

I coughed badly.

My ears are ringing, my nose is burning amazingly.

A few coughing and vomiting reactions later, then I can open my eyes.

“Mama!”

That little hug was the first thing I felt.

My chest was pounding, my breath was flailing as if I was drowning, I was trying to string words together.

“You okay, Babe?”

Eyes moving upwards, I found Rawindra.

Bare chest, drenched, worried.

“Mama, Mama, you’re okay, right?”

The senses and understanding began to return, I found Tia.

Hugged me tightly and cried sobbing sedan.

Rawindra breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank God you're sober. Tia, Honey. Let's help Mama wake up. Wi, you fell asleep in that chair first, yes.”

Without understanding anything, I felt myself being lifted up and wedded to my husband.

Seated in a chair that has been wrapped in dry towels.

Rawindra lifted my feet gently and dried them with a warm towel.

I just realized that I'm soaking wet too.

“A... I why, Win?”, I whispered with all my might.

Rawindra smile.

“So you drowned in the pool, Wi. Fortunately, Tia quickly realized that you were nowhere to be seen. Substantial. So I said too, before swimming should have breakfast first, Wi.”

Tia came over and thrust a glass of warm orange water into my hand.

“Ma, Mama drink first yes.”

Randomly, Rawindra took a glass from Tia's hand and helped me drink.

The glass was placed on the side table, I stared fixedly at Rawindra and Tia.

My guardian angels.

A similar smile they replied to me and they said simultaneously.

“His blood pressure how, Doc?”

My eyelids opened with more force than before.

Breathing, breathing, I try to get a sense of what is going on around me.

But the only thing that comes back in my mind is that incident.

Two years ago, at a swimming pool resort in Bali.

Me, Rawindra, and Tia.

Come with the intention of a vacation, go home with the experience of coming into contact with death.

And my tears are flowing.

I let go of the effort to understand what is happening now and concentrate only on remembering them in the past.

My sweet tia. Four years old, but very good at swimming.

His intention to try the adult pool was truly unbearable.

His heart was brilliant in his attention to me.

Oh, myGod...

My old rawindra.

My rawindra still considers me the crown of her life.

My rawindra who still loves and loves me with all her being.

“Wi?”

I'm turning.

My blurry eyes and race slowly returned.

And along with that, they came.

A cold sensation on my skin, a bright light above my head, my body weight, and Rawindra's face beside me.

He smiled and stroked my hair.

The same smile she wore when she saved me at the pool.

His gaze also said along gently.

“Thank God you're sober, baby. You collapsed at home. Thankfully I was there. Now you rest first yes, Wi.”

I didn't answer.

I can't because my tongue isn't back yet.

And I can't either because I don't know what to say.

Still smiling, Rawindra stood up.

Clasping my hand warmly, he said again.

“I promise I'll explain everything, Wi. But now the most important thing is for you to be healthy first, yes.”

He bowed his body and kissed my forehead deeply.

A reflex action I greeted with a peaceful sigh and closed my eyes.

“I want to talk to the doctor first. But I'll be right back. Don't worry yes, dear.”

His firm steps passed behind the nursing room door.

I closed my eyes back.

I wept.

I regret.