Waiting for the Light to Return
Corridors
Rawindra
“History is a reconciliation of the past with the present; otherwise it would be incomprehensible to those for whom it is written. And since the present is always in a state of flux, it follows that interpretations and judgements alter with time.”
jonathan Riley-Smith, The Crusades: A Short History (1987)
“History is a reconciliation between the past and the present; otherwise, history will not be understood by its readers. And because the present is always changing, then the understanding and assessment of history will also continue to change over time.”
- Translation of Rawindra sitting daydreaming on hospital emergency stairs -
...
Yep.
After receiving news from dr. Rahmadi and anger from Andhara, this is what I did in response.
Without the courage to go into the Goddess' room, I ran away.
Run away until you get here.
Alone in the dark, only accompanied by photos of the past that I kept staring at.
Drowning in history and its new meanings for me in the present.
Take this photo for example.
Loaded me in a slim-fit batik shirt and black trousers and the Goddess in her knee-length batik canal dress.
His perfect long black hair was like a waterfall on both sides of his face.
The eyes of the Goddess are round beautiful sparkling. So too with my eyes.
A wide smile burst from her sweet lips, revealing a row of brilliant white teeth.
Our hands each held a glass of wine that was almost half gone.
There is still a distance between us, this is a photo of our first meeting.
Taken by her domestic assistant Dewi, located in the backyard of her parents' house.
“Thank you, Mbok Yum!”, said Dewi cheerfully.
Mbok Yum smiled back and while blushing he replied.
“Sama-sama, Sister Goddess. Hurry to the guarantee yes, Mbak and Mas.”
Deg. My heart beats faster.
This Mbok is all there is!
Kebelet mated again like this Mbok.
Wong had just met, cook suddenly the language was married again.
In awkwardness, I glanced at the woman beside me.
Prepare a grimacing pose for my face and look for jokes in my head to avoid the awward moment.
But by my side, the Goddess laughed loosely.
“We match yes, Mbok?”
He immediately glanced at me and added.
“Tuh, Mbok Yum has agreed. Just so you know, Win, Mbok Yum approval is hard to get you know!”
Automatically, Mbok Yum and I laughed.
...
If this memory I access when the Goddess sits leaning against my chest, it must be the meaning that I catch and I voiced is :
“Right then, I knew. I know that we're getting married, Wi. I know that we are destined to be together.”
Words that Dewi will reply with, “Mosok anyway? Wasn't that time you were in the process of eliminating the list of gebetan? What is my number?”
My next response would be to kiss her lips in a frenzy and whisper.
“Show you what sequence number in bed yes, Darling.”
But accessing that memory now, with my position as a villain and a murderer in the eyes of his family, the meaning I've captured is different.
...
If only you had never met me, Wi.
If that night had never happened.
If I insist on refusing Mom's invitation to visit your house.
Maybe you'll be much happier now.
Maybe you won't be lying in a hospital bed.
In an unconscious state and wither away slowly.
“Win? What are you doing here?”
Flinched consciously, I hurriedly wiped away the tears and turned my head.
...
No, no. Impossible.
This can’t be happening.
Uncomprehended, I stood like hypnotized.
Stepping like sleep-walking, I approached and reached out to touch her.
Is this real?
This can’t be real, right?
His long black hair unraveled on both sides of his face perfectly.
Her pretty round eyes radiated affection.
Her sweet lips opened and smiled cheerfully.
Gently, he grabbed my outstretched hand and led me to touch his cheek.
He held out a hand to caress my cheek at the same time.
Still smiling, he said.
“What are you sitting alone in the dark like this? It is not healthy to know. Come with me for a walk.”
Still don't understand, I gave myself up to take him.
Stammering I said.
“W... Wi...? Why you... You ‘kan... This must be a dream.”
Glancing at me was a joke, he pinched my cheek.
“I don’t care what this is, Win. Neither should you. What matters now, remove your confused look, dear. Walk with me.”
***
The hospital corridor was deserted, not as usual. Maybe because it was far away at night.
There were just rows of empty benches and closed doors.
No nurse stopped by the room.
Not in front, not in back.
“Focus, Babe.”
“Huh?”
The goddess pinched my arm.
“Your custom if the road never focuses. Focus dong, don't look around. His wife by the side was not seen. Want to find another woman, huh?”
I stammered.
“Bu... No...”
Laughing, the Goddess squeezed my hand.
“Just kidding, Babe. But seriously. Don't look back and forth ah. Just look at me, yeah.”
I followed and looked at him on the side.
The fragrant shampoo in her hair that always kept me calm, whatever I was going through.
The soft taste of her skin on my skin...
Man, I used to joke about her skin.
The goddess smiled and said as if she could read my mind.
“Yes, that’s more like it. What's your joke about my skin, Babe?”
I smiled and said slowly.
“This you can be slippery like this skin. I suspect you don't wear skincare every night, Babe. But sanded and twisted.”
The goddess laughed out loud.
“Yes this time your wife is likened to a teak.” table
I laughed, and after the laughter subsided, understanding came.
“It... This isn't real, is it, Babe? Which means you..”.
Suddenly, the Goddess stepped in front of me.
Her slender index finger covered my lips.
“For the last time, Win. Does it really matter what’s real or not? Just enjoy it, Babe. Please?”
My eyes looked at him deeply.
He also did the same.
After a while, I nodded.
Cheerfully, the Goddess smiled and turned around.
Pulling my hand to step.
“Yuk we continue.”
Returning, I tried to control myself with all my might.
Resisting the feeling, I said slowly.
“Where are we going, Babe?”
The goddess bit her lips and smiled. Glancing at me with his stupid look.
“There's. Secret.”
I'm laughing a little.
“Iya deh, I'll just come.”
So step over us.
Down the corridor, straight ahead.
My eyes are focused on him now.
I don't know how long we've been walking, I don't care.
I just focused all my day to the fingertips and the palm of my left hand that was grasping it.
Breaking the silence, the Goddess said.
“About, what is Tia doing now, huh?”
Surprised by this unexpected question, I did not immediately reply.
Goddess continued.
“My guess is definitely playing cooking. Your hobby is, Babe. Must be a big chef, huh? Oh, or maybe reading a storybook? If he was reading a book, he would be reading the novel. Ck, what the hell is the title?”
I answered slowly.
“’The Once and Future King’, yes?”
The goddess was satisfied.
“Iya, the! Basic yes it's a child. Because you like to tell stories about medieval times, he became addicted to the novel deh!”
I smile.
Goddess's right.
Since childhood, like other children, Tia was very happy to be read a story before going to bed.
But somehow he does not like fairy tales like Cinderella or Snow White.
Her mother was confused.
One day, after practice I went into the house and found my two beloved beauties in a fight.
Tia folded her stubborn hands on the sofa and said, “Tia don't want bobo! I don't like the story!”
The goddess knelt pleading in front of him and said, “Ooh, dear. What does dong want? Mom has told all the stories, you know. Don't confuse Mama dong, Darling.”
Chuckles, I intervened.
I carried the beautiful princess and covered her with stories of my free time reading.
The story of the heroism of Lord Bohemond of Taranto on the First Crusade, about the story of the ingenuity of Sultan Saladdin on the Second Crusade, to the bravery of King Richard the Lionheart on the Third Crusade.
And somehow, Tia fell asleep.
After the events of that night, Dewi and I decided to donate all of Tia's fairy tales and replace them with Arthurian novels for young children.
Interrupting my memories, the Goddess kissed my cheek full of love.
“You know you’re such a great dad, right?”
Receiving her kiss, I tried to smile.
But the words of the Goddess broke my heart.
More than Andhara's words a few hours before.
The goddess said again.
“Tia is always happier with you, Win. I don't know why. Maybe because my image has already become a fierce and chatty ‘Mama in his eyes, yes?’
“What are you talking about, Wi? Tia is happy with you. Do you remember that time was Sunday? After church, you were suddenly asked to accompany the competition student and I spent the day with Tia?”
The goddess looked up and asked with her gaze.
I continue my rebuttal.
“It was a complete mess, Wi. Tia was angry and would not eat and would not take a nap. ‘Mama is usually like this to Tia, Pa. Papa's wrong!’. In my heart I thought, ‘Yes God, this is a child of mercy. Goddess bang.’”
The goddess laughed and hit my arm.
“Bless a day.”
I smiled and took off my hand.
Stretching my hand deep onto her shoulder, I pulled the Goddess in my embrace.
“I can never do it like you, Babe. You are her favorite.”
The goddess re-embraced my waist equally tightly.
“Iya, yes. Let’s call it a tie, huh, Babe? Just series us. Than to argue on.”
I laugh.
We keep walking.
After a while, the Goddess said quietly.
“I've been a good Mama ‘kan, Win?”
I stopped and looked.
Tears. Goddess crying.
As soon as I stepped forward, both of my hands touched her cheeks gently.
I kissed her forehead deeply and wiped her tears.
“Of course you are, Babe. Of course you are.”
Drifting in tears, the Goddess said.
“I... I'm scared, Win... I dare not meet... Meet Tia..”.
Taking a deep breath, he said again.
“Tia must be disappointed to have Mama like me, Win... It's definitely... I’m a horrible mother... I'm Mama who bequeathed death to her..”.
I pulled her in a hug, letting her cries spill over my chest.
The crying that he had been deep.
And I can only stroke her hair.
Catch it again, caress it again.
...
Time seemed to stop, so I did not know how long the Goddess spilled her heart in tears.
But when I thought she was calm, I kissed her hair and said quietly.
“None of this was your fault, Babe. No one blames you. I don't blame you. And Tia certainly isn't. And you know why?”
I opened my arms and looked at her face.
Smiling, I said.
“Because Tia must be grateful for the life you gave her, Wi. Life is short, but you are filled with love. Tia won't be mad at you. Sure.”
A smile rippled from behind the remaining sobs.
He nodded.
“Accept... Thank ye... Thank you, Win..”
I kissed her forehead again.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.”
The goddess took a deep breath and finally controlled herself again.
Smilingly.
“Okay, let's walk again, Babe.”
...
I mean every word, Wi.
Tia won't be mad at you.
...
Tia would be mad at me if she knew what I was doing to her beloved mother.
***
“We are almost until”, Dewi said.
I didn't answer.
Our steps grew slower for me to see what was at the end of this long corridor.
Pair door.
Right in front of the door, the Goddess stopped.
I stopped too.
He breathed deeply and whispered.
“This is it, Win.”
My broken heart that I had been trying to hold onto all the way felt like it was just a speck away to total destruction.
The goddess looked up and smiled.
“We sit first yuk, Darling.”
Powerlessly, I allowed myself to be led to a pair of chairs beside the room.
The goddess sat on one chair and gently patted the chair on her side.
I followed his cue and sat down.
He took a hand again, and lost his words.
Don't know what to say.
During the silence, I knew the Goddess looked at me meticulously from top to bottom.
The treatment he gave me every time I got home in a chaotic mood and refused to talk.
Usually after a failure of treatment in the hospital.
I knew that the typical Goddess, she would let me be quiet until the time came when I was ready to tell a story.
And this time, I hope he will do the same.
“None of this was your fault, Win”, he said.
I looked at him.
Glazed.
Almost destroyed.
Smiling softly, he stretched out his other hand to caress my hand.
“I know you've done your best, Babe. Best for me, best for Tia. As you always do.”
Please, Wi.
Please stop.
“We are proud to have a husband and Papa like you, Win. We love you so much.”
...
Tears shed.
Collapses.
“Ma... Excuse me... L'm... I'm that... I'm the one who left... I made you... Makes you like this.”.
Now it was the Goddess who pulled me in a hug.
Stroking my hair, he calms me gently.
“Sshh, it’s okay, Babe. It’s okay.”
Isak is uncontrollable.
“Sorry... Pardon... Forgive..”
...
“Our life is indeed short, Win. But as you said earlier, you have filled us with love in that short time. Thank you, yes.”
Her soft fingers wiped the tears from my face.
I clasped his arm.
Can't take off.
The goddess smiled sadly.
Eyes glazed.
“Well, I must admit I'm sad, Win. I thought we were gonna live happily ever after. Live in a small cottage by the lake.”
I laughed in a sob.
“And more kids?”
The goddess laughed in the crowd.
“And more kids. I gave up on that.”
I controlled my breath with all my might.
Look at him again.
As if thirsty and hungry, as if never satisfied.
I examined every detail of his face.
Wrinkles in the corners of his eyes, dimples in his smile, until my reflection in his eye lens.
The apple of my eye.
My Goddess.
The goddess smiled and defended me once again.
“I'm saying yes, dear. Don't blame yourself for what happened. Do not work until you forget to eat or sleep. Don't worry about Andhara, he's just upset. Forgive Andra too, yes.”
The door in front of us opened.
And peeking out of the doorway, a beautiful princess whom I knew very well.
Her long black wavy hair, her round black eyes, her pretty smile.
The perfect mix of me and my wife.
“Papa! Mama!”
At once, me and the Goddess got up and approached him.
Kneeling in front of him, hugging him as tightly as love.
With great difficulty, I let go of the hugs on these two lights.
The goddess did the same.
Tia was excited as she said.
“Mama! Tia kangen Mama! Tia kangen at all Mama!”
My heartfelt sigh and sincere smile, the Goddess replied.
“Mama is also kangen at all Tia, son. Kangen once.”
Tia looked over and smiled at me.
“Papa, thank you for everything yes, Pa. Tia's okay now. Mama is okay too.”
The goddess stood up and held Tia.
Come closer, hug me both with Tia for the last time.
Whispered.
“Thank you for everything, Darling*. We’re alright now.”*
***
“Mas Windra? Build, Mas.”
The weight of my eyelids felt as I blinked my eyes.
From the blurry, slowly look back clarity.
Andhara bowed above me.
Tears were pouring down the side of his face.
“Mbak... Mother Goddess, Mas... Mbak Dewi already..”.
I rose from my sleep on the hospital emergency stairs.
Grabbing my sister-in-law tightly in a hug.
27 October 2021 pkl 02.30 in the morning.
He has returned to the bosom of the Most Exalted God.
Raden Sri Dewi Adhisti's.
The mother of Judistia Jyotika Wibowo.
My wife's.
