Waiting for the Light to Return
Chapter 3 - The Memory Room
September 2021, Continuing Time from the Beginning of the Story
The clock showed at 20:46 when my car turned into Jalan Guntur.
Through the shady trees on the right-left side of the road, I headed for the modest house number 23.
The body is tired after driving around Bandung for hours, the heart is tired because of the unimportant memories that appear without permission.
Memories of my introduction and marriage to Windra.
Shit, I have to wash my mind with something. There's no way I can work with a broken heart like this. Maybe a glass of wine too.
Immersed in my own reflection, I barely noticed the familiar yellow Honda Jazz parked neatly in front of the fence.
Holding the astonishment until I put the car into the yard, I just asked Mbok Jem after I got off.
“Mbok, Andhara is here?”
Mbok Jem nodded.
“Already from this afternoon, Mom. Want to wait for Mom to come home she said.”
And sure enough, as soon as my step passed the doorway, her bro greeted me loudly.
“Sis!”
Following the call, Andhara himself came and hugged me tightly.
“Anaan anyway, Dhar, call-call Sis everything. Is it Mbak reseller online shop?”, I said while returning his embrace.
Andhara took off a hug and smiled widely.
“How are you, Ma'am? Healthy?”
I stroked my beloved brother's cheek.
“Health, Dhar. When do you get home from US?”
Andhara answered.
“Yesterday, Ma'am, keep me straight to Mom's house. Just got around today. Last afternoon to Mbak Sari and Mbak Nia, this afternoon visit Mbak. Mommy from where? I just overslept waiting for Mbak to come home.”
I invited Andhara inside while answering her question.
“Yes ordinary, Dhar, busy at school, kept refreshing around Bandung alone. Sit down, Dhar. Have you eaten yet?”
Andhara sat at the dinner table and watched me put the briefcase across from her.
He didn't answer until I had to ask again.
“Dhar? Why not answer anyway? Have you eaten?”
Andhara still looked at me silently for a few seconds, before finally saying.
“Today I can stay yes, Ma'am?”
I cringe.
“Lho, what suddenly? Usually you stay at Mother's house if you are in Indonesia?”
Andhara smiles.
“Yes, but today I want to be here. Can you, Ma'am? It's been night too. Salah Mbak himself anyway, his handsome brother came home but ignored for hours.”
I smiled back.
...
I know my sister very well. I know when he's sad, angry, likes someone, and especially, I know when he's not telling the truth.
And I also know why he insisted on accompanying me tonight.
Trying to keep smiling, I replied.
“Okay, use guest room yes, Dhar.”
Andhara nodded enthusiastically.
“Ready, Ma'am! By the way, while I'm here, there's more I can help you with, Mommy?”
I pretended to think.
“What yes? Washing dishes, mopping, wiping tables are the same Mbok Jem all. Massage Mbak just how?”
Andhara laughed loudly.
“Fate of being a single boy. Far away from business school at Harvard, back to Indonesia as a masseuse.”
I shrugged my shoulders while laughing.
“Lha, ‘kan you yourself who asked anyway? Yes already if you do not want to massage, help Mbak check the financial statements of the store would ya? Want dong.”
Andhara chuckles.
“Well so dong, Ma'am. Which suits my majors so you know.”
While Andhara was busy checking my e-mail, I offered a plate of dinner made by Mbok Jem.
“Nih eat, Dhar. Later you are sick, Mother again scolded Mother.”
Without looking, Andhara replied.
“Okay, Ma'am. In a moment.”
Not having a taste for food, I myself just sipped a glass of wine and pulled out the student work file I was going to check.
Andhara glanced at me and cleared her throat.
“It's been 9pm, Ma'am. Just rest.”
I'm shaking.
“This correction should be completed tomorrow, Dhar. Tomorrow Mbak enter again into their class because.”
Stubborn, Andhara menukas.
“Duh, the students also understand Mbak if the correction is a few days late. Your health is something to be aware of.”
As stubborn as he was, I also refused.
“Already, Dhar. Just focus on your work. It's only two classes. Hurry lah.”
Decak was upset, Andhara replied.
“It's hard to talk to Ma'am. Looked at even ngeyel.”
I laugh.
“Yes are women like this, Dhar. Obstinately. You as a man should learn to protect dong.”
Andhara grunting.
“It seems like no woman is as hard as Mbak. My friends in the US open-minded all right. Manut-manut only if I give advice.”
I tease.
“That's not because they're open-minded, Dhara Darling. That's because they're looking for you.”
Hearing my praise, Andhara puffed up her chest.
“If the problem is not asked. Andhara is like.”
I threw a ballpoint in his face.
“Praised a little directly narcissistic this kid! Focus on working there!”
...
“Babe, already dong work.”
I focused on looking at the laptop.
Windra snorted while on her back beside me.
“Your school can't see people happy, can it? We ‘kan just got married. No honeymoon, now the second night is passed waiting for you to work. Sucks.”
Hearing her talk, I laughed.
Turning my eyes from the laptop, I kissed her forehead and said.
“For a minute, Babe. It's also about to be finished. What do you want to do on the second night? Not that the first night is enough, huh?”
Segesit tiger, Windra immediately got up and kissed me deeply.
Whispering while stroking my hands softly.
“With you, Babe? It will never be enough.”
Then the activity proposal I was supposed to check got rid of and we made love.
Make love with passion like a husband and wife who love each other.
Making love in the room in front of him I stand now.
...
The room where it broke my heart today, one year ago.
I once told you that I was a terrible forgetful.
I often forget the road, forget the name of the person, even forget the location of the item I just put.
But I still clearly remember what happened one year ago.
So clear, that I felt like I could see it through the eyes of my imagination.
I fell on the side of the bed.
Crying until there are no more tears I can shed.
My soul is broken, my heart is shapelessly broken.
Less than 24 hours earlier, I had to watch the princess just my way...
Judistia... My tia...
Forced forcibly taken without explanation from me.
Forced into the coldness of the earth.
I couldn't even walk into the cemetery without Windra.
In such cruel times, I felt that my life was just a thread away from despair.
If it wasn't for my husband's embrace.
If it wasn't for my husband crying with me.
I might have given up when the team doctor told me.
That night, I waited for his embrace.
Waiting for his voice that was also choked said, “My dear. Patience yes. This is a test from God. God loves Tia more. Patience yes.”
And the touch did come, only this time it wasn't a hug.
His voice also came, but not an attempt to calm me down.
“Wi.”
Without energy, I sobbed. Unable to answer his call.
Breathless, he knelt beside me and called back.
His hand still caresses my back.
“Wi.”
After a while, I finally calmed down enough to raise my face and look at her.
And how surprised I was to see Windra fully dressed. Jacket, shirt, trousers, and suitcase on the side.
“You... Where are you going?”
Windra seemed to struggle to give an answer.
He looked in pain in his heart as he said.
“I... I have to go first, Wi.”
Still sobbing, I asked crumpled.
“Per... Gone off? Go where?”
Windra said slowly.
“Ke overseas, Wi. L'm... I don't know when to leave.”
Out of breath and determination, I reached out and grabbed her clothes with the rest of my strength.
“Ke overseas? Wh why? Want what? Ye... You left me?”
As much as he could, he grasped and let go of my soft hand.
“I'm definitely back, Wi. Wait for me, yeah. I'm definitely back.”
I don't understand, I asked trembling.
“But... But why, Win? Our daughter... Our daughter... I can't be alone, Win. I need you.”
Tears flowed down his face as he said.
“I know, Wi. But... I gotta go. Trust me. It's for you, Wi.”
I spent the rest of my emotions and strength asking.
But he left.
Without explanation, he left.
When the heartache of Tia's departure was still sharp in me, she left.
...
“Bu?”
I'm turning. Mbok Jem over there.
“Where are you going to sleep tonight? Let Mbok prepare his room.”
Swallowing the heartache that arose again after I had painstakingly buried in this one year, I replied.
“In Brother's room, Mbok.”
Since that night, I couldn't.
I can't set foot in this room anymore.
Two losses is a test too hard for me.
That's why I slept in my daughter's room.
The room that I purposely let her in was the way it was when I last wrapped her in a deep blanket.
I can't remember Windra without heartache.
That's why I'm going to hang on day by day in memory of Tia.
In my own way.
