The soul mate YOU sent

Chapter 21 Away

A month has passed since the miscarriage I had. Now I'm staying at my dad's house for a while. All the family members agreed that I should go home to the Wibosono family for recovery. Of course Mas Zaky is coming with me. They said maybe I could recover faster because I was in a familiar environment and there was a mother who took care and accompanied me later. That's what they think, if I think I prefer in my own house because at this time all I want is to be alone without any interference excessive attention from others. I feel overwhelmed if there are a lot of people around me.

I was hospitalized for only a week and allowed to go home. The doctor said my condition had recovered and there were no problems with my uterus. I'll get pregnant again when the time comes. The time in the hospital the whole family took turns waiting for me including Hafizah. His attitude changed for me, he became gentle and kind. Either because I felt guilty or because I felt relieved because the baby she thought was disgusting was no longer in my stomach. The obvious thought of what the reason alone had made me nauseous to be in a room with him. Mas Zaky never left me either. He was so considerate, that it made me sick and tired. Everything he does looks excessive in my eyes or maybe just because I want to find his fault. I don't know if I'm clearly disturbed.

If I talk about how I feel right now, of course I feel unhappy, empty, very lost, guilty, useless, irresponsible. I felt very unhappy and very lost and very guilty because the baby I had been fighting for was not able to take care of properly, I could not defend. I am a useless and irresponsible mother-to-be. I should only think about the health and safety of my baby, not even think about useless things like ridicule and insults from others. No matter if someone else looks at me in disgust I should just ignore it for the safety of my baby, even if that person is the one who claims to be my husband. It's too late now. I can only make up for it with regret.

'Forgive my son, I should have been more able to restrain myself. I was too selfish, thinking more about my own feelings. This is my mother's punishment for not taking care of you properly, so God decided to take you back from my mother's side. Even the mother does not know yet to call you son or daughter mother.', I said in my heart. Not just once but many times those words I keep saying in my heart like a mantra as a sign of regret that will never be lost in my lifetime.

I realized from the moment I found out that my baby didn't survive my attitude towards everyone started to change. I was more alone and thoughtful. It is more convenient if no one invites me to talk, because when they talk to me my answers are always thin or I will deliberately ignore and just be silent not to answer. I don't like it when they're too attentive like I'm a helpless person. The pain is my heart is not my physical, of course I can prepare daily needs myself. They treated me like I was a person with a severe illness and could not wake up from a sleep that nothing should be prepared and helped, their attitude just made me hurt.

This month I also continued to ignore Mas Zaky. If he sees me while I'm contemplating in the garden or the side porch I'd rather be silent not responding to everything he says and tells me, he said, or worse, I'll leave without waiting for him to open his mouth. Or I'd prefer to sleep in the guest room if Mas Zaky goes to bed first or is in our room. Somehow I felt angry at Mas Zaky, I felt she was also one of the causes of my stress and eventual miscarriage. His rejection of me before was one of the other causes of stress that triggered my miscarriage. That's why I'm getting away from him. I refused to touch her even if she just held my hand. He refused me and my baby to get close to him first, so I didn't want him to come near me now that my baby isn't around.

I have often imagined how I would become a mother when my baby was born. I plan on giving him an exclusive ASI. I will try to be the best mother in the world. It will make him the happiest child. I have two names, one for baby boys and one for baby girls. I also thought about his education. Recalling the plans I had made for my baby made my tears flow again. I don't even know how it looked when she came out of my womb. It has been almost four months in the womb, maybe already as big as a palm.

My tears broke even more as the shadow of blood flowing down my thighs was present without asking. My chest feels tight every time that memory is present. The air seemed to move away from me, making it difficult for me to breathe. If this is the case, I will usually take a paper bag and breathe through my mouth from inside the bag. This helps, like emergency help in people with asthma. No one knows about my condition like this. They only know that I'm more moody and like to reflect. I also don't want them to know and pity me any more. It is enough to see them looking at me with a look of pity and pity, I do not want more than that and hurt my ego even more deeply.

I also avoided my father and mother, and there was anger that I was married for them. But because of this marriage, I lost my baby. But I also feel ashamed of my mother who has supported me to continue to defend and fight for my baby. I irresponsibly put my baby in danger of causing my baby to die. For a month I kept avoiding not to be alone with my mother in one room. I couldn't look him in the eye.

Yesterday I talked to my father, mother and Mas Zaky that today I invite Mas Zaky to return to our own home. For all sorts of reasons I was finally able to convince them that I would be okay and they agreed. I don't want to repot my mother anymore with my attitude like this. It would also be more free for me to be alone if I were in our own home. My suitcase is ready as well as Mas Zaky's. We're ready to go but I doubt if I can get one car alone with Mas Zaky? During this month I really couldn't bear to be alone with him in the same place for more than ten minutes. But I can't show it in front of my parents.

Finally I decided to hold back only until we got home. All the way I just looked out of the car from the side window where I was sitting. I also chose to sit in the back seat like when we were ta'aruf first. And there were a thousand languages in every word and question he asked. I don't know how I feel about Mas Zaky right now. When I saw his eyes that became sad every time I ignored him, my heart felt throbbing and as if telling me to reach him. Sometimes the memories in the IGD room just before the medics came swirled in the head, how the worried look was clearly printed on his face. Her teary eyes implied fear, her words that gave me spirit were recorded clearly in my brain. Those moments of memory present wanted it to feel like I was hugging her. But it wasn't strong enough to erase my anger and prejudice against him. All this time I was never sure about how I felt about her, what I felt about her. Do I just consider him a husband? Or am I starting to feel affection for her? I don't know. And now that uncertainty was covered in unstoppable anger.

Seen large enough vase fragments are still stuck through the fabric of his shirt. It is about nine centi. That must have hurt a lot. My tears flowed back without me stopping. As long as I live, I have never had the slightest desire to hurt others. And now I'm getting my own husband hurt.

"Sst.sst..have g't cry again, I g' po-po. Kayak'e luka'e g' in kok.", said Mas Zaky grimaced with pain.

How could I believe that it didn't hurt, while he was constantly grimacing. I tried to stop my crying and immediately went to get the P3K box. I also took the scissors in the kitchen drawer. We moved by sitting on the couch. I had scissors with the width of the shirt sleeves around the wound so I could imitate it. I poured medical alcohol to remove the blood so I could see the wound more clearly. I used makeshift tweezers that I had sterilized with alcohol to remove the splinters.

"AAAHHH!!", of course it made Mas Zaky unintentionally scream out from the pain as I plucked out the shale.

Blood again flowed from the now gaping wound. I pressed the wound with a cloth so that the blood would stop. I grabbed his right hand and positioned it to press his wound in place of mine.

"Continue pressing the kayak gini mas, let me iket the upper part to inhibit the flow of blood'e.", I said with a trembling tone.

Although I often come into contact with blood and wounds, I never want to practice my experiences with people I love and care about. This is the first time I've taken care of my family. Mas Zaky never turned away from me from the beginning I took care of his wound until I finished it.

"You have to go to the doctor, iki has to be stitched. I'm just a temporary bleeding iso hentinoe" I said as I finished tidying up the P3K box.

Mas Zaky just kept quiet not answering but still did not take his eyes off me. Just as I was about to get up, Mas Zaky pulled me towards him and used both of his hands to hold me in his lap. My heart is beating so hard. I wasn't ready for his touch. It makes me cramped and cold sweat. I tried so hard to get out of his arms.

"I g' will get rid of you! How big do you make efforts to go far, I also try to bring you back." said Mas Zaky sad while tightening his embrace.