I'm Afraid of Falling in Love

Being Myself

I don't want to be anyone else, let alone pretend to be someone else to get people to like me.

- Blue-Eye

Bandung, 2020

Finished with shopping at the new market I finally decided to go home. Alone, with cars and crowds in them. I don't know why I like this kind of time. Enjoy the train windows featuring the beautiful nighttime flickering lights.

I was enchanted, mired in the beauty that could be lost at any moment. I can imagine when we were together.

My lips still can't escape that pseudo happiness it seems. Now, it feels like I want to smile with you, while staring happily at the flickering. I hope someday to be able to sit in one frame, with you.

Apparently I was hoping for too much of our story. I was evil, choosing to leave after you ignored. Because I know this heart is not a toy. What happens if two people who are not in line stay together? Not a pleasant ending, is it?

I think I'm telling too much tonight. I hope you're okay now. Ah, you're always fine, aren't you, with a myriad of your dreams still unfulfilled. You and I will never be together like you.

“Rancaekek in a minute.” The notice of the apai train attendant made me immediately get up from my seat.

I'm leaving, leaving all the memories of you still clearly imprinted. Once again, I looked at the sky that we used to always look at together, although different places and times. I smiled at the sky.

“Our story is over, all that remains are memories that I will never forget despite leaving only wounds and pain.” I'm lirih.

***

“Huaa”

I squirm, before running a routine I always think about what I will do today. Go on a course, and now I'm going to go to the inaugural campus after a long holiday filled only by this laziness.

“Ta, don't forget to lecture today.” Mama's words stopped me from going to the course.

“Don't forget ma, yesterday night will have finished the book for college, the equipment is also.”

“After leaving later.”

“Iya ma Assalamualaikum.”

“Waalaikumsalam.”

It is now Monday, the day that people will be busy entering work and school. Along the way to the course place the vehicle lane is never empty.

“Left front pack.”

“In front yes neng.”

“Thank you sir.” I gave money as much as five thousand rupiah to the motorcycle taxi driver.

I stopped in front of the entrance gate, staring carefully at the course place. This time I enter a different sip, will there be a difference? My heart is hesitating, for some reason. Not doubt, rather fear.

Afraid of these sip kids who don't match my nature and character later. The atmosphere is also possible, which will certainly affect my mood as well and that means it will affect me learning to sew. I pray in my heart that sip b is all right.

“Bismillah.” I stepped inside the course that turned out to be Miss Nining.

I kissed Ms. Nining's hand first before sitting in the Sabila Tea place. Approaching the table of a woman wearing a brown veil approached me, “teteh who was then huh?”

I remember the face of the woman in front of me, oh yes she who I met, the time when the day I came home late.“Yes tea.” I answered a little nervously. Fear of not being able to adapt to sip b.

Looking at me sitting and resting at the sewing table, she asked again. “Ink sip b?” I answered him with a nod of my head.

He left, either way to his friend maybe.

Moments later the woman came back to my desk. He said the machine he was going to use was still in his friend's use. He had to wait. I'm lucky because I said Miss Nining I can do sewing because I'm a little behind the material from the others in this sip b.

“With whom?” The woman opened her voice again.

To prove if he spoke to me, I pointed to myself before replying, “aku tea?” Seeing that nod, I answered him. “Tea gem, if teteh?”

“Titania, call only Titan.” The answer he then sat next to my desk, the person sitting next to me was depositing the proceeds to Bu NIning.

I so smile sweetly to Titan Tea, “salam know tea.” He smiled back at me before turning on his sewing machine. Its name is a bit unique and strange, similar to the particles in chemistry, Titan.

***

So serious about sewing, I did not realize that many pairs of eyes were looking at me. Am I an alien so it should be looked at like that. I was like a celebrity who had one mistake, but was considered fatal in the eyes of the public. I shudder, I liken myself to an artist anyway. I'm not an artist.

“Teh from sip a?” a man I estimated his age above me said hello.

I looked at him, my hand was busy justifying the cloth I was about to sew, “iya a.” My words are friendly.

“Why move?” he looked at me fixedly.

I was silent for a while, trying to answer palig pas, “ada his afternoon business.” I answered briefly but did not eliminate the impression of friendly.

He's ber o ria. “There's a hard one?” he asked after seeing me who looked confused.

“It forgot again how.” Stirrup. He got up and approached my desk. After he got up the man I most avoided came and sat down before me. Damaging the already good mood.

He rattled to me, “hai see you again.” I just smiled awkwardly at her.

“Where is tea?” that question woke me up.

“It's finished this in gimanain again yes confused.” I nod my veil.

“Try here I help. Teteh aside I used to tidy all at the machine only.” I walked away and obeyed his words. He did it well. I was impressed with him and certainly thanked him a lot.

“See tea.” I've noticed. “Save the small on top of the big one, then fold according to the sewing pattern slowly.”

“Suture him don't hurry.” It added that made me nod.

The man I avoided the most was listening, “dengerin what Deni said, he was the best.”

“Can only Pandu mah not in dengerin.” Kilah A Deni's.

I'm just dumbfounded to see their debate, “thank ya a Deni.” I said, who then returned to my work.

“Sama-sama, you seem cool as well.” The comment I only responded with a smile.

“Why move?” tanyanya a Deni that makes Pandu who will rise again sit down.

I stared at Pandu jengah, “ada urusah his afternoon a.”

“Banget.” My answer that makes the two men near me more curious seems to my business that actually has nothing to do with them.

“A Guide even here, not sewing?” the Tea Rein question that made Pandu gelagapan made me giggle a little. Rasain who told to disturb people who are in the learning stage.

Pandu glances forward, back and left side, “tuh Rein is still full so here chat with new children.”

“I'm not a new kid ya.” It was my refutation that made him laugh for some reason. I'm a comedian.

“An-“ Pandu's greeting came to a halt when Titan Tea called him. The guide also approached Titan Tea.

The man who rises, I am relieved. Finally the bully disappeared as well, I can calmly now. Not long ago a Deni back to invite me to chat also told me how to set the correct gas.

“Where to enter sip b?” I looked at A Deni in confusion.

“There's a difference?” ask again. I remember when I first got into a sip. All those things were spinning in my brain. I also remember the day.

“Seru.” My comment.

“Hopefully at home yes.” A Deni got up and walked over to Mother Nining.

I don't know why I feel so happy to be in sip b. His people always help me also want to teach me who missed the material. Not to mention all of them who are really happy to joke like me. I feel comfortable in sip b.

If in the sip a I was only close to Mami, here I was almost close to all the inhabitants. I think the two sip at this course place is very good, but somehow I like to study at sip b whose children are not too serious. I also learned to be relaxed, not rushed.

***

“Don't forget tomorrow we will eat at my house after the course.” Tea Rein before we go home.

Maybe this sip b will have a meal, I thought. I don't know if I can come along because I have a lecture schedule, just look tomorrow.

“Teh Gem follow ya.” Take Tea Rein.

I became silent on the spot, “aduh how yes tea is not not unwilling, but if after the course it seems can not.”

“Yahhh.” I don't know if Tea Rein is really disappointed or just a formality.

“Sorry yes tea has a problem.” My regret was countered by the smile of Tea Rein.

This Rein tea, how would I describe it. She is beautiful, yaiyalah handsome time, her clothes look like ukhti-ukhti which is now again trending. Even so Tea Rein is a good person, he said also soft and kind. Do not like to be invited to joke, yes he thinks all that is not worth in duplicate. Especially if people like to play with others.

That means this way, in sip b there is someone who is always called Master sir.

Well, Mr. Teacher's ears are less domesticated. So, if you want to talk to him we have to speak loudly or from a close distance, so that he can hear what we say. Because of this, the children of sip b often prank him and some even made fun of him.

According to Teh Rein it is a bad deed. Yes, it is not good, even though I did not make fun of the person called by the Master, I still laughed earlier. It's funny how other people talk about what he answers.

It's better now that I'm home. This time I went home alone because it was different sip with my camp friend. The walk itself turned out to be sad, especially in this scorching afternoon. A sweat splashed on the forehead covered with a veil.

“Assalamualaikum ma.”

Without waiting for Mama to answer I gawked into the room. Sit on a mattress that is directly facing the mirror in the closet. My face really looks haggard. I went and started taking ablution to do my duty. After the prayer, I finished the book I was going to use when I went to college.

Finished with the college business, I laid myself in bed. The clock on the phone shows at half-hour one in the afternoon. There is nothing wrong with taking a nap before going to college. Trying to close your eyes and start coiling with dreamland.

Tok

Tok

It felt like I had just slept for a while and woke up again, I thought. “Ta wake up shower.” My mother's voice from outside made me open my eyes.

Mumbled slowly while trying to get up to pick up the phone. Still at one o'clock, I closed my eyes back and tightened my arms on the bolster. “Start ma.”

“Ta.” Shouted my mother from outside.

Half unconscious I answered. “Start ma.”

“Ta, already half two!” Jeduggggs

I woke up in a hurry. Swiping the forehead that collides with the side of the bed.

Thankfully not broken. Exit the room to watch the clock in the family room. It's one o'clock, too, mother. I intend to go back into the room.

“Eits go where else. There shower.” Mama intercepted me who was about to enter the room again and continued the delayed dream earlier.

“Oh yes ta, next week there is a test opening cpns loh. Mama hope you follow ya.”

I breathe, always have. Anything decided on its own as good as jidat. Who wants to take the cpns test. Going to college with the most hated majors should he be grateful.

I have to find this job after graduating the course anyway, my determination.

***

I stared at the window.

Dear grandfather I miss

Grandpa I'm tired

Every day we have to have pressure like this

Not to mention the mama who always forced me to come with this is I'm tired of cake,

Take me away.

I folded the train ticket that I had scratched it. Hope by flying this ticket can eliminate my burden, just one. I know all parents want the best for their children, but does it have to be that way.

CPNS Opening

I tried to open the notice, reading the terms carefully. Hate for some reason I can't refuse. What's wrong with me?

“Notice to prospective passengers who disembark at the station cikudapateuh hope to prepare and clean up your luggage, lest anyone be left behind.”

The paper that I had been scribbling I did not ignore anymore, hurriedly inserted the phone that was on the charger. The pen that was used for doodling and checking what might be left in the kerta.

A journey that always leaves claustrophobic, jolts me to reality. In the end, my freedom never came true. I looked up at the sky that looked so bright today. Until when should this be?