The Most Beautiful Miss

Flasback: The Crisis of Trust

Even though we stayed home, I rarely talked to Qeisha and Niko. I'm busier with my world, my laptop, and the BlackBerry that never leaves my hand.

But Qeisha was always patient with me always snapping at her. Every time he gave me the medicine, I would throw it on the floor.

"You think I'm sick?". I always get upset if I have to take medication from that psychiatrist.

"You still have to drink this.. Please me.. Make my work easy Mas Adhit.." He said.

"Do you judge me the same as everyone else?" ketus.

"I mean,?"

"Yes, they judge me depressed... And I'm not some crazy person." I slammed my BlackBerry on the floor and broke it to pieces.

"Depression doesn't mean crazy, does it?" answer's relaxed.

"But why do you always take me there?"

"Because we want it to heal.."

"I'm not crazy!!!" snatch me as hard as I can.

"If you don't want to be crazy, prove it!" he was bluffing me back.

"Prove what?"

"Take this medicine." he thrust a few pills into my hand.

"I'm not crazy!!!!!" I slammed my laptop on the floor.

"Your actions seem to make people think you're crazy.. Please prove that you're normal." he said cynically and mocked.

I took all the medicine and took it.

"I'm not crazy, am I?" I looked at him sharply.

Qeisha smiled proudly. And walk towards the door. But I pulled his hand firmly.

"Where you going???" manyu rough.

"out... My job is done.." he smiled again and tried to turn around.

I held him as hard as I could.

"I've been following my request to take medicine, now help me.."

"Well?"

"What is depression?" ask me to lower my voice intonation.

"Why is that?"

"Because I don't want to be blamed for depression..."

Qeisha took a deep breath. He looks upset and maybe he's tired. Qeisha sat in the corner of my bed.

"Sit here.. Let me help you explain.." he patted the bed right next to him.

I followed him calmly. Then sit there and look at him seriously.

"Do you know? Depression is dangerous... But people often ignore it, assuming it is common... Though, depression is a disease loh Mas.." he looked at me with heart - heart.

"Depression is a health problem that causes a lot of death..."

"Sort of a virus?" tanyaku plain.

"Not... Depression that is not handled properly can make a person act recklessly, such as ending his life.. Injuring himself.. " Qeisha stared at my laptop and smartphone.

"Like this?" I pointed at the things that were scattered on the floor.

"It could be..." Qeisha smile.

"But I'm not depressed... I'm just emotional.." I tried to defend myself.

"Emotions? If emotions are enough, I'm as strong as my heart.y yelling in front of me as you can.."

I kept staring at him.

"If you don't want to be said to be depressed, stop all the stupidity of the mas all this time.. I believe I am not depressed.. But prove it to me... Never repeat the strange madness again, like trying to end life, slam stuff, all that actually impressed mas a depressed person." he explained with enthusiasm.

"I'm not depressed..."

"Yes I know... Prove to everyone that it's good - all right mas..." Qeisha held my hand trying to convince me.

"I'll be better.."

"That's dong..." He smiled and helped tidy up the items scattered on the floor.

"Let me.." I asked.

"I'm a mas..."

"Yes, we've done it both..."

From then on I started to be friends with Qeisha. But sometimes I can turn cold on her too. Since then, I never wanted to end my life again. If I am in a panic and the nightmare comes again, Qeisha always strengthens me, she is always by my side. I started taking her to campus often and picking her up when I came home.

"One problem has been solved." Qeisha told Niko.

"It's not wrong that I chose you as Adhit's personal nurse.."

"Hahaha, you can do Nik..."

"You will fall in love with her.."

"Not funny..." Qeisha passed away leaving Niko.

"Qeisha..." Niko called the beautiful nurse back.

"The problem...."

"What problem?"

"Crisis trust?"

"Slowly - slowly... I'll try to handle it later.." Qeisha rolled her eyes teasing Niko.

"Dasarr..." Niko shouted and left Qeisha.

****

We lived a normal life like a brother and sister in that house. Niko plays the role of brother, I'm the second child, and Qeisha the youngest sister. We look after each other, encourage each other, help each other. Well, they're both my family now. Papa's family? They once came to curse, prosecute and want to put me in jail. On charges of negligence while driving and causing the death of a person. But Niko took care of everything with my family's lawyer first. And they swore they never wanted to know me again. I live without Niko, Qeisha, Ibuk, and Pak Ujang.

***

Semester holidays...

The three of us decided to go to Bangka Belitung, because my nurse was a true sea connoisseur. We ran around on the beach comb. I'm getting interested in Qeisha. Everywhere nearby I would feel comfortable and at ease. It was as if all the burdens of the mind were gone.

"Qei.." call me soft.

"Yes..."

"I want to be the sea..."

"Hahahaa.

"Because the sea doesn't have to be able to swim, right? Precisely the sea is a place for other humans to swim.." I replied ngasal.

"Why do you want to be the sea, Mom?"

"Stop calling me with a mas call.."

"All right..." Qeisha walked after the waves and cried out happily as the waves crashed against his body.

"Qeisha...!!!! I want to be the sea... You always miss the sea... Because you are always comfortable and happy when you look at the sea.. Because you are a connoisseur of the sea... I want to be the sea so that you will always miss and always yearn for.. To be the most comfortable place for you to rest." I cried with all my might.

The sound of the waves and the wind on the beach brought my hoarse voice away and did not reach Qeisha's ears. I don't know who's now hearing that heart phrase.

I took a breath and smiled.

I caught up with Qeisha and enjoyed the saltiness of the sea and forgot the heat of the day, both of them. Well, both.....

***

"Adhit..." Qeisha sat beside me.

I turned to her and threw a smile at her, then looked back at the star-filled sky. Qeisha was lying next to me. While Niko is not so interested in the beach and the atmosphere of the night on the beach. Niko chooses to play games in a hotel room.

"Rel .."

"Yes.my beautiful nurse.." I seduced her.

"Iiihhh.." he hit me in the arm.

"Qei. I miss mama..."

"I know... Mama must have missed you from up there too." she pointed to the stars.

"Hopefully.." I said softly.

"Until when is Dhit?" tanyakanya.

"Until when what?"

"When will you doubt God?" he sat down and folded his hands on his feet.

I just kept quiet and lay looking up at the sky.

"Why silence?" insist again.

"I don't want to talk about it..."

"Said Ibuk, you used to be a child who was diligent in worship... Obey the religion.. And you are diligent in circumcision..."

"That was before." I sat down and played sand in front of me.

"Why can it change? And until when?"

"Because it's time for me to change." I replied briefly.

"Dhits... Which favor of God do you want to deny?"

I stood up and walked towards the beach. Qeisha caught up with me in the back.

"You know what? God chose you to survive the incident so that you would be more obedient to HIM.."

"Better I die Qei!!!" I began to raise my voice, although it was still hoarse.

"Mama and papa you'll be disappointed you know? They're waiting for his son's do'a there.. While child? Loss of faith in the Creator!!!"

"That God is willingly playing with my destiny..."

"You know Qei??? This fate is so cheating on me!! You know Qei?? It used to be so azan reverberated I immediately took wudu'.. I directly pay my debt!!!"

"You know Qei??? I am the most diligent in obligatory fasting and circumcision fasting, because what? I felt that only then could I save my parents from the torment of the hellfire... Prayer of the child sholeh.. And you know Qei??? I was trying to be that kind of kid." I started shedding tears.

"But what did God give me???" I kicked the sand pile in front of me.

"God took the most precious treasure of my life... Taking my reasons for living.. Took my parents' lives in tremendous pain..."

"Try you imagine Qei. how much your body hurts from the truck's hit Qei... How painful my father and brother Qei are... I pray day and night for them.. Asking for favors for my parents, health for my parents... Always every time I raise my hand to pray for all the good in them..."

"And you know, right?? It was precisely these two hands that kept praying that killed papa and mama..."

"This hand is Qei...."

I knelt on the sand, my body shook and sobs broke the silence of the night.

Qeisha hugged me from behind.

"I'm sorry Adhit..."

"I'm sorry... I should have been more patient not to discuss this and not to urge you..."

"God cheated on me." replied bowed.

"God is not cheating.. God knows you can get through this..."

"But I can't afford it." I said.

"You're capable... Soon you will finish college... And will continue your brother's business and dream..."

"But I don't believe in God anymore..."

Qeisha touched my lips with her index finger.

"Don't say that... Just give your heart time to be at peace with destiny... Without having to blaspheme God... Please..."

I nodded slowly.

****

A few months after that...

My mom and dad often come in my dreams. They came with sad and grim faces. I tried to reach my mother's body, but the more I reached the body the farther away.

"Mama..why do you avoid being fat.." I kept crying after my greatest woman.

Mama crying sobbing.

"Mama wants to hug you.. But my heart refused, son..."

Many times I have dreamed the same thing. I always told Niko and Qeisha that dream.

"Only flowers sleep.." persuaded Niko.

"That feels real Ko..."

Qeisha approached me and smiled gently. Handing parcels with bottle green paperbags.

"This what?" manya curious.

"It's a bridge for you to hug your mom..." Qeisha smiled back

I scrunched my forehead.

"Open up..."

I opened slowly. Take out the contents carefully.

"This.." I stared at the contents in the parcel given by Qeisha.

"Yes... It's a prayer mat and a peci..." Qeisha was standing right in front of me.

"Sholat repent... Fix yourself... Make mom and dad smile again.. And proud of you..."

I was crying so much.

Niko put her arm around my shoulder and Niko shed tears.

Qeisha smiled and nodded her head while gesturing me to go to the bathroom and take ablution'.

"Do I deserve to wear this?" I asked with the rest of my tears in my throat.

"sure.... Allah is Forgiving... And shall receive the repentance of His faithful people..."

****