Renjana Dusk Kala

Chapter 4. Killing Me Softly's

Killing Me Softly's

(Killing me slowly - figurative meaning-)

***

Surabaya

Quintessence

She is the firstborn daughter.

His childhood was more or less the same as other children of his age. Spent on playing, studying, staying in an eye-popping house, picnicking to a zoo or natural attractions, getting together with a large family.

But one that differentiates.

The two parents, who often quarreled right in front of him.

He even forgot. When did he first see his parents fight.

It seems that the first time he was able to realize about the world and its contents, father and mother had a fight.

At that time, he was not in school. At what age, he himself could not remember.

Mom and Dad were fighting in the middle room.

He shouted the words he had just heard. Similarly, mother, replying with other words that are essentially more or less the same.

Which when heard, makes his ears heat up and his heart beat so fast that he felt scared.

He could only sit on a chair while staring at the nanar. I saw my mom and dad blaming each other and screaming. Without anyone willing to give up.

The quarrel ended with the father who came out of the house, slamming the door so hard. Like his house would collapse right then and there. Successfully made the wall he was leaning against vibrate.

At night, she saw her mother crying on the bed. I haven't been home for days.

Since then, I don't know how many times he has seen his father and mother quarrel. Shouting, blaming each other, with no one willing to give up.

His life was like being on a battlefield. Must at all times be ready with an explosion of father's anger, or a shout of mutual accusations of father and mother, or tears of mother when before going to bed.

But all these gripping things do not apply if the situation is "normal" and fine.

Mom and Dad would be like an ideal family. Greet each other with the most pleasant and pleasant sound, throw each other happy smiles, chat with laughter, visit beautiful places.

I don't know.

He himself does not know and cannot understand. Maybe it's like that "life pattern" of adults.

Happy - suddenly angry - quarrelling - yelling at each other - one goes from home - forgiving each other - happy - suddenly angry - so on like a vicious circle. There is no end to the base.

He could easily forget it all. Forgetting the aura of emotional rage, which often frightened his soul.

Especially if the condition of the house is in normal condition. You are the one who has the best attitude towards him. Speak words full of gentleness, happy to mark it, play with it.

You also often give him souvenirs after working at the office. Starting from food, drinks, various types of hair accessories, clothes, to toys.

Different from mom.

The one who was impressed didn't care much about him.

Yeah, course. Mothers as midwives have taken a lot of time. Moreover, the mother is taking care of the practice permit. To be able to open your own practice at home. My whole time is up to take care of that. There was nothing left but to play with him.

But the cycle remains a vicious cycle that continues to repeat itself. Until he himself memorized the motion of the gerik father and mother, if the quarrel will soon explode.

He would usually run to the room. And then hide in the closet. Which is indeed fit entered by the size of his tiny body.

Or hide under the bed, behind the bedroom door, and under the study table.

Just to wait for time. Until the sound of the father and mother's screams subsided. Replacing with mother's sobs. He came out of his hiding place. Then walked slowly towards the mother who was covered in tears.

I wish I would embrace her with warmth. Whispering softly, "Are you afraid, dear? It's okay, Kinan. Don't be afraid. It's just a little matter."

"Mom and dad are fine. Kinan don't worry."

But in reality, the mother rebuked once she realized her presence, "Go! Far away from mom! Go!"

That was the first time he cried, when he saw his father and mother quarreling.

Though usually, no matter how scared he felt, no matter how loud the sound of the cries of mother and father, no matter how harsh the words spoken by his parents when accusing each other, he never shed tears.

He's a strong boy.

A strong boy.

Not crybaby.

But this time it's different.

Mother's hardness surprised him. Successfully drain "all the flavors available". Leaving a wound. He never realized its depth.

But as already. Slowly things began to recover. Everything is back to normal. And life goes on.

Father and mother still happen. Often even. But he was already at the stage of not caring.

Because, although both parents often scream at each other during a fight, his life never lacked anything.

He can still enjoy all the facilities first, almost in all fields. Education, health, tertiary needs.

He can even have the most ngetrend goods, which many want by his friends. He can also get all the things, which are pleasing.

Yet in the depths without anyone knowing, even himself. She is still a lonely little girl, hungry for love.

But then, one moment managed to turn his world around. It becomes more broken.

That afternoon after the dance lessons, he again saw his father and mother fighting in the middle room. I don't know what's the problem this time. He doesn't care either. Prefer to store shoes into the shelves. But a pretty loud voice, though,

THE PLAQUE!

Followed by hiss restraint mother.

He managed to make his kneecap seem to fall down. Limp helpless.

"This is the first time your father hit me" mummy murmured at the dinner table, teary-eyed.

Of course after you left while slamming the door. Until the hinge almost dislodged. Then the sound of the engine. And the squealing of the car tires is a sign of anger.

"You should be a smart boy, Kinan," mummified the mother with flushed cheeks from a slap.

"School is high."

"Don't get colonized by men."

"Don't want to be trampled on by a husband."

"And ..." mom looked at him with a face full of tears. "Don't marry a cop."

His lips were tightly clenched. Tongue's cow. Both of his hands even fell down beside his waist. Never once tried to extend it to comfort mom.

His heart is dead. Tasteless feeling. It could even be that his blood had become cold.

But one that he never realized. That all the sentences spoken by the mother, managed to enter into the self without exception.

Everything was.

The smallest detail.

Settle inside and start acting as a self-master.

He never even realized. If his life had changed since then.

It changed very drastically.

 --------

If there is a first blow, there will most likely be a second hit ... third.

Such is.

Her pre-teen years were spent inside the house, which was filled with an aura of anger, emotion, hatred, and physical blows.

He remained silent. Budging. Never want to get dizzy.

Until finally, the abusive behavior of the father began to be smelled by the extended family of both parties.

Father and mother were tried by the eyes and the pakde.

It was there too.

Heard everything.

But try hard to ignore.

And one more thing, which he could not understand about the adult world. It was after a trial that lasted all day. Soon after, she was pregnant for the second time.

Yep. He will have a sister at the age of 13.

Has your attitude and attitude changed towards your mother? No longer rude?

I don't know. He was truly apathetic.

But for sure, the father and mother quarrel still happened. Even when the mother is pregnant old and half-dead hassles. Although not as often as before.

And finally, his younger brother was born faster than expected. He was hospitalized for almost a month. But once the sister returns home, her affection and love immediately grows.

But unfortunately, Miko's motor development is far behind compared to babies her age. Miko can't even sit on her own even though she's over a year old.

After visiting a number of specialists. Then through a series of medical examinations. Neurologist diagnosed Miko with Cerebral Palsy.

Miko needs special treatment and therapy.

Miko also had to undergo a series of operations to recover her motor movements.

But all the efforts have not been fruitful.

Miko is like a baby. Which must be met with all his needs. Although Miko's age continues to grow.

Since then, his anger has become more.

Even more terrible than before.

All business can provoke the anger of the father. Even for small things.

He was also hit.

One evening, I just got home from extra-curricular activities at school. Somehow at first, suddenly the father rose apitam as soon as he saw his appearance at home.

And as he passed in front of the father, he was walking towards the room. A hard kick came in hitting his shin.

"Arek (son) se tan! I just got home at this hour!"

At that instant, the empty space in his heart became increasingly empty. No rest.

He really hates men. Hating the police profession. And hate himself.

Since the tragedy of the shin kick, he never spoke to his father. Even to say hello.

To him, the figure of the father is gone.

However, even though it has been steady to choose the path of silence and indifference, the wound in the heart turns out to be increasingly gnawing.

He could tremble in fear, just from looking at the brown corps uniform from a distance.

He will also automatically go dodging, if the opposite sex comes closer.

Even the classmates were approaching, for wanting to ask about the lesson. Cold sweat could instantly flood his entire body.

As scared as he felt towards the figure of "man" and "chocolate uniform".

She grew up to be a cold girl, afraid of the opposite sex, and a dead heart.

My mom and dad eventually separated. When he almost finished his doctor's education.

It is like a law of nature. The more he hates something, the closer he gets to the thing he hates.

It doesn't really make sense.

So when the mother asks him, to get acquainted with the son of a friend. He can't refuse.

"Who, Ma?" tanyanya wants to know.

"So old school friends."

He hissed in disbelief, "Mom still believes in you? After all this time?"

I just smiled, "It's for your own good, Kinan."

"Mother and father's business is another matter."

"It's all about your future."

"Slips, bebet, the weights can be all."

That man is Mas Tama.

Yep. Which woman is not fascinated by the dashing appearance and knightly attitude always shown by a Wiratama Yuda.

Has he fallen in love?

I don't know.

Because even though there is still fear and cold sweat that floods. But he admits, if Mas Tama really has met, the entire criteria of a dream husband of any girl in this world.

Without many transverse arals, she was willing to "surrender herself" to be Mas Tama's wife.

Is he happy?

I don't know.

After all, even though Mas Tama was always nice to him, he could not feel the "strange leaflets" or sparks (sparks-love-) between the two of them.

So as the age of their marriage grew, he began to realize that Mas Tama is not the type of romantic that is very coveted. It even tends to be workaholic.

There was another side in him that had suddenly "appeared" to the surface.

He himself is unable to overcome it.

"Sorry, Mas. I can't go" she refused without hesitation. When Mas Tama was transferred to a small town in the southern part of East Java.

"They're still babies," so the reason he put it.

To be honest he was very hopeful, Mas Tama would look into his eyes fixedly. Then asked with full gentleness,

"You're okay, aren't you, De? You all right?"

It will definitely be directly scattered into the arms of Mas Tama. Then cry out. It tells the whole scariest story he has ever experienced in the past.

But in reality, Mas Tama was just staring with a confused face. Then a moment later nodded, "Okay, if that's what you want."

Right then, he really felt lost in direction and backrest.

Feeling unloved by your husband.

Feeling unwanted.

Feeling not fought.

Feeling dwarfed, silent, lonely, alone. But no one understands or realizes.

Making him immerse himself in work, studies, and other activities related to improving self-quality for a brilliant future.

Does he still love Mas Tama?

I don't know.

Because he doesn't even remember loving Mas Tama.

Waves of "anger" currents in the past completely overpowered him. Lead his steps without excuse.

And before he decided to "become an ungodly wife", he had first met Dara, his sister-in-law who lived in Jogja.

"Keep all my stories well," he said solemnly.

"One day, something unwanted happens. You already know what the real story is."

Dara refused.

But he begged.

Because he really can no longer live a "normal life."

Moreover, the excessive anxiety for almost the rest of his life, has resulted in a frigid verdict against him.

Dara finally agreed. Even with a forced.

"I can help, Mba. I can help ..." said Dara repeatedly with a sad face.

"I have a psychologist acquaintance who ...."

But he refused.

He doesn't want to do anything.

He just wants to be alone.

Even if that meant, it would most likely sink into a no-man's vortex. Which could have destroyed all of his achievements.

This is the path he chose.

***

Information (from various sources) :

Apathy.: is an indifferent or indifferent attitude to everything that happens around (alodokter.com).

Cerebral palsy: or cerebral palsy is a disease that causes disruption in movement and coordination of the body. This disease is caused by impaired brain development, which usually occurs while the child is still in the womb.

This brain development disorder can also occur during labor or the first two years after birth (alodokter.com).

Frigid.: is one of the disorders se k sual which is characterized by decreased arousal se k sual or li bido in women, so it can not enjoy the relationship with a partner (doktersehat.com).

Killing me softly is a song by Norman Gimbel and Charles Fox. Performed by Roberta Flack. He won the Grammy Awards in 1973. However, the song reached the peak of popularity when it was covered by the hiphop group, The Fugees in the 1990s.

Killing me softly is a 2002 Hollywood thriller. Starring Heather Graham.

Killing me softly in this chapter, has nothing to do with the two things above. Just take it as a chapter title. Because the implied meaning is right with the contents of the story Renjana Dusk Kala.