Recycling

Get lost

In a black car on the street. I was stunned looming in the air without a word and kept quiet always like calm water. His father Martin Sirikanjana rebuked me, which was like a typical sound.

“Why are you, Narak?” He asked me with his voice a little raucous.

For a moment of thought I wanted to be honest that I had remembered the past, but it would probably be caught shamefully by some people. The past should stay there and let it all flow like river water and clear water, that is the point of view for some who say that the past should not be remembered anymore. Forget it and let it pass.

While I don't know his father Martin Sirakanjana is typical of what kind of person? If I could tell him honestly that I remembered the past, I might have been exposed to a lecture that I obviously didn't want to hear.

As quickly as possible to find excuses in my brain at a super-fantastic speed I've never done so far.

I'm rattling, scratching my head. “Oh, that was I remember about my desire to meet the lecturer. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to ask permission and it seemed like I would take some time off for a few days, I was busy daydreaming. Yep, yeah, actually I was thinking about what and how I was being respectful to him and I was trying to string that respectful sentence in my mind as well as I would later say to him so that he smiling and happy, he will give me permission to take time off. That's what my mind is now and the reason why I was daydreaming looking down the street.”

I felt sorry for telling a lie as if I was a liar who was good at shutting myself off from others, actually that's what I was thinking this morning talking to grandfather. Regarding the leave period and my own wishes that agree when hearing the advice that grandfather gave to leave. Meeting Wapta who was there so that my longing could be destroyed, disappeared from my head and I could be reunited with him.

Staring at her beautiful smile that made my veins like dozens of flowers blooming simultaneously. Like a calm choppy ocean and a calming breeze.

“Summary you want to take time off?” His father Martin Sirakanjana asked.

I forgot to explain. He was driving and he was not like most people out there who, when he had a car, also had a private driver who served his master, in contrast to his father Martin Sirakanjana this simple-looking with his style that for some reason when I sat with him came to feel a pleasant aura, I could not understand.

Meanwhile, Martin Sirkanjana alone sitting in the back seat seemed to listen to the conversation between the two of us.

Which I don't think Martin Sirikanjana will understand because he doesn't speak Indonesian. He's not like the two of us. When he heard that question his father asked me. At first glance it was my grandfather's face, about what we discussed this morning in the dining room.

“It looks like you have something you want to do. If you don't mind telling me, I can listen to your whole story.”

His father Martin Sirkanjana this time looked smilingly at me. The black car continued to go with the gas pedal which seemed to be a little slower than before.

I smiled back at his smile. I am happy to explain and tell it. “Iya, that's because I gave a statement this morning with my grandfather and discussed it. My grandfather gave me that advice. In Indonesia, there is one old acquaintance who I really want to meet, I have not met him for a long time. That is the reason why I decided and agreed with the advice given by grandfather. I want to take time off.”

I explained at length to him. Even then it was more detailed everything and longer than just that. Exactly the same moment where my grandfather and I were chatting together in the dining room earlier, busy with each other staring at me talking about what I was going through.

About my longing for the Wapta. Martin Sakiranjana there will not understand because I spoke to his father in Indonesian which is clear only me and his father understand.

I never thought that her father was a good listener and always connected with me. During that time he and I spoke felt four eyes from heart to heart carefully, harmonious and reverent.

“Your youth is not much different from me, Narak. But, this one must be a lot different between me and you. Once upon a time I crossed the island by boat because the plane was stuck and my longing had been great. It's like that famous Hollywood movie, Narak. And I never thought that day the ship I was on right in the middle of the ocean had an accident and a great fire was burning from the stern of the ship. At that time the choice of people faced with the ocean, jump or end up burning. I didn't look at it for long, jumping off the ship. Surely with a hull on my neck. At that time I tried to swim with my breath and spirit soul so that I did not know when I arrived at the beach. You know all that I did just to fulfill my intention to meet someone I loved a long time ago.”

He's told me a lot longer than just that. More details about the contents of the entire story he experienced, about the story of how his struggle was adventurous tracing the place to the place to meet the woman of his dreams who had been his legal wife, so far, the woman he loved and missed. That's what he said, during the search for identity, his father Martin Sirikanjana turned out to be a traveler who thirsts for knowledge.

I fell silent like a statue under the scorching sun. No sweat, just being able to be silent listening to every story told by him, he said, before he told me to tell him about myself and at the end of the day he told himself the story about him without me asking. So far the conversation between me and his father Martin Sirkanjana that I never thought possible.

The marriage was the end of the story of his father Martin Sakiranjana until the time when his first daughter was born into the world and named Martin Sakiranjana.

“You know a few days before, Martin Sirikanjana painstakingly learned Indonesian. He told me some vocabulary and all that he did just because he wanted to be able to talk to you more freely and comfortably he said.” His father arrived at the end of the story and mentioned it.

It made me feel like I was receiving a surprise. That means now he can understand what we're talking about.

His father seemed to laugh. “Do you feel worried she knows about your longing for that woman?”

I didn't answer a word because I was suddenly confused about what to answer? The man in the black suit continued to drive. From the beginning I should have called it by the name of a person in a black suit to impress cool. Today, it's like I lost another me, I don't know if it's okay, it's nothing.

“Take it easy, Narak. Your secret you told me was safe. Some time ago, not long ago two days before, I often noticed Martin Sirikanjana when it was repeating vocabulary and he only learned Indonesian to introduce himself. He still needs to learn more and it will obviously take a lot of time, a lot he doesn't know yet. About what you told me before, that's youth. As long as I hear your story, I understand the feeling of you still missing that woman, Narak. And one more thing you should know is that I also understand my daughter's feelings.”

The man in black explained. My mind and my heart were wide in disbelief at what my ears caught. It's the wind or the lying words of his father.

“What do you mean talk like that?”

The person in black was slightly laughing, then patting my shoulder. “I mean Martin Sirakanjana wants to be good friends with you. He spends his daily time just learning the Indonesian he wants to show you. One day, you'll understand, Narak. How does a father feel to his son.”

I was listening to everything. It seems like this problem is just me being baper. The black-clothed person simply mentioned the feelings of his daughter who wanted to be good friends with me. I think every parent will understand the feelings of a child they have cared for and raised with affection.

The affection that melts into a bunch of light when stared at also feels soothing and united in the space of thought and calm the heart.

Flying through the clouds with an iron bird for the second time in my life. Grandfather was right, I should immediately tell him my feelings. Come as a man and propose to him, without further rambling.

The longer my feelings are hidden, the more tormenting I am with long sentences in the form of longing and various expectations that somehow come and go and I have difficulty separating.

The words of the black-clothed person earlier tried to get away from my mind. Staring at her by maintaining a smile so that she would not be offended.

“The woman you missed is how is she now?” The man in black asked again.

I shook my head and answered. “During this time I and he almost never communicate through a mobile phone that I actually do not have his mobile number, only a while ago we communicated through the medium of mail. That's a situation I can't imagine. Why and why the reason, I also do not understand.”

“I don't know about the reason why I became the one who couldn't reach him and I hope you understand more. Regarding my wish to be reunited with him because in my previous life he was the lamp that illuminated the path of my life that I had once felt indecisive in stepping and going where? I was like a lost and confused person. Until now I feel that the feeling of worry is still inside me and sometimes reappears like something I can't explain. For me he is probably the best soul mate who can illuminate the path of life that has made me lost.”

“That day when I sent him a letter, my head felt more difficult to write and various other things that burdened me in writing it, sometimes there was a feeling of not having to and so on, and so on, even though it was just a sentence of asking, how are you. Those two words took almost all day and it could weigh me down in this regard.”

Right now I use formal language as well as I can. Explain the content of feelings that feel no need to be understood by him. As long as I can hold fast to my longing for the woman I love, everything and hopefully it will be fine.

With a calm gaze I tried to imagine a large yacht that stopped at the pier. The woman was there, waving her hand.

Imagine a large cruise ship that stops at the dock. The woman was there, giving her best smile.

I'm like a man lost in the wilderness. Tareless and often flickering remain there, trapped by her love that troubles me in finding a way out.

Right now I want to shout in an arrogant manner, not caring about the people around me. In the middle of the wilderness, who would hear him?

A scream for help in a proud tone. But, it crossed the line from my ability and speech which is now not part of my talent anymore. Where the beginning of my life used to say this and that. Talking is a talent I have. It was then and everything was lost to me, exactly three years ago.

Three years ago, my world was more beautiful than it is now. Slowly somehow as if dark clouds bubbling up appeared and covered the shining sunlight at that time, leaves and strong winds. Wiped out until it was as silent as autumn whose wounds scattered, uncertain the boundary of the footing.

For three years, I did not meet Wapta. It was in this third year that my longing reached a serious stage where the feeling arose and weighed on the days I was living. It even makes me unable to look at other women. In the city of Bangkok and the university that I have been exploring in my life. It doesn't seem to give me much time to live.

In addition to remembering about Wapta, my life felt like being imprisoned by him to the limit of endless longing, between the ocean of words and the trough of mariana. As long as I live I never express my feelings directly to him.

“I found out after hearing your story and I understand the feeling you are currently feeling. But, it seems like you need to go to a psychologist to dampen your feelings, that's the advice I give you. Why from the very first moment do you feel that longing has been burdensome for you and you still want to get stuck on your feelings?”

The man in the black suit started a question sentence that I thought he would speak to me again, let it be and it seems like it is my own fault for being unintentionally quick to speak and even discuss it which I should not say.

From the beginning I shouldn't have said it and even this incessance until my mouth unconsciously told me my longing. I miss one of the women I have loved in silence. Like getting lost in the middle of the jungle.

“What's your reason, Narak?” The guy in the suit asked like he was making sure.

The previous moment I did not answer and again fell silent daydreaming with a motionless body, silent a thousand languages.

And this time, I looked at him. Looked at both of his eyes. “I also do not know the reason why I remain in this phase and remain adamant longing, I can not explain a thing that I myself do not know the reason.”

At that moment I rubbed my face numb, without realizing this mouth was saying anything else from me. It was as if I was the brave and tough adventurer, fearless and unacquainted with who I was. Could it be that it was even presumptuous before him?

I didn't think much about it, it just came out like a car without brakes. I've made my decision.

The decision that seemed right in my eyes, whether true or not? I'm still worried about both options.

Inside the black car that kept speeding through the streets of the city, the, I sighed with my mind and heart trying to be sure as if I wanted to go to see Wapta to release all my feelings that had been burdensome every day that I went through.

The longing that I made sure was like a sword and a wound that never ended. This is the karma in my life.

Because I don't know why until now I still feel guilty about him.

Look, the streets are crowded. The roar of the voice that was heard now and outside the window I felt the wind blowing like a torrential rain that touched my head like the clapping of the hand of a little angel who was trying to calm the mind of this mind.

In terms of loving someone I feel there is a love of sorrow that I pass firmly I keep in writing. There is a feeling hidden from mere bitterness and a blind sense of shock with this self-incompetence passes through all the rages of feeling.

I'm like a man lost in the wilderness. Tareless and often flickering remain there, trapped by her love that troubles me in finding a way out.