My Sacrifice is worthless

Hijrah (Mother) 4

Ita grew up to be a smart kid. He rarely cried and was sick.

Right at the age of Ita the third month, it turns out I was pregnant again the second child. God entrusted His care back to my womb.

Pregnant this time was very heavy, I often vomited and dizzy so Ita was more often with his grandparents. While the husband is looking for extras by working side. If the rainy season arrives, we can no longer go to the rubber garden, inevitably we have to find other alternatives. Like now my husband is a gold chauffeur. Look for gold seeds somewhere that is believed to be the place where gold grains exist.

"Hopefully, this time you're pregnant with a boy huh, Na?" mother said that afternoon.

"Aamiya.. Let's be a couple, Mom?" I also hope the same.

"Yes. Actually your husband has two younger sisters, Na," said Sayu's mother.

"Where are they, Mom?" manya curious.

"They died, as children, sick. We were late to bring them to treatment because of the lack of money, Na, "sorry mother wiped her tears.

"Patience, Mom? Later the brothers will wait for mother at the door of His heaven," comforted me, rubbing her back,"

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It was not near the time of my birth. Mother always controls what I complain, several times also mother bringaki for control in the puskesmas and no problems in my womb.

Ramadan has arrived. This is the second Ramadan I embraced Islam. I am very happy to observe fasting, taraweh and teaching even in a two-bodied state. I learned to teach in the nearest surau while for prayer I studied in the prayer guidebook guided by my husband.

Lebaran this time mother, father and bang Adi invited me to spread out to their family home in their hometown. There were uncles, aunts and mother's voices. Bang Adi is the oldest of his cousins. I am happy to have a new brother and family. We went around to the homes of all relatives until one week of Lebaran just returned to the village.

That night, my stomach was cramping and heartburn. I told mom about it. Unlike previous births, this time the process was very quick.

"Your daughter again, Na. Beautiful and white adorable," said my in-laws cheerfully. Thank goodness she wasn't disappointed because my daughter was a girl again. We gave him the name Fitri, because he was born after two weeks of Eid al-Fitr which means holy again.

The more cheerful the whole house with the presence of my second child. Fitri is very close to her brother, even if she does not want to stay even if only bathing. Mother loves Fitri very much while the father is closer to Ita. Father and Mother had been married for a long time, but they had no children. That's why they love their grandchildren so much.

"Sir, it looks like we need to move out of here" my husband said that morning.

"Loh, what's up, Bang? Is there a problem?" I was worried about looking at his worried face.

"Not a serious problem, it's just that the job opportunities here are already difficult, let alone the rainy season. We'll try our luck to my uncle's village. There we can become farmers and pickers of coconuts or clear the land of others" explained my husband at length. I thought for a moment. This may be the best path for our family. At that time, Ita was only two years old and Fitri was one year old, still did not require much cost. However, the more they grow, the more their needs, especially if they are going to school.

We decided to move, of course with my in-laws. We paid our respects to my aunt and brothers first. Aunt let go with tears.

"Be careful boh ka' urakng region, keep watch and suaminyu child. Dimae the earth rests on na'un the sky in jintangng. Take care of yourself' as pandatakng," aunty's message. (meaning: be careful in the village people, take care of yourself, and your husband's child. Where the earth rests there the sky in the arbor. Keep our adab as a newcomer).

There was not much we could carry because of the lack of transportation. Our stuff was put in my sister's house. The trip we traveled quite far, had to move twice the bus and take a motorcycle taxi to enter the village again.

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A week here, my uncle's wife's attitude started to change for us. He becomes more sniffy when talking and his face more often looks sour. This is how it is if hitchhiking in people's homes, even though I always try to help whatever the housework. Cooking, washing, and doing clothes. We also shopped for our food. Unlike my aunt, my uncle is very happy we are here, at least the house feels crowded with children's laughter he said.

My husband has got a job from day one here, he'll be with his friend looking for house materials in the wilderness. So I and the children stayed here waiting for him to come home and build a house.

Mother lives in the house of her in-laws who are residents here, there is no way I ask to stay there while there are brothers of the father-in-law who are still tinhhal together. My in-laws look at her grandchildren every day, especially Fitri, and always buy her whatever Fitri wants. I feel like you're a favoritist, but I always brush off that feeling.

A week later my husband came home, brought some materials for our house. Bang Adi asked the vacant landowners for permission to set up a cottage there and they allowed. We set up a house not far from the river bank to make it easy if you want to bathe and wash.

With the help of some friends, our house stood firm. It is simple, but this is our palace. Plank floor, clapboard and leaves and leaf roof. Just avoiding the heat and rain was enough for me. No mattresses, no electronics, we still use pandan mats and kerosene lamp lighting. Alhamdulillahot.

Me and the kids often in the husband's stay to go back to work and come back after 3 days to a week. If the night is approaching, only the sounds of owls and but-but birds are earthy. Add to the fun every night.

The days I spent with my children. They never fuss about food, even we often eat only with salt and oil if my husband has not come home. To ask in-laws I'm not good because our livelihood is the same.

I'm back pregnant. The third child candidate even though ita was only three years old and Fitri four years old. My husband and I want to have a son. Hopefully this time it will happen. My in-laws are so happy, I hope I don't disappoint him again.

That night it rained heavily, interspersed with the sound of lightning and wind. Husband's not home, it's just the three of us. I did not dare to close my eyes, my children slept on my lap with my position sitting on their heads. The giggling sound of happiness was unceasingly behind the house. Well, there's a forest and a banana tree behind my house. I shook to hear it, I read whatever Surah I memorized. But instead of subsiding it is getting closer. I have to be reckless, I carry my two children one in front and one in back using a pull. I covered their whole body so as not to get wet. With a basmallah, I walked quickly out of the house. The voice followed for a while when it had not yet met the house of the people. I cried in fear, I hastened my footsteps to get to the house of in-laws. It takes 20 minutes on foot.

It was still raining, my children were shivering in the cold because we didn't use umbrellas. I, who was pregnant young, was very tired of carrying my two children. Arriving at Mother's house, I immediately bang on the door like it was about to collapse. It was my father who opened the door.

"Oh my God, I've been worried since and want to catch up with you soon with your mother" he explained.

"You guys are okay? Let's drink first after that change your clothes," said the mother worried to see me noiseless and pale face pasih. Mom immediately changed her grandson's clothes and asked them to sleep in the room.

"I told you the creature likes you, Na. Especially now that you're pregnant, they're getting happier" explained mom. I was getting scared to hear Mom's words. Finally I slept beside my mother and children, while my father slept outside.

The next day, I want to go home. "Happy you can go home but you have to sleep here as long as your husband is not home" she said. I had to follow my mother's advice if I didn't want to repeat the last night.

After my husband, I told him everything. At first he didn't believe my story, but everything was justified by the in-laws. Forced for the sake of my comfort and that of my children, we moved back in an empty warehouse a few meters away from the house of in-laws. While our old house was torn down by our husband.

"For while we're here first huh, Dek? Until I have enough money to rebuild the house. While we find a location that is crowded with neighbors," persuaded the husband.

"Yes Bang, I don't care if me and the kids feel safe" I replied.

My husband returned to work as usual. Stay with the kids.That night I felt bad, like something was going to happen. However, I brushed away as far as possible the thought. Innate my inner baby. I checked all the doors and windows before going to bed, after feeling safe I rushed after the children to sleep.

"How long have I been asleep. It was like hearing footsteps in the house, I sharpened my hearing but still pretended to sleep quietly. The longer it gets closer to me and the kids, I've prepared with a kitchen knife in my hand that I always keep under the mat if the husband is not home.

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