Materialistic

6-A Decision

"Hijab is not easy and light for women. There is a huge responsibility and burden in it. Where is the fate of a father that is a bet."

•••

As long as I was Papah's daughter, she had just made a request this time. Honestly, what Papah wants I haven't been able to deliver. I've enjoyed times like the present that are not constrained by rules. It is not a matter of opening and closing the aurat, but of faith and mental readiness. I know that closing the aurat is obligatory, inviolable and objectionable because it is the direct command of the Creator. But what is my power that does not have above average religious knowledge. Faith is still slack. Mandatory worship is indeed I do although sometimes with compulsion, even though I still can not leave.

Salat Kebaksiat Jalan or more familiar with the nickname STMJ, that is what is attached to my personality now. I know what Allah forbids and I have to do, but because of my foundation I am ignorant and bad still break the rules. It's not that I don't want to improve, it's just that I haven't got what people call 'hidayah'. That one word is still gray in my eyes. Sometimes I envy other people or public figures who work wara-wiri on television, they say he 'migrated' for getting 'hidayah'. As a normal human being, I asked for an explanation. Why did God give them His guidance so easily. Whereas me?

Every lecture and advice that comes from Mamah or religious leaders is just like the wind and then that awakened me at that time alone. A few minutes or the next day just disappeared, leaving no trace. Is it because my heart is so dark that God will not show me the way of light? I don't know until now I didn't get that answer. I am a sinful man who only makes the angels dizzy, recording all my sins that are too much and maybe if my sins are seen the heavens and the earth is filled with sins that I made.

The soft elusan that came from Papah's big hand brought me back to consciousness. He showed me his best smile, which made my chest flutter. "Papah will not mean you, even though Papah actually deserves it. But Papah won't do it, Papah wants you to realize it yourself. Papah's duties and obligations are only to pray and give you direction, for the business of finally let God determine."

My heart is like being struck by thousands of swords. It's very sick. I am blessed by a parent who loves me so much with all my heart, giving her love and selfless love. But the reply they received was not worth what they had done. How am I so bad with them? Don't know yourself. That's me!

Without command I smashed Papah's body so tightly, and sobbed in his warm embrace. I was at a loss for words to express what I was currently feeling. My mind is turbulent with a variety of flavors that overlap there.

"Ah ah don't cry. The time of Papah's great and powerful daughter became crybaby," he entertained while giving a loving elusan right above the top of my head.

Papah was busy and difficult to divide time for me and Mamah, but once he was beside us, he was so good at putting himself and making up for the time that had been wasted. A minute lost will he replace with hours that we can never forget.

Papah smiled his smile and stroked my right cheek, then said, "The Father will not give you an answer for what you ask. But Papah wants you to answer one question." My forehead shriveled cluelessly, but a small nod I gave it.

"If you buy a makeup tool, you must try it first, right? Take the lipstick example. When you decide to buy the item, you want to receive the item on display and have tried many people? Or just ask the waiter to get a new lipstick and still stored in the warehouse?"

Steadily without a second thought I replied, "Yes ask the servant to take a new one, Pah. Loss dong I've bought expensive but dapet former people." Papah smiled more and more and it even made me confused.

"Father is just as rich as you are. Not to lose. Papah whose love you overflow affection and also meet all the financial needs you need. Yes, you are also the one who leads Papah to hell because it does not close the aurat. Delicious in you not tasty in Papah dong."

The explanation is simple but stabs right into the chest. Until I managed to silence my mouth which sometimes can not be silent. Why didn't I think about it this far? My mind was too narrow to forget my duty to protect Papah from the heat of hellfire. How cruel and evil I have been all this time. Pushing Papah closer to hell, because of the stupidity and arrogance of my heart. The title of an ungodly child does not know himself, it feels very worthy to be pinned to me, maybe even not worth it and still less. Very less to be exact.

I steadily clasped Papah's hand, staring at his two beads. "Bismillah, Adara wants to kabulin Papah request," I said full of earnestness. It has been enough all this time that I have fostered sin, which I have always trivialized. My eyes and heart were opened wide. The simple words that Papah uttered were like a whip so powerful it struck. Leaving behind scars and pain so deep. The scars may disappear, but the pain caused will always be imagined. Something that I consider to mean nothing and will not have a bad impact in the future, it became a boomerang that I could not avoid.

Papah's eyes look teary and re-enfold my body tighter. The conscious tears I tried to hold back shed without consent. Just this time I saw the sharp shaded eyes Papah spit out the clear liquid. I hope it is tears of happiness and not sadness.

"Good night and beg His guidance to establish your heart, son. Whatever answer you get, God willing will be Papah Ridhoi" he whispered behind my back.

~TBC~