Materialistic

37-Honesty

"Choosing me as his woman is like throwing himself into the hell of a world I created unconsciously."

the Adara Mikhayla Siregar

•••

The law of cause and effect is true, and right now I am experiencing it myself. I planted a lot of big lies and now I have to swallow a bitterness. Being a liar turned out to be terrible. Overshadowed by sin that is always circling endlessly, everything is very complete. I regret having ever put together a lie. I thought it would make me free from the snare of marriage. But in reality, it's only getting worse. I really don't like myself being listed as a liar.

"Why do you use the show to talk to Nyokap me all the way?" I immediately rewarded Arda with a sharp question.

Mamah went straight home when she found out the fake news that Arda was revealing. He was so happy and enthusiastic, even he said he would soon give thanks. Arda is brash! He could have made a big decision without asking me for approval.

"I don't want to take any chances, Adara. No matter how the child you bear deserves a confession, what else are your parents. God willing I am sincere and will regard the son of Lukman as my own son" he said with a forced smile.

I was out of words and confused what else to answer. Only a foolish man would accept the pregnancy of his wife caused by another man. And Ard is the one.

"Lo stupid, Arda! Lo stupid!" I was only able to spit out that sharp sentence. I don't like to get Arda's kindness that's gone too far. He should have cursed and scolded me, as I always did. Not even as it is now.

"I know, Dar. Love is blinding and destroying, until it unknowingly makes me what I am today. A fool? Yes I am a fool Adara."

My joints were getting weaker when I heard the string of sentences he had thrown. He has wrongly chosen me as his heart's port. This is a big mistake Arda has made. Choosing me as his woman was like plunging himself into the hell of a world that I had created unconsciously. It was suffering that he would only get, not a single speck of happiness there.

"Enough! I don't want any more of your bullshit!" As much as I could focus my gaze on him, but I couldn't lie to myself, that it was like thousands of tons of steel were squeezing my chest. It feels so tight and painful. Fact after fact is popping up and making my head dizzy.

"I accept you as you are, Adara. I know you don't have the same feelings as me. But I hope our marriage can last and live a long life. For the sake of our child-to-be," he said still with a big smile. Stop doing good to me. I feel unworthy to accept all this. Very inappropriate.

"Pull all your bullshit! And I ask you to bury your feelings deeply. Until whenever I won't be able to bales your feelings." I must succeed in making him retreat, if necessary hate me all. I no longer want to extend everything, especially with a lot of big lies. Enough to get here. I'm not strong anymore.

"And take a good note in your brain. The baby I am carrying is Lukman's flesh and blood. Not lo! Take that, Arda."

I know it. What Arda says is the truth. Mamah always reminded me of adultery and its laws, so often reminded, it is very inherent in memory. That's what scares me to not allow my male friends to make physical contact, even if it's just holding hands. It's a red zone and it can't be breached.

Indeed, at first only limited to interlocking hands, stare, and who knows from the simple things it can have an impact on the actions of adultery that God does not want. Satan is very good at tempting people to follow his steps, and as much as possible I fortify myself so as not to fall into the act of adultery. Prevention is better than cure.

The law of God is strict and sometimes terrible, but the law of man is much more painful. Stamped as a cheap woman because of being pregnant outside of marriage. Children who are born holy without sin must swallow a lot of insults and insults from the surrounding environment. Being ostracized and being the subject of gossip is an inevitable major bonus, but it should be accepted by a tiny, sinless baby? Is fair? Obviously not. The ones who commit adultery are his father and mother, but why should he accept the impact?

Not getting recognition from his biological father is a bitter reality that must be accepted by the child of adultery. There is no right to inherit each other's wealth, because it is very clear that the child's nasab falls on his mother. He has no right to use bin on behalf of his biological father, especially if the child is a woman. It is not legal for the marriage if the child uses the name of the father and makes his father a guardian. The one who was harmed here was clearly his son.

I, as a woman, just want to remind. O women who have a crown of shame, O key holders of orgasm, the chance of adultery is in your hands. Do not be a cheap woman, who easily gives up the key. We are all convinced that adultery is impossible as long as we do not let the key fall into the hands of the crocodile man. They won't dare to forcibly seize the key, before we hand it over. Because all men do not want to be labeled as pem****sa.

"Gue doesn't pantes with you. I am a sinner, while you are a holy angel without sin. You deserve a girl who's better than me." I can finally get that word out. I know myself enough. There's no story of a good man standing with a sinful woman like me.

"Every human being has sin, and so do I. God favors the repentant sinner more than the man who pretends to obey, but in reality he is lost. The wrath of God is great, but His forgiveness is far greater."

Arda's words hit my heart hard. Throw down my defenses, until the clear droplets did not seem to flow profusely from both corners of my eyes. The vastness of the sea will never be commensurate with the sins I have committed. Even the height of the sky will not be able to accommodate my already innumerable sins. Is there any chance for a sinner like me to receive His mercy and forgiveness?

"When I have decided to bind you to the marriage contract, I have promised before God and our parents to love, protect, care for, and guide you. I'm always chatty and remind you of this and that, all that I do because I love you. I don't want you to fall for sins you don't realize. I am your priest, I am responsible for all the deeds you do, both visible and not at all, whether you are aware of them or not at all. Never do you feel unworthy to be with me, because in reality I am the one who always felt that way. Your male friends are no match for what I deserve to be a rival. I'm nothing compared to all of them."

I am becoming more and more full of unbelief. My gaze was already very foggy, because of the tears I could no longer hold. Arda's honesty was so painful and made me even more overwhelmed with endless guilt. I always treated him badly. Never appreciated it at all. Always thought he was a low-class man who didn't deserve to be with me. There are so many mistakes I have made, that I am ashamed to tell them all.

"Adara," she called out softly, even she was so bold as to wipe away my tears with her two thumbs.

"We fix everything. Open a new page and forget all our mistakes in the past. You want to, right?"

I just kept quiet and stared at the two beads of shady eyes of hers. Then I looked down again, for the first time I was nervous with a man. And that is Arda.

~TBC~