Learning to Be a Mother

8. I Can Do It Alone.

"Calistas, wake. Time to take a shower."

After a night of contemplation like someone with insomnia, I continued the following days with a more assertive attitude towards my children. Whether excessive or not, I definitely have to make them more obedient to me.

"Calistas."

Sometimes I pat her back against my existence. The time is still running until six in the morning and my son is still in his sleep. Usually Kalista became the first person to wake up in this house, but today was different, his body also looked limp. Is he sick?

Starting to worry, I finally shook her body as well. However, there was no reaction coming out of my son as if I was still unconscious about the temporary departure of others.

"Calista, wake!"

When I turned her body to face me, I could make sure that this girl was trying to vent her emotions in any way without making any noise outside the room. Judging from his messy hair, sweaty face, swollen eyelids, meaning yesterday Kalista did not intend to sleep. He overslept.

I tidied up some parts I could tidy up. Starting from blankets, pillows, messy items, hair, to a sleeping position that is still not pleasant to look at I set it in such a way.

Then I was made to focus wrongly on the sharp object next to my son's body. A cutter I've never seen, I doubt I've ever bought it. The object was in open condition, the knife advanced with a shaft that still looks pointed.

My feeling was not good, I immediately pulled on Kalista's sleeve, showing the marks from the blood red stripes she had just painted last night. Kalista, hurt himself.

"WAKE UP!" my snapping pulled his body up, making my son sit in shock with his uncollected consciousness. "WHY ARE YOU KAYAKING LIKE THIS!"

Her cheeks slapped tight, her voice blaring at my hearing with emotions that were at the climax. I looked at him annoyedly, even after this hand stained his cheek, my wrist was still clenched firmly. I'm so mad.

"sick."

"illness?" I repeated. "The sicker Mama who sees you is like this. Mama's disappointed, Kalista!"

"I'm more disappointed with Mama."

"What's wrong Mama, anyway, Kalista ... Oh God!" I moved away from him, covering my face with a raging feeling. Actually, what attitude makes Kalista become like this?

I don't understand, Kalista. I can't be the mom you expect me to be, I can't be the mom who almost touches the word perfect like the women out there. I'm still learning to understand my son, I'm still trying because it's my first time being a mother.

"Mom don't need to slap me," I see my son holding his cheek, I can see him holding back his tears as well. "I'm not going to ask Mama to understand me anymore."

"Calistas, Mama's trying to understand you."

Hearing that, my son immediately turned his attention to me. His body trembled, his gaze filled with great fury judging from his reddened eyes, those tears I could see from the distance we had now. We looked at each other for a long time.

"I can do it myself."

Then, his departure became the end of our meeting. He left me in his room in a messy state, maybe we were too noisy so as to invite the attention of his brother who had been standing at the door for some time.

Now Fathan looks at me, it's his turn to try to understand that we're both hurt. After hearing my son's words earlier, I couldn't blame him, I was also agitated by what I was doing earlier. It's not my fault, Kalista, nor my husband.

We just have the same desire, we both want to be understood. Both want to be understood by people who watch, both want to be hugged even though the mouth is unable to ask for help. I hope my son doesn't meet the one who's gonna hurt him again.

...***...

I woke Kalista up to have her take a shower and get ready to go to school, but after that, I think my son needs some time alone. He is not seen in the living room or the room, I do not know where Kalista is.

Maybe my son needs time for himself, to heal wounds that are still sore and cannot be treated even though there are thousands of drugs on display in many pharmacies. So I let him go.

After watching the indecent incident earlier, Fathan quickly dispatched himself to the place where he should be. Fathan decided to stay in school with his vehicle, left without greeting or asking about my situation after noticing our gazes met.

I know he must have been surprised to see what I did, but I think what I did was right. I hope that after this incident, Kalista will listen to me and will keep her attitude when she is with me.

If Fathan went to school and Kalista went out of nowhere, my husband just came out of his room with a neat appearance. With a black blazer as the outer of his shirt, he came up to me as a greeting from the word 'till see you later'.

"So noisy, what's up, anyway?"

"Oh, that." I was looking for the right excuse to dodge his scolding early in the morning. "Calistas are hard to build, so I'm trying to get angry with him. She's gone now."

I can't believe Cahyo actually smiled, even he rubbed my head as a form of tranquilization and appreciation a little.

"Good, sometimes they also need diomelin to want to massage with you," he said after sighing.

"I'll go first, yeah."

"Today home in the afternoon?"

"Malem."

I pouted, my lips pursed sadly. Even though we were in a good situation, I should have enjoyed our togetherness after there were similarities that made me and Cahyo feel calm to each other. But he's with his work again.

"What do you want to eat this malem? Let me buy it from outside."

My head is shaking slowly. "I don't want anything, I just want you to go home, Dad," I replied with a small smile. "But I like fruits."

As if understanding what I wanted, Cahyo laughed at what I said earlier. Finally, he nodded in understanding while holding my hand out of the house.

"Okay, I'll buy it, yeah. I'm leaving first."

"Be careful."

His grip was removed, I waved to him who was walking backwards towards a four-wheeled vehicle. We don't have a car, but he has a private driver who will take him away and come home.

I approached the fence, saw him get in the car. It seems like Cahyo left at the right time, he will arrive on time because his preparation also did not spend a long time. Moreover, today Cahyo woke up early.

The white car drove, taking my husband away from his home to where he was headed. Now all I think about is my son. Where did Kalista go?