Learning to Be a Mother

5. Trivialized.

"Don't say that to dad, Kalista" I whispered as I stared at him for a moment. "Not polite."

Not that I blame my son, but from his words yesterday, Kalista experienced a bruise on the elbow because of his father's encouragement. She was hurt because she said she was hurt because of my miscarriage.

If asked whether I was worried or not, of course I was worried, I felt guilty for my husband's treatment of her. Moreover, seeing my son's swollen eyelids, he must have cried all night. My chest's tight.

"Mama never understood my feelings."

"Why would you know if you never told me?"

"Not everything can be described, Ma."

Then, Kalista made his words as a conclusion to leave home. After finishing a plate of rice, he shook hands with me, and left for school without the last sentence. He left with a wound that had not healed.

I exhaled, glancing at his somber sister as if feeling bad. Actually Fathan and Kalista used to leave together, but this time no, Kalista's departure preceded his brother.

Oh my God, I forgot to give him pocket money! I immediately took the lunchbox in the kitchen and filled it with my rice, at least Kalista ate at school, I could eat at any time. So I turned to Fathan who was getting ready.

Earlier, I had taken a piece of paper to write a message that I forgot to bring her pocket money, hopefully Kalista read it.

...From Mama...

...Sorry, Mama forgot to give me your pocket money. The rice is eaten, yes. Mama apologized for yesterday, Mama dear Kalista....

"Mama, Fathan's leaving."

"Fathan, wait!" I chased after him after preparing Kalista's lunch. "Please this to Kalista, Mama forgot not to give her pocket money. Here the money is in the dalem envelope, the spoon is in the dalem where you eat. Later ...."

"Mrs ...." Fathan looked at me for a second. "Please, Fathan must love. Fathan's leaving, yeah."

I nodded after she shook hands with me. The motorbike was turned on, my son rode gallantly, then drove his left me and the hundreds of home appliances in this place.

I wave my hands, hoping their days are okay.

"Clearned!"

This is where it all started.

"Yes, one minute!"

I hurried over to the source of the voice, hoping that my husband would still be in a good feeling after waking up from his sleep. Usually he leaves at seven in the morning, I haven't cleaned the house because I woke up a little late.

"Twitch my towel."

I nodded, taking the item that Cahyo meant as her toiletries. As long as my husband rinses his body, I prepare breakfast and every need for the massenger bag that will be brought to work today.

Cahyo's bath time is not the same as the fathers who reportedly often chat on my Facebook homepage. The average shower a year, the 45-year-old man actually set the tenth minute as his longest period in the bathroom.

I don't think it's good. There might be a lot of people asking, "Why?" to me after hearing that opinion, I do not think Cahyo did it because of a rational mind and prioritizing the interests of work. Except ....

"I'm in a hurry, bring a lunchbox."

He doesn't like being at home.

"Eat here, it's still an hour, really."

"I'm leaving more quickly today."

"Yes, let the portion I set, yes."

I did deliberately lure him into this situation, I wanted to see if he would really leave me again or not assuming everything was fine. If there really is nothing to talk about, at least Cahyo makes a small talk to me.

Actually, who am I in his eyes?

"There's something I want to talk to you about."

"Attent."

I think I saw him activate the folding electronics. My attention is still watching even though the screen has been lit, I do not protest, rather do not want any problems that are getting longer. Lucky the thickness of my patience is not as thin as a tissue.

Cahyo directs his lead towards the social media site we always use, WhatsApp. There were many groups that filled his double, unread messages, as well as missed calls as if Cahyo was indeed a very important person in his office.

At this time, I felt calm because the contents did not show anything strange. Everything is natural, as well as my husband who did not cover the notifications or messages that I had seen at a glance earlier.

His fingers swiped the mouse over a group, the group containing conversations of fellow employees with discussions of their dinner. It looks like Cahyo had dinner with his partner yesterday, but I don't know the full activities.

Then, my husband typed a few sentences there. Finished with his message, he got a reply to the confirmation of acceptance from someone listed by the contact name 'Boss' there. Momentarily, my husband asked for a work permit at home today.

She ... gave up her job to talk to me?

"Are you okay with permission?"

"So, what do you want to say?"

The one who was initially touched, now felt as though he had to do it for me. I thought, Cahyo would understand and then act sweet as if realizing what he should have done while I was in the hospital, when my children had a fight, or when this situation was going on.

In fact, this man tends to think of me as an affair to be discussed with logic, not involving feelings, even grieving for my miscarriage yesterday. Cahyo, am I really talking to you right now?

"On the miscarriage yesterday."

Hearing the words that had just happened yesterday, Cahyo immediately corrected his sitting position, looking for the most comfortable place to talk about personal things that always sounded awkward. His face looked serious, but did not return my gaze.

"Why?"

"Why?" I repeated the question. "Where were you when I was in the hospital? Don't you think how I feel without you there?"

"I have business."

"Rushan?" I looked at him in disbelief. "What's more important than my pregnancy? If you're late and keep my ngunjungin, I can still be maklumin. But yesterday you were drunk, Dad. Dad's drunk."

"Well, that happened yesterday, right? Don't think about it."

So strange, I got gaping when Cahyo answered so easily, as if I just lost my wish to have a third child. Is he really that hard?

"Why are you, anyway?" This time, I ventured to shake her body. "Dad again have a problem? It's me, Dad. I'm Laras, your wife."

"There's still something to talk about?"

It turned out that my expectations were too high, but at least Cahyo could lie than I heard him say so. The lies I knew would be better than swallowing the fact that he didn't really care.

She's been troubling my pregnancy.

"Udah, go ahead."

After my body stood up, I had the last hope that my husband would prevent me from leaving. But until I got into the room, I was sure his eyes weren't following me anymore.