Learning to Be a Mother

17. Too Long.

"We're just a cement."

I exhaled, trying to understand the feelings of my son who had just arrived at the gates of puberty. Maybe it's hard for him, but I need to remind him too. I don't want her to be hurt by her own expectations.

"Yes, Mama knows. Mama just want to ngingetin, don't be too tight with Biyan. You also have a long journey, there is still much to do ...."

"Duh, Mama. I know it too! Not going to get pregnant."

"Lo if you say the old man does not need to shout, do not need to express!" said the man who was quite far away, maybe he understood what was being discussed by us through the response of his son earlier. "Once again you say so, I take HP lo. If I have to throw it away, I throw it away!"

Hearing an unpleasant word, Fathan was directed to calm his brother who was also carried away by emotions. Huft, it's my fault too, I shouldn't have discussed this in the open room. I had to bring her into the room before Cahyo got angry.

So I drove him to the room, asked him to sit on the bed with the door fully shut. I actually know about how bad my son feels hearing the comments and advice I gave earlier, but it's also important, I don't want him to just fall down later.

Neither me nor my son, we are both silencing. I tried to refine my words from now on, as well as Kalista who seemed to think with what I said earlier at the dinner table. He just learned.

"So Mama saw her with other women in the minimarket, Mama did not know who the person was," I said in an explanation. "So Mama doesn't want you later why, Mama just wants to tell you that."

As if not as expected, not the same as his expectations that might imagine how long my nagging will be, my son was silent for a few minutes. He was not able to answer, no longer taking the sentence of opposition that made us stuck in a debate.

From his folded lips, Kalista was definitely trying to digest well the meaning of my words earlier. He looked puzzled, silent with an expression wondering about the cause of Biyan being able to do just that. I don't know how they are doing at school, I hope they're okay.

"You don't have to worry, I can do it myself."

My head then shook. "This time Mama really wants to understand you," I said looking at him sincerely. "Sorry yesterday Mama slapped you, Kalista. Mama shouldn't be rude."

Calista was stunned, not knowing if she would cry or not. But to be sure, my son immediately hugged, speechless with his head resting on my shoulder. The negative energy tried to absorb as much as possible, neutralizing his feelings as well as that had deteriorated not because of being calm and peaceful.

My hands are directed to rub her fine hair, channeling help through a soft touch as a tranquilizer to my son. I don't know how long we haven't been like this, it feels like I just met a little Kalista that I took care of early on.

Although her hatred may outweigh her apology for me, I can be sure that my affection will always surround my children as an intangible protector.

Every parent must love their children, but not every parent can show their affection according to the wishes of the child.

Some show it through prolonged scolding, some show it with indifference because they want their children to be independent. Often parents misunderstand their thoughts and parenting to their children, their offspring are born in different times with their parents, so it is certain how to care for them is different.

I exhale, it must be hard for my son. Growing up in such a harsh environment and many of his sneers, it was also hard for me to always strive for Calista to look perfect in the eyes of many as our last hope.

Especially considering my son who is always stuck in controversy with his father, it is not easy to deal with my husband. Although I have known Cahyo for longer, sometimes I was appointed as a wife who does not understand the condition of the husband, as a woman who is still selfish, and has not dared to take a mature decision.

I was surprised to hear him ask. "What's wrong, Kalista?" I asked back, trying to make it clear why I could say that.

"What the hell, Ma." Then our cupping was removed, Kalista looked softer as she spoke to me now. "I'm tired, Mama's tired too, right?"

My smile formed. "Crubber doesn't mean we have to stop."

Calista nodded lightly. "If Fathan is tired too, Ma?"

I reacted confused even though I really thought. All this time I was always worried about Kalista, thinking her brother was stronger than I thought. He always looked neutral, didn't talk much unless he was in contact with his sister, also seemed to be fine.

I don't know what my eldest son is thinking, don't know what kind of grievances he's been hiding to date. But I hope my children will be stronger than their parents.

"Fathan is tired too, Kalista. He often debates with you because it's good for you too." I sat next to him in bed. "Everything, all this time Fathan talked a lot with Mama about you, he wanted you not to do anything."

My daughter pursed her lips. "But, Ma. Can you ask me something?"

"Can."

"I can't go around Biyan anymore, can I?"

"It's not so, my dear." I then continued, "You can deket as many people, can meet anyone. But don't overdo the opposite sex, they must be your learning team, yes."

Kalista nodded, her behavior was exactly at the age of Kindergarten when I reprimanded her after she fell. "I also want to play, I want to like people."

For some reason, hearing the last statement made my chest tight. What he said seemed to be a gap between my family and the families of the many people out there, I also feel that our lives are not as beautiful as the expectations that I and Cahyo had dreamed of when we were not yet bound to each other.

Once again, the feeling of guilt enveloped, I could not give the best to my children as they expected. We have to understand each other, we often fight even though Fathan and Kalista just ask for their rights.

I exhaled, being a mother is not as easy as I thought. The former used to choose the lunch menu, now so think what I can serve for them. But I am grateful that Kalista began to understand me, if she also tried to understand my role now.

"Mom, ask me one more thing."

I blinked quickly, turning my attention completely to my son right now. "Yes, why?"

"Isn't all this taking forever?"